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Old January 7th, 2012, 11:21
Marjatta Marjatta is offline
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Default Moving on after the loss of your soul mate, is it even possible?

How many of us have faced the reality of the death of a loved one in our lives? Pretty much everyone, I would imagine.

Today, I'm going to talk specifically about the death of a spouse and/or soul mate.

Physical death – although the doorway into another life for the person who has died – is still a doorway that we can't enter unless we ourselves die. Reading about near-death experiences or perhaps even experiencing it for ourselves does not mean we really know what life is like after our physical death. We simply can't. We weren't meant to know.

But one thing we're always reminded of is the necessity to "carry on." What does "carrying on" mean to the survivor who still has to cope with life here on earth without the presence of the person they are grieving for? I mean, how in the hell are we supposed to do that?

Accepting the Reality of Their Physical Death

Well, for starters, it means accepting the reality of your loved one's physical death. His or her physical body died. Just because we continue to communicate with them in our hearts doesn't mean that their physical body didn't die. It did. Their physical presence will never again be known to us.

We will never again be graced by their shadow, their embrace, their touch, their scent, their laughter, or the eyes that communicated directly into our souls when they looked at us. We will never again have that physical connection with them while we still remain here on earth. Their physical presence is gone, plain and simple. They are no longer able to be there for us in the way they once were.

This can make us feel incredibly lonely, sometimes to the point of feeling unsafe on all fronts. We can no longer share stuff with them. We might look at their framed picture and talk to them, but we still feel very disconnected. Occasionally, we might ask God for a sign, any sign at all, that our loved one is okay and is hearing our never-ending dialogue with them ... but we never get definitive proof, at least not physically.

This is very hard, but we must accept that our loved one is not going to ever again materialize physically to us, no matter how much we pray. It is what it is. They transformed. We didn't.

Re-examining Your Own Faith

At this point, you must be wondering, "Okay, so what's the point here? My loved one died. I am lost without him or her. I still need that person so desperately. How could God be so cruel as to take that love away from me? For that matter, how am I supposed to carry on?"

Our loved ones have already learned all of the lessons they needed to learn while on this planet. I have no doubt that they are now exactly where they are meant to be ... they are surrounded by love and joy and don't want us to hurt over the loss of them in our lives. Instead, they gently guide us each time we falter and keep reminding us, "It's okay. I am surrounded by love, and you will also be surrounded by that same love some day. We are all connected. We are all one."

Re-examining our faith in something greater than ourselves isn't all that difficult once we have lost someone dear to us from this physical world. In order to carry on despite sometimes miserable, lonely circumstances, all we need to ask is, "Did I love that person? Did they touch my heart? Did they make me feel loved?"

If your answer to those questions is yes, then you already have your bigger answer. Once you connect with someone on this planet, you are connected forever. Love is more than an emotional response hardwired into our physical brains ... true love transcends all things physical and is what sustains us through our incredible journeys ... with or without our loved ones. It is the essence of our lives. It is what makes us tick, and we would all die without it.

Living Day to Day – Putting an End to Our Pity Party

"Yeah, but how do I put one foot in front of the other on a day-to-day basis? I mean, this is SO hard for me. How in heck am I supposed to 'carry on'? The love of my life is no longer with me! Don't you get that?"

Yes, I truly do get that. What's the point of going through the motions each and every day if our loved ones are no longer here to share it with us? I mean, it's a pretty empty life, right? All we want to do is speed up our own demise so that we can be with them. Yes, let's pull out that cask of wine or case of beer and live the rest of our lives regretting the things that we never had any control of to begin with.

That type of thinking is okay for a while, but only for a very little while. And I do believe that anyone who has lost someone dear to them is entitled to their meltdowns ... so long as those moments/hours/days of sheer agony and despair don't transform into an entire lifetime of grief.

At the end of the day, after we have cried our eyes out and damned our wretched lives enough times, we have to start thinking about our own contribution to this planet and what that means to us. We have to come to grips with whether or not our day-to-day existence means anything to anybody.

