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Old July 14th, 2010, 18:34
BesideYouInTime BesideYouInTime is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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Default Coping - From Someone Who Has Had To!

Oh my goodness.
There are lot of posts about science and techniques on here; I don't know about most people but I am not sure how truly helpful that would have been to me just after my loss.

My beautiful fiance died in a motorcycle accident three years ago when I was 22.
My now long-term boyfriend (hopefully soon to be husband ) lost his fiance 6 years ago at 22.
My best friend lost her fiance last year and she was 24.
We are an unlucky bunch - but lucky in that we have each other when we need them.

Firstly, all three of us are different. We grieve different and are at different 'stages' if there really are any.

I cry a lot and speak very little.
My bloke never speaks a word of it unless I ask him.
My best friend likes to talk about her fella all the time usually followed by lots of tears but for her everything is still very fresh.

*****

Things we have in common that help us:

Having people around us who are happy for us to talk about our loss and what we are feeling.

Having people around us who are happy to not talk to us and let us sit and cry if thats what we want.

Having people around us that understand that just because it is three years down the line and I have been fine for months does not mean I am having a relapse if I want to sit in my room with a litre tub of Ben and Jerrys and watch The Notebook constantly for three days.

Pictures. We all have pictures of our loved ones on display. We never forget them on the inside so why hide them on the outside.

Tattoos. All three of us have tattoos and we all agree that it was one of the most significant things we feel we have done to help ourselves. 'An outside scar to match the inside scar' is a quote regularly repeated.

Don't ever let people hurry you into 'feeling better'. You take as much time as you need.

Cry. It is healthy. Yes - even years and years afterwards. And don't let people put you down for doing it. Pull a sicky and stay at home and cry because WE ALL DESERVE TO WALLOW IN OUR GRIEF if that is what we want.

Talk. Remember the little things.

Read your old letters. Take out your photographs and lay them out on your bed and REMEMBER. We all have that box of memories stashed away somewhere but why do we have them if not to cherish them?

*****

Thats all that comes to mind just now.
Obviously we are all different and some people prefer to never mention there loss and put a brave face on it.

Personally, I feel it is important to embrace our past and feel lucky that they were in our lives.
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