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  #1  
Old June 21st, 2014, 05:19
Jodilynne Jodilynne is offline
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Default 3 weeks

The reality has started to settle in. I can't take the physical pain it's causing. I want to jump out of my skin. The mornings are the worse. I miss Billy so much. I don't want to live and know I can't die. I feel trapped in this world. I want off the ride, but know there is no off. I ask God for help. I am sure I am getting it and just don't see it. It's Saturday and I think what they use to be like on a beautiful summer day. I can sense him as I write, but I. Would do anything to turn back the hands of time Help!!!
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  #2  
Old June 21st, 2014, 13:03
hazelharris hazelharris is offline
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hi jodi HUGS to you i know how hard it is for you to cope with this awful pain it's only been a few weeks since Billy went to heaven and for a while we live in the past thinking it's a nightmare we hope to wake up from there is no easy way to cope i'm sorry and my heart goes out to you we all have our time on earth my friend chrissie on here told me a story her mum used to say In heaven when we are born we are all given a candle of life it's just sad that some of us have shorter candles than others we have to just thank the Lord for the time we were given together one month is better than a week 2 years is better than one it's so sad Billy's candle was a short one we can live a hundred years and it's never long enough when we love someone so the way i have coped is saying i'm grateful for the years i had with him i know by the grace of God one day you will be reunited with Billy again and be with him for eternity but your life has to go on without him physically with you but he is here in spirit you will carry his love and memory with you throughout your life until the time comes when you will see him again You have been thrown into a life you didn't choose but its your life and you have to try and make the best of your precious days Billy loves you and he would hope more than anything that you will be strong for him he needs you to get through this and one day be happy again Try to do different things than you did before his passing especially in the mornings if they are worse you could try writing him a note each day telling him how you are going to cope what you are doing if you have a garden plant a memory garden for him visit your friends and family play music talk to him do whatever you can to find some comfort and peace to get through the days the pain is too raw at the moment to look to the future but you will survive this and he will know in heaven and be even more proud of you and when you can smile again it will light its way to reach him in heaven xxxx
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  #3  
Old June 21st, 2014, 13:24
Jodilynne Jodilynne is offline
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Hi hazel
You always have the right things to say. Like you know who Billy and I are without ever meeting us. Thank god there are people who do get it and make no judgement. I need to hear more about our spirits and that we will be tigether again. It's the only thing that keeps me going. This am I remembered how Bill used to make me breakfast on Saturdays and it made me miss him. If I am honest enough he wasn't able to make me breakfast for a while. I was just focused on taking care of him I never mourned all these things. Again thanks for understanding
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  #4  
Old June 21st, 2014, 13:47
cal821 cal821 is offline
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Jodilynne..

I'm sorry your heart is breaking over and over again with each passing day. Unfortunately it is part of the process... This is the insidious cycle of grief... Right now everything is Raw, and Shattered for you. You are running on pure adrenalin and you are trying to get a foot down to stabilize the spin your in. Please understand this is also part of the process. I have re-posted a thread I had written some time ago about the Tear process. Please feel free to read it.. It might give you some clarity.
I know where you are right now in the cycle as many others here in the forums can also relate. It is the brutal part of the process in the beginning as you try to start to accept the loss. Everything is raw, throbbing as you feel the decimation in this part of the process. Please believe me this stage will pass in time.

Losing a spouse is perhaps one of the most emotionally grueling experiences an adult can go through in their lifetime. The deafening emptiness of your home without your partner, the realization of dependency on your spouse, and the loss of everything that you once shared with-companionship, a friend, a person to turn to for advice-these are hard pills to swallow.

Grief happens one bit at a time. You feel bad for a while and then it stops. You feel fine, then you feel sad again, then the sadness stops. It is important to know that grief works like this, so that we are not frightened that it will carry on forever. It won't. It will stop.

We experience only as much sadness as is necessary for our feelings to adjust as far as they can at any one time, then the feeling stops.

When we have become used to that amount of change and loss, the unconscious lets us feel a bit more, and so on, until we have fully absorbed the whole significance of the loss.

Just hang in there Jodilynne. Small Steps on day at a time It's going to be okay..


I wish you peace in this horrible time.

Cal821
__________________
Memory can only tell us what we were,
in the company of those we loved;
it cannot help us find what each of us, alone, must now become.
Yet no person is really alone;
those who live no more echo still within our thoughts and words,
and what they did has become woven into what we are.

I wish you peace and a level path on your journey...