Do you have a son or daughter you've become estranged from? When was the last time you called your elderly father or mother? Did you make someone else smile because of your sense of humour? Did you joke with a co-worker, friend, or a stranger on the subway? What did you do today to contribute to the life of another human being? Are you aware that whatever small token of kindness (without any hidden agenda) you extend to another person is also helping to fortify their soul during their own tough journey through this sometimes brutal and perplexing life we all lead?

Yes, your life has a day-to-day purpose ... even if you have lost the only person you thought could ever understand you or love you for exactly the person you are. You'd be surprised by how many of the good things your loved one taught you can be easily extended to others. Pass on their gift. Share the joy. Make each day an opportunity to do at least one good thing for a fellow human being. That will make your departed loved one very, very happy indeed ... something you will be proud to tell them at the end of the day while you are talking to their photograph.

Finally, Give Yourself Permission to Love Again

"Love again? I doubt it. There will never be another person on this planet who could replace him/her."

True. No one will ever replace your loved one in your heart, nor should they. But to forever close your heart to others would be a real shame. After all, every person on this planet needs love ... it's so basic to our survival. And our hearts are capable of infinite love for as many people as we will let into our lives. Our hearts can never be too full of love.

If you allow your own soul to die inside, you are removing yourself from this existence and are living out the rest of your life almost like a prison sentence ... just crossing off the days on the calendar until you can be with that person again. In the meantime, all of the opportunities to connect with other souls on this earth are passing you by unnoticed. It's no longer your loved one who has become a shadow ... it's you!

Would your loved one want you to suffer so? Would they want you to waste the rest of the precious gift that is your life by never again feeling love for another person? Would they want you to live in mortal fear of experiencing yet another loss of someone you dare to love? Would they want you to feel guilty that you are somehow disrespecting their memory simply because you have found it in your heart to love someone again?

We all know the answers to these questions. In every case, it's an emphatic no.

I know an incredibly loving woman who has survived the death of two husbands, and yet still found it in her heart to love a third. Had she not done that, she wouldn't have had the experience of making someone else's journey through this life as happy as it was. Her gift of love was blessed upon others three times! Do those previous two husbands look down from heaven and say, "Gee, I'm jealous that she's with another man"? No, they say, "Thank you for continuing to be the loving person that you are. That is why I fell in love with you in the first place."

Another woman that I know died peacefully a few months ago. She was the fiancée of my best friend. She herself had lost her husband before she met my friend. She used to say to him that her departed husband had picked him out for her!

During the time she was alive, I saw such an incredible transformation in my friend, I can't even begin to tell you. His step was lighter, his eyes twinkled more, and his self-confidence soared. She truly was the "love of his life." A love he never would have known had she shut off her heart to the world while she waited to join her deceased husband. She made an incredibly wonderful difference in the life of my dear friend ... and I thank her for that.

He says to me now, "When I die, I know that she will be there on one side and he will be there on the other. They will both be there to greet me when my time comes."

At the end of the day, love always wins and living with a closed-off heart always loses.

This one's for you, my beloved Shaun. Thank you for teaching me how to live with an open heart. I love you.

Marjatta
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  #2  
Old January 14th, 2012, 22:23
zimprinces zimprinces is offline
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Default Marjata

Thank you for your post,i lost my husband 4 months ago,we had two little boys together,i miss him so much and i feel like iam done,after reading your post i t hink iam going to make it,iam going to be ok,i need to know iam here for a reason to fulfill a destiny,again thanks for your wo rds of wisdom
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  #3  
Old January 15th, 2012, 01:18
Marjatta Marjatta is offline
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Default Yes, you do have a destiny to fulfill

Hi zimprinces,

Oh, yes, you absolutely have a destiny and a purpose. You have two sons who will need your strength, wisdom, and guidance forever ... no matter how old they become.

They will also look to you to pass on the wonderful legacy of their father, the man you knew so well and loved with all of your heart and soul and miss so much. His gift to them will be passed on through you. You will impart everything about their father that they never knew, but will come to know through you.

Children also have an amazing wisdom, a gift and an insight that we often lose as adults. They allow themselves to feel freely without guilt or censorship, and they definitely know when their parents are hurting. Allow yourself to lean on them once in a while. They are certainly up to the task. It's okay to see mommy cry and be sad. It also gives them permission to have their feelings and cry and be sad. No one can move forward from sorrow until they have done that.

