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  #1  
Old June 10th, 2007, 19:56
Calypso Calypso is offline
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Default Miscarriage is a loss too

So many doctors today seem to view a miscarriage (sometimes called a spontaneous abortion) as a strictly medical event. They make sure it wasn't an ectopic pregnancy and that the womb has emptied itself of all "products of conception," then they put the woman on a light painkiller and send her home.

What they don't seem to realize is that the woman has just experienced the death of her unborn child and that it's normal for her to deeply grieve that loss if she needs to. Statements such as, "It's okay, you can always have another baby," don't help.

I wanted to start this thread so that women who have had miscarriages would feel comfortable sharing their grief and getting support here. I've never miscarried, but I have friends who have, and they all found the grief and the subsequent lack of support devastating.
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  #2  
Old June 11th, 2007, 13:13
lilyflower_1978 lilyflower_1978 is offline
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Thanks for starting this thread. I mentioned in another thread that I had an early term miscarriage. One of things I've always wanted from life was my own child and I was so thrilled when the test finally showed two lines! I craved strawberry milk and cheddar chex mix! I, of course, set up an appointment to see the doctor and they confirmed the pregnancy and then set me up with prenatal vitamins. Told me my due date was February 13...I thought how cool a Valentine's day baby. This all happened right around Father's day so to tell my parents I signed the Father's day card from us and baby. They were shocked, concerned and a tad disappointed because we weren't married yet but the date was already set for September. I guess I never realized how getting pregnant was a high risk because of my heart condition. I had asked my cardiologists before when I was younger and none ever seemed too concerned but that changed. Still I wasn't daunted by this news. The same evening I had told my parents I started to cramping and back pain. I was bothered and a bit cincerned which turned into panic when I started bleeding. My husband and I went to the hospital and was told it was highly likely I was miscarrying but they wouldn't know for sure for a couple days. I finally got the call from the doctor saying the pregnancy hormone levels were extreamely low and did in fact have a miscarriage. I went in for one last check up to be sure there wasn't anything left behind.

It hit me harder than my husband. He already had two children in other relationships. I think deep down I knew this was my only chance. Every Valentine's Day I remember the child that could have been and think of how it would be, what color eyes it would have had, and how our lives would be different. I do take a little comfort in the saying "things happen for a reason". My life has changed so much since then and now with me in heart failure and awaiting a heart transplant I know I would not have the ability to stay up with a six year old. I also hold on to the hope that I'll get to meet him or her when I leave this world.
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  #3  
Old June 30th, 2007, 15:48
cassiem0221 cassiem0221 is offline
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I am glad to hear that someone else believes this is a loss. I have had 2 miscarriages and it was horrible. I went for an ultrasound for my first one and there was no baby found..just the "products of conception". Up until then everything seemed fine. They sent me home and told me to "let nature take its course." Which took 2 weeks.. 2 long weeks of wonrding when it would happen. With my second, it happened instantly. Both times I grieved equally. It was one of the hardest things I have been through. I always wonder what they would have looked like or how they would act... etc.
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Old July 1st, 2007, 19:53
DefyingGravity DefyingGravity is offline
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It bothers me that people can be so clinical about miscarriage. My best friend had experienced several, and each time it has been a difficult process, no matter how far along she was. It dashes hopes and dreams, among other issues.

I was in second grade when I first learned about miscarriage; a friend's mom had just miscarried her baby, and I learned early about comforting others through their losses.

This is every bit as real a thing to grieve, and people shouldn't be made to feel as though it's "just a fetus."
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Old July 2nd, 2007, 16:52
harmony_mom harmony_mom is offline
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My heart goes out to both of you who have shared your stories. I can't understand how a doctor or anyone else can be clinical or cold about a miscarriage. I guess some people don't understand how real that child is to you as soon as you realize you're carrying it. My mother had a miscarriage before she had my youngest brother and it was a grieving process for our entire family, even for the children because we had already begun to form a relationship with this new sibling in the form of expectations. I was lucky enough to carry my son to term, but when I began having difficulties with my pregnancy all I could think of was what it must have felt like for my mother when she lost that baby. I know that if I had lost my son during my pregnancy, it would have been just as painful and just as real a loss as it would be were I to lose him now.
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Old July 2nd, 2007, 17:40
Calypso Calypso is offline
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Thank you all for sharing your stories, and I would like to encourage other mothers, as well as other family members, to do the same. Because of course a miscarriage does affect the entire family, not just the mother. One of my male friends remarked the other day that after his wife miscarried, several people asked him how she was doing but not one asked him how he was doing. Since he was grieving, too, being left out in this way left him hurt and angry.
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  #7  
Old July 4th, 2007, 23:39
cassiem0221 cassiem0221 is offline
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Calypso, you are so right... When I lost my first baby, my son was only 3 and he didn't understand why I had told him I was going to have a baby and then I didn't...he continually asked me when I was going to get another baby and how come I couldn't just "get" one.. It hurt so bad trying to explain to him... I think that my mother in law suffered tremendously. It was to be her first grandbaby and it devasted her when I lost the baby... Miscarriage DOES affect everyone.
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  #8  
Old July 12th, 2007, 07:11
debrajean debrajean is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Calypso View Post
So many doctors today seem to view a miscarriage (sometimes called a spontaneous abortion) as a strictly medical event. They make sure it wasn't an ectopic pregnancy and that the womb has emptied itself of all "products of conception," then they put the woman on a light painkiller and send her home.