Cal821
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  #5  
Old June 21st, 2014, 14:07
Jodilynne Jodilynne is offline
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Thank you for helping me make sense out of all this. You defiantly wrote down exactly how I feel.
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  #6  
Old June 22nd, 2014, 07:50
Jodilynne Jodilynne is offline
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Ugh, I hate mornings. I get such relief at night and then I wake up. It hurts so much yet I can't even cry anymore. My skin hurts. How is this ever going to get better. Please help I ask God for help. I ask Bill for help too. Ugh
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  #7  
Old June 22nd, 2014, 15:36
cal821 cal821 is offline
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Jodilynne,

I'am sorry your hurting so bad inside right now.. It is the worst type of Hell in the beginning stage. I wish I had something to help ease the pain even if it for a little bit. But unfortunately you have to go through this.. It's part of the rebuilding cycle. You have to be taken down to your base foundations Physically, Mentally,Emotionally. Grief unfortunately is the great equalizer for everybody.

I have a suggestion for your mornings if you like.. Try to sit down the night before and right out a list of things you need to get completed. Tidying, vacuuming, dishes, laundry.. I know it is mundane everyday things but I always found a little bit of distraction from the pain is a great thing even if your on auto pilot. I know everything is still reeling and numb and raw. But if you can force yourself to distraction for even a few minutes out of the day it will give you a foothold on trying to slow the spin down.

The best thing you can do for yourself is focus on yourself right now if you can. Tend to your needs for the time being, Sleep in , eat when you can, if your not hungry force yourself to eat at least once a day. I know everything sounds easier than it is right now. Everything seems surreal and reality seems detached some how.. But it will slowly come together for you.. Right now it is about closing the gap.. Your soul feels like it torn in two and tattered. and in a sense it is.. When we are tied to someone we love in this life... our souls meld. Losing that person abruptly shears only the physical soul connection. The mental and emotional connections are permanent. They never shear. Love is eternal!!! That connection will never fade or die. But there has to be a physical disconnect so that we can move forward.
Bill will always be with you 24/7 365 looking down upon you sending you his love and affection. Though he can no longer be in with you in the physical realm.... his connection will always be you spiritually. And no matter were you go or what you do he will always be with you in this life! Our loved ones only leave our physical sight in this life.. they never leave our side... as we will also never leave our loved ones we leave behind when our time comes.. The connection and synchronicity with our spiritual connections is vaster than most people know.. we are all connected in spirit .. we here on this physical plain and our loved ones on the other side..

Be open to it and Bill will send you signs in your dreams he is okay and that he loves you.. That will come in time as you move in the cycle. Grief blocks our connections in the beginning to let our heart, body and mind heal and adjust to the profound change that has happened in our life. Be patient and you will hear from Bill in time.. but it is never on the time frame we want...


Keep writing, read,scream, yell,vent.. lean on us here. This is a place of Kindred spirits. The beginning is always the hardest part of the journey.. but in time you will get some elevation on the path. and you will start to get a sense of direction on your path.

I wish you peace.. remember keep breathing when you just want to scream.. it's going to be okay.. small steps

Cal821
__________________
Memory can only tell us what we were,
in the company of those we loved;
it cannot help us find what each of us, alone, must now become.
Yet no person is really alone;
those who live no more echo still within our thoughts and words,
and what they did has become woven into what we are.

I wish you peace and a level path on your journey...

Cal821

Last edited by cal821 : June 22nd, 2014 at 15:49.
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  #8  
Old June 22nd, 2014, 20:28
Jodilynne Jodilynne is offline
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Once again I want to thank you. Every day it think it cannot get worse I am surprised when it does. Today was awful. No matter what I did I could not shake the pain of him not being here. So I just went with it. I went home and slepted. It was a beautiful New England day, the kind of day Bill and I would be outside for hours. After laying in bed and crying I heard Bills voice to get up and go walk the beach. Something we did every season no matter how cold it was too. He also walked during chemo. So I thought ok I will do it for him. So I walked and cried for a couple if hours. Thinking he was holdin my hand and walking with me. I had so many mixed emotions. I do believe in the whole spiritual world and I know my grief is blocking it. I what to thank you though for saying what you did because underneath all this grief I do know Bill and I are connected. It was proven more in the last few weeks he was alive. Thank you again fir understanding and having some words of hope. Obviously it's a process and I have along way to go, but you sound like my Bill so I guess we get what we need. I will continue crying and trying to heal. I am out if work right now and I guess that is a blessing in disguise. Thanks again for checking in and helping
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  #9  
Old August 11th, 2014, 00:08
baglady1st baglady1st is offline
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In time, you will get better and be functional. Even the widows brain fades. Try to remember the good times and the wonderful years you spent with each other. Don't let your pain destroy the joy you once had. We are all thinking of you and your sorrow. You are not alone,
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