Four months ago since the loss of your beloved husband is a very short time. You must feel so dazed and confused right now. No one has children with a partner expecting to be left raising them alone without the other. No one expects death to part them so suddenly and abruptly in the middle of life's best made plans. It's such a shocking jolt that it almost defies explanation to those who haven't experienced it.

At the same time, it's no accident that you're here in this situation right now. You have many choices to make ... and tomorrow, you'll have more. And the day after that, still more. Each step of the way, you are going to be faced with options, and your reaction is going to depend on your faith and "letting go" to that inner voice inside of you that knows without a doubt that this is a journey that you must take to find the answers.

None of us knows what that journey is for our unique purpose. It's our life's mission to find it. We suffer incredible losses, and yet we wake up to nurture others. We hurt to the very core of our being, and yet we continue to offer solace to others who hurt. We lose the love of our life, and yet we find it in our hearts to let another soul in ... and then another ... and then another. It seems to be part of this amazingly beautiful and sometimes incredibly frightening life that we lead. We never truly know what is just around the corner, and yet we bravely go forth with the one key thing that keeps us going ... hope.

Your husband is with you, perhaps even closer than he was before. Talk to him, share with him, ask him for guidance. He will help you heal because he already knows heaven.

Marjatta
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"Fear knocked at the door. Faith answered. And lo, no one was there." ~ Author Unknown
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  #4  
Old January 24th, 2012, 11:23
IFeelHopeless IFeelHopeless is offline
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Default

It's an interesting read.

I don't have faith, although I work in a church setting.

My grief has taken over my life. I'm fighting so hard right now, but today and the rest of the week are going to be so tough.

As for permission to love again? I'd find myself struggling to give that permission, not to mention I don't think anyone could possibly love me.
__________________
Lost girlfriend (pregnant at time of death) & daughter (aged 9). Both of you made me the decent person I am today and you live on through me.

Lost my cats who saw me through the years after the loss of my girlfriend and daughter. My faithful friends who never let me down. You will live on forever.
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  #5  
Old January 31st, 2012, 10:36
cal821 cal821 is offline
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Smile Very Well Put!! Marjatta

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marjatta View Post
How many of us have faced the reality of the death of a loved one in our lives? Pretty much everyone, I would imagine.

Today, I'm going to talk specifically about the death of a spouse and/or soul mate.

Physical death – although the doorway into another life for the person who has died – is still a doorway that we can't enter unless we ourselves die. Reading about near-death experiences or perhaps even experiencing it for ourselves does not mean we really know what life is like after our physical death. We simply can't. We weren't meant to know.

But one thing we're always reminded of is the necessity to "carry on." What does "carrying on" mean to the survivor who still has to cope with life here on earth without the presence of the person they are grieving for? I mean, how in the hell are we supposed to do that?

Accepting the Reality of Their Physical Death

Well, for starters, it means accepting the reality of your loved one's physical death. His or her physical body died. Just because we continue to communicate with them in our hearts doesn't mean that their physical body didn't die. It did. Their physical presence will never again be known to us.

We will never again be graced by their shadow, their embrace, their touch, their scent, their laughter, or the eyes that communicated directly into our souls when they looked at us. We will never again have that physical connection with them while we still remain here on earth. Their physical presence is gone, plain and simple. They are no longer able to be there for us in the way they once were.

This can make us feel incredibly lonely, sometimes to the point of feeling unsafe on all fronts. We can no longer share stuff with them. We might look at their framed picture and talk to them, but we still feel very disconnected. Occasionally, we might ask God for a sign, any sign at all, that our loved one is okay and is hearing our never-ending dialogue with them ... but we never get definitive proof, at least not physically.

This is very hard, but we must accept that our loved one is not going to ever again materialize physically to us, no matter how much we pray. It is what it is. They transformed. We didn't.

Re-examining Your Own Faith

At this point, you must be wondering, "Okay, so what's the point here? My loved one died. I am lost without him or her. I still need that person so desperately. How could God be so cruel as to take that love away from me? For that matter, how am I supposed to carry on?"

