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-   -   How do you move forward without one of your children? (http://www.thelightbeyond.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1402)

Kellie_69 May 22nd, 2011 23:27

How do you move forward without one of your children?
 
I have or had 3 children. 2 boys and 1 girl.

My youngest boy at the age of 17 was "accidentally" shot by his best friend. Why the quotes? While it may have been an accident as in he didn't aim the gun with the intent to shoot my son, he did have a gun. Why did he have a gun? Who knows. All I know is the night of August 4, 2009 changed my life forever.

I miss my son terribly every day. Some days it takes everything out of me just to open my eyes. I carry on for the simple fact I have 2 other children that need me. While one of them is an adult, the youngest one is a teen.

It's hard for me to always express how I feel because I do not want to be a burden to my children. My son Patrick John (PJ) died 3 days before my oldest son Christopher's 19th birthday. Chris has told me he will never be able to enjoy his birthday again.

My daughter Amanda was only 13 when her brother died. He was her best friend and confidant. She is angry and misses him so much.

I do have friends that understand I have what we now refer to as PJ days. PJ was such a happy outgoing child. He would do anything for anyone.

He was the caretaker of our family. He always remembered my birthday and mother's day. He was at the dinner table for every holiday and always was concerned that I was ok.

The night my son died, I wanted to be with him. I have panic attacks and fear for my other children. If one of my children can die so easily what's to say it won't happen again? Sometimes I become overbearing and extremely overprotective of them.

I go to the cemetery and I don't want to leave. I have PJ's pictures everywhere in my house.

I have 2 good weeks followed by 1 bad week. People say it gets better. It doesn't get better and it doesn't become easier.

It is almost 2 years since he's been gone and it feels like it was just yesterday.

tom-fisherman May 23rd, 2011 08:46

Shalom in Yeshua Kellie 69, I am sorry that you have been feeling this way for so long. You don't appear to have been able to share your feeling with anyone before. This is a great place to do that. Everyone here has been through what you are going through. We all understand and are all willing to help you.

Do you have any beliefs or faith in the next life? Having faith does help.
What happened to the boy who shot your son, and how are your other children coping? I will pray that you can come to terms with your tragic loss, but most important is that you keep talking.

God bless you
Tom

Kellie_69 May 23rd, 2011 11:43

It was hard for me at first to have faith in anything. How could I when my son was taken from us so young.

But I know the scheme of things, my son does walk with me everyday. I can feel him around me and everyone once in a while when I close my eyes I can see him.

His friend was charged and convicted of manslaughter and was sentenced to 5 years in prison. He served 13 months before being convicted and at the time in Canada you received 2 for 1 for time served, which means he was credited for serving 26 months. In the end he will serve another 2 years 10 months, for which he is up for full parole in August of this year. I have moved passed my hatred. I know in my heart he never intended to hurt my son, but I still hold a lot of anger. It was his stupid mistake that killed my son and for that reason alone I am finding it hard to forgive him.

In court he spoke through his lawyer to me and said he knows he has changed my life forever and he will spend the rest of his trying to make amends and make it up to me. My thought immediately was, how? He can't bring my son back.

My older son is coping, just barely. He works two jobs now, not because he needs the money, but it is a coping mechanism he has developed to deal with it.

He visits the cemetery regularly and finds when he is there he is at peace.

My daughter is starting to come around, but she misses him so much. Oddly enough she is 15 and has her first boyfriend. I met the boy and he is a duplicate of my son. They do the same things, they talk the same way and act very much alike.

tom-fisherman May 23rd, 2011 15:31

Shalom in Yeshua Kellie_69,

Thank you for sharing with us your feelings. When I lost my first son (7 months old) I too was devastated, but I was fortunate to have a strong faith in God, and I asked Him why did He take my boy? Several months later as I was falling asleep after working nights, as my wife left the bedroom I saw him following her. He had grown and was toddling!! I realised that he hadn't gone, it was just I couldn't see him. So I can relate to you feeling you son around you. Talk to him.

You should all talk about what happened to PJ, together as a family. You should try and get your oldest son to talk about his brother and remember the fun things you did as a family, as they grew up together.

Finally with regard to the boy who took your son. Whilst you still have a lot of anger towards him, you have already started the slow process of forgiving him. You may not realise it but you have, otherwise you would be still be full of hate. This is good for you because carrying hate is not good for you.

I will pray for your and your family
God bless you
Tom

Laughandcry May 24th, 2011 18:13

He sounds like a very special person.
Please don't dwell on what should have been. Remember and rejoice in the life he had. I can almost picture him - "Mum, make sure you start doing some things you enjoy - I worry about you."

May you find peace...

kennethB January 30th, 2012 01:36

You should express your grief openly. When you share your grief outside yourself, healing occurs. I just read this news that there was a toy cannon that concluded the life of 14-year-old Tremonton, Utah, teen Robby Ostberg Monday, reports Deseret News. While trying out the little system, obstruction brought on the cannon to either explode or fire a tin foil projectile to the boy's face. Funeral preparations are presently being prepared. Source of article: 14-year-old boy killed by toy cannon. What a heartbreaking loss! Accidents really happen but when a child dies in your home, the parent or caretaker has to live with the daily knowledge that he or she played an integral role in the child’s death. Parents need to be better trained to recognize potential areas of dangers where they are living and constantly monitor their children.

Marjatta February 16th, 2012 11:54

Dear Kellie,

As one mom to another, I simply cannot imagine the pain you must be in. My sons are 24 and 23, and the thought of either one of them losing his life at such a young age is unthinkable to me.

A parent losing a child is not in the natural order of things. It's supposed to be the other way around. Nothing can prepare us for what you experienced. Not only that, but you also have to deal with the absolutely awful knowledge that PJ's death was preventable and didn't have to happen. You didn't have any time to prepare yourself or even reconcile with your faith during a long illness, for example. One day he was there, and one day he was not.

As a mom, I know you will hold this heavy in your heart for the rest of your life. At the same time, I hope you find some comfort in knowing what a wonderfully fine young man you raised and how even his short time on this earth positively affected so many people. There are some people who live well on into old age and cause nothing but misery and grief for others. Perhaps your son was one of the angels sent to counteract that ... and restore our faith in humanity and our faith in general.

I started a private website for my beloved partner, Shaun, which is only open to myself and a few close family members and friends. Each time I remember something about him, or hear a song he would like, or write a letter or poem to him, it goes up on that site. It's my little online memorial, if you will, but I do know that others find comfort in it too.

I know there is nothing any of us can say to lessen your grief and your hurting heart, but please do know that we care deeply and are here for you.

Many blessings to you and your family,

Marjatta

gem September 22nd, 2013 04:33

Kellie

I understand your grief, on the 9th January 1999 i lost my two oldest children in a plane crash, my daughter was 11 and my son was 9.
The pilot of the plane was my father, i lost him too. I too could not understand why two innocent children should be taken. I was angry but not towards my father as i knew he would never have put the children in danger if he could help it. It has taken a long time to come to understand and accept that they are gone, I had three younger children at the time so it has been difficult watching them hit milestones that my two oldest children would never do.
Losing a child is wrong, this is not how it is suppose to go, they are suppose to outlive their parents. Even now many years later i can still break down, this is normal. I have gone on to have two more children and they know all about their older brother and sister, stories about them are still told, they are still very much part of our lives.
Take heart, the pain of losing a child is very different from any other loss, you and your family will get through this, your son may not be with you physically but he is in all your hearts and memories
My love to you all
Nicola

hazelharris September 4th, 2015 08:31

re posted x


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