The Light Beyond Bereavement Forum Bereavement StoreMovieBlogSympathy Ecards
Kindness in another's trouble, courage in your own...

Go Back   The Light Beyond Bereavement Forums > Loss of a loved one > Loss of a child
Register FAQ Members List Calendar Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old May 22nd, 2011, 22:27
Kellie_69 Kellie_69 is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 2
Default How do you move forward without one of your children?

I have or had 3 children. 2 boys and 1 girl.

My youngest boy at the age of 17 was "accidentally" shot by his best friend. Why the quotes? While it may have been an accident as in he didn't aim the gun with the intent to shoot my son, he did have a gun. Why did he have a gun? Who knows. All I know is the night of August 4, 2009 changed my life forever.

I miss my son terribly every day. Some days it takes everything out of me just to open my eyes. I carry on for the simple fact I have 2 other children that need me. While one of them is an adult, the youngest one is a teen.

It's hard for me to always express how I feel because I do not want to be a burden to my children. My son Patrick John (PJ) died 3 days before my oldest son Christopher's 19th birthday. Chris has told me he will never be able to enjoy his birthday again.

My daughter Amanda was only 13 when her brother died. He was her best friend and confidant. She is angry and misses him so much.

I do have friends that understand I have what we now refer to as PJ days. PJ was such a happy outgoing child. He would do anything for anyone.

He was the caretaker of our family. He always remembered my birthday and mother's day. He was at the dinner table for every holiday and always was concerned that I was ok.

The night my son died, I wanted to be with him. I have panic attacks and fear for my other children. If one of my children can die so easily what's to say it won't happen again? Sometimes I become overbearing and extremely overprotective of them.

I go to the cemetery and I don't want to leave. I have PJ's pictures everywhere in my house.

I have 2 good weeks followed by 1 bad week. People say it gets better. It doesn't get better and it doesn't become easier.

It is almost 2 years since he's been gone and it feels like it was just yesterday.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old May 23rd, 2011, 07:46
tom-fisherman tom-fisherman is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Northwest England
Posts: 534
Default

Shalom in Yeshua Kellie 69, I am sorry that you have been feeling this way for so long. You don't appear to have been able to share your feeling with anyone before. This is a great place to do that. Everyone here has been through what you are going through. We all understand and are all willing to help you.

Do you have any beliefs or faith in the next life? Having faith does help.
What happened to the boy who shot your son, and how are your other children coping? I will pray that you can come to terms with your tragic loss, but most important is that you keep talking.

God bless you
Tom
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old May 23rd, 2011, 10:43
Kellie_69 Kellie_69 is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 2
Default

It was hard for me at first to have faith in anything. How could I when my son was taken from us so young.

But I know the scheme of things, my son does walk with me everyday. I can feel him around me and everyone once in a while when I close my eyes I can see him.

His friend was charged and convicted of manslaughter and was sentenced to 5 years in prison. He served 13 months before being convicted and at the time in Canada you received 2 for 1 for time served, which means he was credited for serving 26 months. In the end he will serve another 2 years 10 months, for which he is up for full parole in August of this year. I have moved passed my hatred. I know in my heart he never intended to hurt my son, but I still hold a lot of anger. It was his stupid mistake that killed my son and for that reason alone I am finding it hard to forgive him.

In court he spoke through his lawyer to me and said he knows he has changed my life forever and he will spend the rest of his trying to make amends and make it up to me. My thought immediately was, how? He can't bring my son back.

My older son is coping, just barely. He works two jobs now, not because he needs the money, but it is a coping mechanism he has developed to deal with it.

He visits the cemetery regularly and finds when he is there he is at peace.

My daughter is starting to come around, but she misses him so much. Oddly enough she is 15 and has her first boyfriend. I met the boy and he is a duplicate of my son. They do the same things, they talk the same way and act very much alike.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old May 23rd, 2011, 14:31
tom-fisherman tom-fisherman is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Northwest England
Posts: 534
Default

Shalom in Yeshua Kellie_69,

Thank you for sharing with us your feelings. When I lost my first son (7 months old) I too was devastated, but I was fortunate to have a strong faith in God, and I asked Him why did He take my boy? Several months later as I was falling asleep after working nights, as my wife left the bedroom I saw him following her. He had grown and was toddling!! I realised that he hadn't gone, it was just I couldn't see him. So I can relate to you feeling you son around you. Talk to him.