Our loved ones have already learned all of the lessons they needed to learn while on this planet. I have no doubt that they are now exactly where they are meant to be ... they are surrounded by love and joy and don't want us to hurt over the loss of them in our lives. Instead, they gently guide us each time we falter and keep reminding us, "It's okay. I am surrounded by love, and you will also be surrounded by that same love some day. We are all connected. We are all one."

Re-examining our faith in something greater than ourselves isn't all that difficult once we have lost someone dear to us from this physical world. In order to carry on despite sometimes miserable, lonely circumstances, all we need to ask is, "Did I love that person? Did they touch my heart? Did they make me feel loved?"

If your answer to those questions is yes, then you already have your bigger answer. Once you connect with someone on this planet, you are connected forever. Love is more than an emotional response hardwired into our physical brains ... true love transcends all things physical and is what sustains us through our incredible journeys ... with or without our loved ones. It is the essence of our lives. It is what makes us tick, and we would all die without it.

Living Day to Day – Putting an End to Our Pity Party

"Yeah, but how do I put one foot in front of the other on a day-to-day basis? I mean, this is SO hard for me. How in heck am I supposed to 'carry on'? The love of my life is no longer with me! Don't you get that?"

Yes, I truly do get that. What's the point of going through the motions each and every day if our loved ones are no longer here to share it with us? I mean, it's a pretty empty life, right? All we want to do is speed up our own demise so that we can be with them. Yes, let's pull out that cask of wine or case of beer and live the rest of our lives regretting the things that we never had any control of to begin with.

That type of thinking is okay for a while, but only for a very little while. And I do believe that anyone who has lost someone dear to them is entitled to their meltdowns ... so long as those moments/hours/days of sheer agony and despair don't transform into an entire lifetime of grief.

At the end of the day, after we have cried our eyes out and damned our wretched lives enough times, we have to start thinking about our own contribution to this planet and what that means to us. We have to come to grips with whether or not our day-to-day existence means anything to anybody.

Do you have a son or daughter you've become estranged from? When was the last time you called your elderly father or mother? Did you make someone else smile because of your sense of humour? Did you joke with a co-worker, friend, or a stranger on the subway? What did you do today to contribute to the life of another human being? Are you aware that whatever small token of kindness (without any hidden agenda) you extend to another person is also helping to fortify their soul during their own tough journey through this sometimes brutal and perplexing life we all lead?

Yes, your life has a day-to-day purpose ... even if you have lost the only person you thought could ever understand you or love you for exactly the person you are. You'd be surprised by how many of the good things your loved one taught you can be easily extended to others. Pass on their gift. Share the joy. Make each day an opportunity to do at least one good thing for a fellow human being. That will make your departed loved one very, very happy indeed ... something you will be proud to tell them at the end of the day while you are talking to their photograph.

Finally, Give Yourself Permission to Love Again

"Love again? I doubt it. There will never be another person on this planet who could replace him/her."

True. No one will ever replace your loved one in your heart, nor should they. But to forever close your heart to others would be a real shame. After all, every person on this planet needs love ... it's so basic to our survival. And our hearts are capable of infinite love for as many people as we will let into our lives. Our hearts can never be too full of love.

If you allow your own soul to die inside, you are removing yourself from this existence and are living out the rest of your life almost like a prison sentence ... just crossing off the days on the calendar until you can be with that person again. In the meantime, all of the opportunities to connect with other souls on this earth are passing you by unnoticed. It's no longer your loved one who has become a shadow ... it's you!

Would your loved one want you to suffer so? Would they want you to waste the rest of the precious gift that is your life by never again feeling love for another person? Would they want you to live in mortal fear of experiencing yet another loss of someone you dare to love? Would they want you to feel guilty that you are somehow disrespecting their memory simply because you have found it in your heart to love someone again?

We all know the answers to these questions. In every case, it's an emphatic no.

