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  #1  
Old December 4th, 2013, 06:37
HannahD HannahD is offline
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Default Complicated Grief

Hello… I am new to this forum. I had been trying to find a forum that could help me with my grief.

My husband passed away June 2012 after being involved in a traffic accident and then having a heart attack. The parametics/doctors tried to save him but could not.

I cannot seem to get past deep grief each day. I've been to Bereavement Group, Bereavement Counselor, a Psychologist and a Psychiatrist. Nothing has helped to any degree.

I cry uncontrollably each and every day and cannot bear to think that I am going to have to go on without my husband. I want him back. I want a miracle.

I meet people during groups that seem to be able to move forward. I cannot get through a day. I need friendship and help and understanding.

Thank you for 'listening'.

Hannah
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  #2  
Old December 4th, 2013, 12:48
hazelharris hazelharris is offline
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hi hannah i am so sorry for your loss and difficulty trying to cope many people i have spoken to on here have said the second year was the worst so please don't think you are unusual or on your own
you say you want a miracle well those kind of miracles don't happen i think you are stuck in grief because you haven't accepted he is now in heaven
some people do move on quickly but don't compare yourself to others we are all different the grief and loss has to be dealt with first then you will be able to move forward
i know you want your life back as it was we all do but you must try and accept that part of your life has gone all you can take with you are good memories and be thankful for the time he had he shared his life with you he still loves you and needs you to be happy again he showed you what love is all about and that's caring for another more than yourself so try be happy not just for yourself but for him
i know what is in your heart there is such sadness loneliness a desperation not to accept reality the loss of a loved one overshadows everything soon you must look for this new life finding where you belong i know it's hard but try to do different things and as time passes you will eventually find your way
thinking of you love hazel x
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Last edited by hazelharris : December 4th, 2013 at 12:54.
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  #3  
Old December 4th, 2013, 15:23
HannahD HannahD is offline
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Default Complicated Grief

Thank you Hazel for your reply. You were right on so many levels. It is hard because I haven't accepted that my husband is not going to return. I have to come to terms with this somehow.

I do try to work hard at this but the pain doesn't lessen.

Thanks again for responding.

Hannah
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  #4  
Old December 4th, 2013, 16:30
j's daughter j's daughter is offline
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Hello HannahD,

I've lost cousins, my brother, grandparents and both parents now to death. And a spouse to divorce many years ago. I know the bond between husband and wife is different than between daughter and father or mother, for example, but my point is, everyone here knows loss of one sort or another. It hurts.

Your grief saddens me. I wish I had magic words to comfort you and lighten your lonely burden for even a few moments. As all of us here know, there are no miracles that will bring back the loved one we've lost.

I don't know what help you were given in counselling or bereavement groups. I didn't seek out professional help myself, so don't know the suggestions and support of those individuals or groups. Many people are helped there, I know.

My mother died 3 years ago, and from that point on, I have been on my own, alone in the world. My family is gone now. What helps me, in addition to talking to people here, is to focus on how much still remains, how much is left, of the people who are physically gone. I know I won't again hear the key in the lock, won't again be welcomed home myself, or welcome anyone else coming in the door. But everyone I've physically lost is still very much with me.

I have photos and memories. Not the same as being able to physically hug or see the person, but still very much in my life. I wrote long letters to my Mom, the last one to go, and the person I had a very strong bond with. Still do write to her, just not as often as at first. But I do update her on the goings-on.

Don't worry about the tears - I haven't stopped crying yet, so know that you will cry enough to fill oceans yet.

Are you able, through your tears, to feel your husband's spirit still with you? Painful as it is, can you close your eyes and go back to a time when you both were happy and together, and just bring that feeling into the present? Even for a moment?

Can you see your husband in your day-to-day life? Slowly, as and when you can, just take a breath, and thank him for the time you had together. As and when and for as long as you can - one second, one minute at a time - focus on what you had together, let go of what you feel is gone.

I agree with Hazel, the second year after we lose someone is often harder than the first. It was for me. I think the first year, I was numb. For a whole year, at least. Year 2, I felt the loss more because I felt everything more. The numbness was wearing off.

And I agree with Hazel that we can't compare our own journey through dark grief with the next person's. Some people seem to get on more quickly. Some of us take a bit longer. Or a lifetime.

Your husband would want to be the reason for your happiness, not the cause of your sorrow. With the passage of time, you may come to understand that, and be able to give him the gift of your happiness once again. In time, you will smile and not feel guilty about smiling. In time, you will be able to look at his picture, and not feel only the loneliness, but the happy memories will come back, too.

In time. Don't rush the journey, or think you "should" be farther along than you are. You are right where you "should" be at this very moment. Sometimes, it's one tiny step forward, two giant steps back!

Let yourself grieve. Let yourself cry. The sorrow has to come out before the joy has a place to live once again. One day you will realize you've got through a whole day without once crying. (You'll cry double the amount when you realize that, of course. I did.)

You are in my thoughts, Hannah. Most important to know: you are not alone in your grief. Stay with this forum if you find help here. Sometimes it helps to talk about the one we've lost. It helps to make that person not so ... not so ... gone.

