a mothers story it's much more bearable to live not knowing than to have answers which might be wrong
Trying to make sense of a most senseless act is an arduous journey, trying to comprehend what it all meant. Even now, nearly four years later, I can instantly recall the leaden heaviness that filled my body and how hostile and foreign the world suddenly seemed.
It was as though I had slammed into a plate glass window that didnít shatter and I remained plastered against it while the rest of the world swooshed right on past me.
The aftermath of suicide begs for solitude and reflection. It is an inner pilgrimage requiring travel to places that most of us would prefer not to explore, and making sense of it comes in microscopic pieces, and takes as much time as it takes. I donít know that one ever arrives at complete understanding of everything that led up to the choice to end a life and one of the best tools I have found is the practice of open hearted compassion towards all that remains unanswered.
Coming to terms with a loved oneís suicide can be complicated by our need for certainty in an uncertain world, as well as the tendency to label traumatic experiences and then box them up in neatly packaged stories so they donít threaten our equilibrium. Unfortunately, these tendencies halt opportunities for healing.in so many cases we have to accept that the illness of our loved ones mind was so traumatic the questions we ask are unanswerable the reasons why perhaps didn't exsist only in the toubled mind
Perhaps, suicide holds up to the mirror what we fear most: we donít have all the answers and it is quite possible we donít know the deepest, darkest truths of those we love. Uncomfortable possibilities to ponder, but I think suicide shows us that they exist.
What I hope for anyone whose life has been touched with this confusing dreadful tragedy is that they grant themselves the space to heal in their own way and on their own time. What I wish I had known was to listen to my own heart and let otherís interpretations be just that: their interpretation.
My journey thus far has led me to believe, ďI think itís much more bearable to live not knowing than to have answers which might be wrong.Ēx