I know an incredibly loving woman who has survived the death of two husbands, and yet still found it in her heart to love a third. Had she not done that, she wouldn't have had the experience of making someone else's journey through this life as happy as it was. Her gift of love was blessed upon others three times! Do those previous two husbands look down from heaven and say, "Gee, I'm jealous that she's with another man"? No, they say, "Thank you for continuing to be the loving person that you are. That is why I fell in love with you in the first place."

Another woman that I know died peacefully a few months ago. She was the fiancée of my best friend. She herself had lost her husband before she met my friend. She used to say to him that her departed husband had picked him out for her!

During the time she was alive, I saw such an incredible transformation in my friend, I can't even begin to tell you. His step was lighter, his eyes twinkled more, and his self-confidence soared. She truly was the "love of his life." A love he never would have known had she shut off her heart to the world while she waited to join her deceased husband. She made an incredibly wonderful difference in the life of my dear friend ... and I thank her for that.

He says to me now, "When I die, I know that she will be there on one side and he will be there on the other. They will both be there to greet me when my time comes."

At the end of the day, love always wins and living with a closed-off heart always loses.

This one's for you, my beloved Shaun. Thank you for teaching me how to live with an open heart. I love you.

Marjatta


Very Well Put indeed. Fantastic job in writting this post. And it sounds like it was very liberating for you to do so. You are well on your way on the journey Girl!! You sound like you are coming to peace and understanding soon with your mindset as you wrote.

Definite Kuddos and I think it will help many others that are stuck in their grief cycle.


Cal821
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  #6  
Old February 3rd, 2012, 21:58
Marjatta Marjatta is offline
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Default Thank you!

Hi there, Cal821,

Thank you for your kind words.

Coming from a place of gratitude and appreciation is the only way I'm going to survive the rest of my life. I sure don't want to just exist and be miserable and bitter ...

Joy and sorrow both come and go - neither of them is permanent - and without the one, we may never appreciate the other. So trying to do our best to make something positive out of a bad situation is our only option, I believe. Plus, it's one heck of a challenge! LOL I find myself saying aloud, "Hey hon, how am I doing? Are you proud of me?"

Again, thanks so much for your comments and appreciation. Now that makes my day.

Blessings,

Marjatta
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"Fear knocked at the door. Faith answered. And lo, no one was there." ~ Author Unknown
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  #7  
Old April 14th, 2012, 14:12
sueblue58 sueblue58 is offline
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Default Thank you

i have just joined this site and by luck found your article. It is so, so true. I am sitting here on my own on a saturday evening and wondering what happened to my life. I miss my soulmate so much, I never imagined I could feel this despair. I like the thought that if you loved someone so much in life it would transcend into the next life. It is so hard to read about the person not materialising again but I know that this is fact and I have to face it. I think seeing it written down made me understand that. I keep thinking I will come in and he will be sitting on the couch or in the kitchen looking up with pleasure to see me come in. Instead nothing, just silence. It is going to be a long hard road - I will try to my best for him. He used to say= as God made us He matched us and this was truly the case.
Sue
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Old November 26th, 2012, 13:30
Chaka Chaka is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sueblue58 View Post
It is so hard to read about the person not materialising again but I know that this is fact and I have to face it. I think seeing it written down made me understand that. I keep thinking I will come in and he will be sitting on the couch or in the kitchen looking up with pleasure to see me come in. Instead nothing, just silence. It is going to be a long hard road
Me too, Sue. Me too. Just reading that part in Marjatta's post made me cry -- it is still so hard for me to accept that I will never touch, see, hear or smell David again. I was going through his clothes the other day for a memory quilt my step-mom is making and as I picked up each piece, I was longing to smell him. No such luck -- he didn't wear anything more than once before washing it.
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  #9  
Old October 3rd, 2016, 10:41
cal821 cal821 is offline
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Smile

re-posted for re-read and excellent post Marjatta !
__________________
Memory can only tell us what we were,
in the company of those we loved;
it cannot help us find what each of us, alone, must now become.
Yet no person is really alone;
those who live no more echo still within our thoughts and words,
and what they did has become woven into what we are.

I wish you peace and a level path on your journey...

Cal821
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Old April 2nd, 2017, 10:14
hazelharris hazelharris is offline
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re posted x
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