You should all talk about what happened to PJ, together as a family. You should try and get your oldest son to talk about his brother and remember the fun things you did as a family, as they grew up together.

Finally with regard to the boy who took your son. Whilst you still have a lot of anger towards him, you have already started the slow process of forgiving him. You may not realise it but you have, otherwise you would be still be full of hate. This is good for you because carrying hate is not good for you.

I will pray for your and your family
God bless you
Tom
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old May 24th, 2011, 17:13
Laughandcry Laughandcry is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 6
Default

He sounds like a very special person.
Please don't dwell on what should have been. Remember and rejoice in the life he had. I can almost picture him - "Mum, make sure you start doing some things you enjoy - I worry about you."

May you find peace...
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old January 30th, 2012, 00:36
kennethB kennethB is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 1
Default

You should express your grief openly. When you share your grief outside yourself, healing occurs. I just read this news that there was a toy cannon that concluded the life of 14-year-old Tremonton, Utah, teen Robby Ostberg Monday, reports Deseret News. While trying out the little system, obstruction brought on the cannon to either explode or fire a tin foil projectile to the boy's face. Funeral preparations are presently being prepared. Source of article: 14-year-old boy killed by toy cannon. What a heartbreaking loss! Accidents really happen but when a child dies in your home, the parent or caretaker has to live with the daily knowledge that he or she played an integral role in the child’s death. Parents need to be better trained to recognize potential areas of dangers where they are living and constantly monitor their children.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old February 16th, 2012, 10:54
Marjatta Marjatta is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 97
Default

Dear Kellie,

As one mom to another, I simply cannot imagine the pain you must be in. My sons are 24 and 23, and the thought of either one of them losing his life at such a young age is unthinkable to me.

A parent losing a child is not in the natural order of things. It's supposed to be the other way around. Nothing can prepare us for what you experienced. Not only that, but you also have to deal with the absolutely awful knowledge that PJ's death was preventable and didn't have to happen. You didn't have any time to prepare yourself or even reconcile with your faith during a long illness, for example. One day he was there, and one day he was not.

As a mom, I know you will hold this heavy in your heart for the rest of your life. At the same time, I hope you find some comfort in knowing what a wonderfully fine young man you raised and how even his short time on this earth positively affected so many people. There are some people who live well on into old age and cause nothing but misery and grief for others. Perhaps your son was one of the angels sent to counteract that ... and restore our faith in humanity and our faith in general.

I started a private website for my beloved partner, Shaun, which is only open to myself and a few close family members and friends. Each time I remember something about him, or hear a song he would like, or write a letter or poem to him, it goes up on that site. It's my little online memorial, if you will, but I do know that others find comfort in it too.

I know there is nothing any of us can say to lessen your grief and your hurting heart, but please do know that we care deeply and are here for you.

Many blessings to you and your family,

Marjatta
__________________
"Fear knocked at the door. Faith answered. And lo, no one was there." ~ Author Unknown
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old September 22nd, 2013, 03:33
gem gem is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Christchurch, New Zealand
Posts: 23
Default

Kellie

I understand your grief, on the 9th January 1999 i lost my two oldest children in a plane crash, my daughter was 11 and my son was 9.
The pilot of the plane was my father, i lost him too. I too could not understand why two innocent children should be taken. I was angry but not towards my father as i knew he would never have put the children in danger if he could help it. It has taken a long time to come to understand and accept that they are gone, I had three younger children at the time so it has been difficult watching them hit milestones that my two oldest children would never do.
Losing a child is wrong, this is not how it is suppose to go, they are suppose to outlive their parents. Even now many years later i can still break down, this is normal. I have gone on to have two more children and they know all about their older brother and sister, stories about them are still told, they are still very much part of our lives.
Take heart, the pain of losing a child is very different from any other loss, you and your family will get through this, your son may not be with you physically but he is in all your hearts and memories
My love to you all
Nicola
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old September 4th, 2015, 07:31
hazelharris hazelharris is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,142
Default

re posted x
__________________
Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 14:13.


Copyright 2017 The Light Beyond. Visit the main site at www.thelightbeyond.com