My mum never said goodbye.
Just over 4 weeks ago my mum hung herself.
She had cared for my dad till he died in 2006 and her own health began to fail. She was in chronic pain and the doctors said she was depressed. She tried 3 times to take her life, there had been episodes when she was younger too, and the weekend I was away and she was in the care of others she succeeded.
I am in total shock and dont understand why she waited till I was away. Was she punishing me or had she felt she had become a burden on me, which she wasnt, she felt the doctors were disbelieving her, saying it was all in her head. Her nurse saw her one hour before she hung herself.
I believe they had taken away her hope. I had stopped going away as I knew she got upset however, my daughter booked a holiday for me in September and I wondered if she was becoming anxious about being without me for two weeks.
My poor mum was in pain and i nursed as best as I could. The week before she died the Doctors and her nurse asked me to back off a little and encourage her to be more independent. They told me that she had a manupulative behaviour disorder. I listened to them and did as they wished, now I feel so guilty and angry at believing them.
Im not saying I was the best daughter in the world but I did try and encourage my mum to do things and engineered her groups etc., and we did disagree on things but nothing major. I am adopted, not that was ever an issue but we did have different mindsets and maybe we didnt understand each other. I bought her lots of things, wrote her loving letters, since I was a young girl, I just wanted her to accept me and not feel disappointed in me.
I have always had successful careers however, gave up work last year to spend time with my son who has learning difficulties and of course look after my mum.
Im totally lost without her. As an only child, clearing the house and dealing with all the legal stuff is taking its toll on me and affecting my relationship with my son as I just want to sleep and kind of feel I have abandoned him. I keep torturing myself with her last moments on this earth, the pain, the lonliness she must have felt and pray that her soul has gone to be with my dad and she if pain free and with me.
Apologies for going on but the thought of this holiday, selling the house and of course never hearing her voice, or seeing her smile or her telling me the stories of my youth, even though I had heard them countless times. What I would give just to hear her say my name.
I have applied for councelling. Has anyone else lost their mother to this awful tragic way of death, if so how are you coping?
Any coping mechanisms would help.