What they don't seem to realize is that the woman has just experienced the death of her unborn child and that it's normal for her to deeply grieve that loss if she needs to. Statements such as, "It's okay, you can always have another baby," don't help.

I wanted to start this thread so that women who have had miscarriages would feel comfortable sharing their grief and getting support here. I've never miscarried, but I have friends who have, and they all found the grief and the subsequent lack of support devastating.
It is ignorant and insensitive for anyone to dismiss a miscarriage as not being a 'real pregnancy'. That child was as much alive as a full-term, birth child. They are loved from the moment they are concieved and plans begin to form for that new life and our lives immediately change once we realize we are carrying another life inside. To lose that child due to a miscarriage is to lose a child in any other way. They need to be mourned, to be remembered.
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  #9  
Old July 13th, 2007, 21:56
sandmike123 sandmike123 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cassiem0221 View Post
I am glad to hear that someone else believes this is a loss. I have had 2 miscarriages and it was horrible. I went for an ultrasound for my first one and there was no baby found..just the "products of conception". Up until then everything seemed fine. They sent me home and told me to "let nature take its course." Which took 2 weeks.. 2 long weeks of wonrding when it would happen. With my second, it happened instantly. Both times I grieved equally. It was one of the hardest things I have been through. I always wonder what they would have looked like or how they would act... etc.
I had a pregnancy like this too. But my doctors did a D&C the very next day. I don't think I would have handled being told to let nature take it's course very well at all.
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  #10  
Old July 28th, 2007, 14:59
Comfortdoc Comfortdoc is offline
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Default Being Gentle with and Respectful of Each Other's Losses

I have learned over the years of being in the bereavement field is that people may respond differently to the same loss or traumatic event and that people experience distress and respond to distress in many different ways. What may be a devastating loss for one person, may be inconsequential for another.

Each of us has our own coping mechanisms. It is important not to compare our reaction with the reactions of others, or judge someone else's reactions or lack of reactions.

I have always believed that each person's loss deserves to be respected. This is one of the main guidelines for the Journey of Hearts website.

There is the old expression that to truly understand a person, you have to walk a mile in his or her shoes. This quote by W. Macneile Dixon is one that has guided me in my work, "To understand any living thing, you must creep within and feel the beating of its heart."

I think the words of Arnold and Gemma help to describe how parents feel when they lose a child...
Children are not supposed to die...Parents expect to see their children grow and mature. Ultimately, parents expect to die and leave their children behind...This is the natural course of life events, the life cycle continuing as it should. The loss of a child is the loss of innocence, the death of the most vulnerable and dependent.

The death of a child signifies the loss of the future, of hopes and dreams, of new strength, and of perfection.

Quote source: Arnold JH, Gemma PB. A Child Dies A Portrait of Family Grief. Philadelphia, PA: The Charles Press Publishers. Second Ed. 1994.

The death of a child, at whatever stage that death occurs, signals the loss of the future, of hopes and of dreams.

Remember that some parents never even get the chance to carry a child to term and some people may never get the chance to become parents they may deeply grieve these losses also.

Kirsti A. Dyer MD, MS, FT
Physician, Health Educator, Professor, Fellow in Thanatology
Domain Designer, Journey of Hearts http://www.journeyofhearts.org
Grief, Loss & Transitions - Journey of Hearts Blog - http://grief-loss-info.blogspot.com/
NICU Parent Support Blog - http://nicuparentsupport.blogspot.com

Last edited by Comfortdoc : July 28th, 2007 at 15:34.
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