Last March I had quite a shock when i logged into facebook to check my messages!!
I found a message from my best friend Jackie's friend Jason who I had only spoken to on a few rare occasions!
The message told me that her body had just been found in her flat that day!
She had been dead apparently about 7 to 10 days (police etc.. weren't 100% certain)
Jason was the one who had called the police (he lives in newfoundland & Jackie lived in canada) he hadn't heard from her for a while & was getting worried when speaking to her friend who lived only a few streets away & she said she hadn't heard from jackie for a fortnight & a few others said that they hadn't heard from her for a while either!
so jason rang her landlord to check on her, he didn't care, so he called the police, they broke down the door & found her body!
She was only 35!
I never got to meet her in real life sadly as I live in the U.k, but we talked online all the time (i found her on myspace, when she made a lovely sweet comment on singer Darren hayes' page) i thought she sounded nice, so started chatting to her!
turns out i was right!! She was the nicest person I have ever known!
she was always there for me no matter what & would spend literally hours chatting to me online whenever i was going through emotional & physical hell (which with my traumatic life was often!)
i helped her through her marriage problems & other general problems & she helped me through mine!
Even once staying online about 7 or 8 hours when i was suffering extreme panic attacks that lasted about 14 hours!!
if we hadn't spoken with one another for just one or two days she would say it was forever & i would laugh & say we only spoke a couple of days ago you silly thing & she would reply yeah but that was aaagges ago
that is how close we got!
She always knew what to say to make me feel o.k
& as i have no friends here where i live, she was the only person i truly had to turn to (i have no decent family & round here there's loads of scum so it is hard to find friends where i live!)
so to say I was shocked & very saddened to hear of her death is an understatement! no one was expecting it in the least!
it has been really rough for me to deal with especially as i had already been through 2 violent assaults in a space of 3 months & then 13 days after my friends body was found my great auntie died from lung cancer!!
I have been left with such deep pain & distress & no one to truly turn to, to help me through it either!
i am just suffering completely alone!!
& i know some would say why not try counselling but that isn't going to comfort me much really as i need a friend, i need someone who genuinely cares & not just some therapist paid to be there & listen to me!
You get what i mean??
I miss her so much!! She was like a sister to me & not just a best friend & now i am lost & double grief stricken as well as traumatised from the assaults i went through!!
Every time i need someone to talk to i feel the loss even more, i notice all the more that she isn't there & i don't know what the heck to do with myself ;(
i'm just in a very dark, cold, lonely & lost place right now!!