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Old September 6th, 2011, 15:55
taralynne taralynne is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2011
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Default husband commits suicide at 35, left me with two small children

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This is my first time attempting to reach out to someone for some advice, help, walk in the right direction or just to vent and I'm very nervous about doing so.

My husband of ten years and I separated in 2007 because he made some bad business decisions, had depression and type 1 diabeties that he never took care of. He was draining me and was very emotionally abusive due to his mood swings from low blood sugar.

We had two small children at the time of my separation; 9 months and 2. It took a lot of courage to take that step and move out. I moved in with my parents with my two small children and attempted to create a calm and safe life for my children.

My husband continued to make bad decisions finacially and eventually got in way over his head. He hadn't paid child support in two years so I was doing it all on my own. He also hadn't seen his children in over a year.

I eventually found the "man of my dreams" and I had never been happier. Well, that was until that dreaded day on April 6, 2011 when I received a phone call from my brother-in-law that Mike had committed suicide in the garage of his mother's house.

Mike had just turned 35 the month before. I remember falling to the floor and screaming NO!!! After that it was and continures to be a blur.

The funeral was very awkward and I felt a stranger. The kids and I hadn't seen Mike in over a year and hadn't seen his family in over two years. I also fought with the decision on whether or not to take the kids to the funeral. I wanted them to remember their last time with him; going to build-a-bear. Eventually, I left it up to them. They decided to go and briefly walked up to the casket and then ran out.

The vision I have of that moment haunts me still to this day. The vision of seeing Mike in that coffin gives me nightmares.

Days after the funeral I went back to my normal routine. I had to be strong for my babies, I had to "get over it" as my Marine Dad told me, I had to stop crying so my mother wouldn't have me commited, I had to go back to work so that my kids could eat, and I had to be a wonderful girlfriend to the man of my dreams.

Today is 5 months since Mike's death and I can't stop crying. Thinking back I guess I recognize that I didn't give myself enough time to grieve but I really didn't have a choice nor do I now. My emotions are all over the place. I get that I once loved this man and had two beautiful children with him. I get that I'm human and I feeling grief is natural. What I don't understand is after all the crap he put the kids and I through how I could still be or just beginning to feel like the walls are caving in.

I feel like if I allow myself to grieve that I'll loose the one person in my life that I've been waiting for for so long. I worry that if my children see me cry they'll dive even deeper into depression. I wonder if my Dad will see me as a weak link and I'm really concerned that my Mom won't understand.

Someone please tell me I'll be okay.
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