Stay in touch. We care.
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  #5  
Old December 5th, 2013, 22:46
Ctd82213 Ctd82213 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HannahD View Post
Hello… I am new to this forum. I had been trying to find a forum that could help me with my grief.

My husband passed away June 2012 after being involved in a traffic accident and then having a heart attack. The parametics/doctors tried to save him but could not.

I cannot seem to get past deep grief each day. I've been to Bereavement Group, Bereavement Counselor, a Psychologist and a Psychiatrist. Nothing has helped to any degree.

I cry uncontrollably each and every day and cannot bear to think that I am going to have to go on without my husband. I want him back. I want a miracle.

I meet people during groups that seem to be able to move forward. I cannot get through a day. I need friendship and help and understanding.

Thank you for 'listening'.

Hannah
Hannah,
I feel your pain and wish you comfort. You miss your husband and it's hard to deal with life without the one we love. I am new here, I lost the man I love a little over 3 months ago. It's a darkness that I never would've thought possible. I find myself wishing for the answer to how I can move forward and feel better, a quick fix, anything that will make these tears stop falling. I've gotten many great words of wisdom from people on this forum. Little things, suggestions that have helped me to cope. Mostly, I've felt that its a place where I can share my feelings freely and vent out my emotions among those who aren't strangers to grief. Please know that there are people here willing to listen and who offer friendship and understanding to you. I wish you peace in your heart. Hugs to you.
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  #6  
Old December 6th, 2013, 06:39
sdk sdk is offline
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Hannah,

So sorryf or your loss. I know what you are going through and exactly how you feel. My husband will be gone 2 years on jan. 8th. I have found the 2 year harder because reality has set in that he is not coming back. The days for me are a little better, but it is the nights that are the worst. I talk to my husband all the time and find my self still asking him to come home and telling him the joke is over. I know in my head that he is not coming home but it has not reached my heart yet. Life is getting better at times, because te tears are less and less intense. I go to work, go shopping, spent time with my granddaughter and have even gone away for 4 days alone. Last week I went to our favorite diner for dinner alone. It wasn't as bad as I thought. Being on this forum for well over a year has been a life saver for me. Knowing we are not alone in our grief realy helps.
As others have said, take your time, allow the tears to come and allow yourself to feel what you. It does get better, but it need to be on your time and no one elses.
Take care
Hugs,
Sheryl
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  #7  
Old December 6th, 2013, 18:49
hazelharris hazelharris is offline
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hi sheryl so comforting to read your message to hannah knowing we both although miles apart push ourselves in the same way to this life without our loved ones i found the meal alone was sad but i did it then the second time was not so bad the thoughts of doing things alone is always worse than the reality i will light a candle for your husband at the service next week the same as last year and for my other friends who were with us on this journey last year thinking of you my friend love hazel xxx
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  #8  
Old December 7th, 2013, 09:25
Whitehorse81 Whitehorse81 is offline
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Dear Hannah: My heart aches for you. I wish there was a magic wand to wave and make the pain go away, but there just isn't one. I'm glad you did try different outlets for help, but I see they didnt really help you. You need time to adjust to this new life, alone, and comes to terms of what has happened to you.
When my husband passed 2 years ago I had a lady tell me it could take 5 years for me to come to terms. I thought to myself, no way, surely this grief will pass sooner and I will be happy again. Well, I will say I understand now what she was trying to tell me. It's not that I live in a deep grief, but its still underlying in my thoughts. Just when I think I am ok, something happens or said that triggers the pain and I feel a deep sadness come over me.

Just know your not alone and to take your time with your grief. You will be ok.

Jacquie
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  #9  
Old December 10th, 2013, 06:41
HannahD HannahD is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2013
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Default Complicated Grief

Thank you to all for replying with messages of hope and care. I continue to have trouble living day to day. Most days I don't want to. I want to be with my husband. But I know my purpose, whatever that is, is not complete.

I want the grief to soften but as we all know the triggers are just around the corner daily. I live moment to moment taking small baby steps. I hope one day to be able to smile broadly and know my heart will be at peace.

Thank you again for each of you taking the time to offer words of comfort to me. I greatly appreciate them.

Hannah
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  #10  
Old March 8th, 2014, 20:30
Chaka Chaka is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sdk View Post
Hannah,

So sorryf or your loss. I know what you are going through and exactly how you feel. My husband will be gone 2 years on jan. 8th. I have found the 2 year harder because reality has set in that he is not coming back. The days for me are a little better, but it is the nights that are the worst. I talk to my husband all the time and find my self still asking him to come home and telling him the joke is over. I know in my head that he is not coming home but it has not reached my heart yet. Life is getting better at times, because te tears are less and less intense. I go to work, go shopping, spent time with my granddaughter and have even gone away for 4 days alone. Last week I went to our favorite diner for dinner alone. It wasn't as bad as I thought. Being on this forum for well over a year has been a life saver for me. Knowing we are not alone in our grief realy helps.
As others have said, take your time, allow the tears to come and allow yourself to feel what you. It does get better, but it need to be on your time and no one elses.
Take care
Hugs,
Sheryl
Sheryl, I'm actually glad to read this. I'm going to apply it to me and assume I'm not crazy for wishing my fiance would come back. I can really relate to "I know in my head that he is not coming home but it has not reached my heart yet."
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