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Old January 3rd, 2016, 17:56
hazelharris hazelharris is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2012
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Default everything doesn't happen for a reason

Everything Doesn't Happen For A Reason
I emerge from this conversation dumbfounded. I've seen this a million times before, but it still gets me every time.
Iím listening to a man tell a story. A woman he knows was in a devastating car accident; her life shattered in an instant. She now lives in a state of near-permanent pain; a paraplegic; many of her hopes stolen.
He tells of how she had been a mess before the accident, but that the tragedy had engendered positive changes in her life. That she was, as a result of this devastation, living a wonderful life.
And then he utters the words. The words that are responsible for nothing less than emotional, spiritual and psychological violence:
Everything happens for a reason,that this was something that had to happen in order for her to grow.
That's the kind of bullshit that destroys lives. And it is categorically untrue.
It is amazing to me that so many of these myths persist These myths are nothing more than platitudes cloaked as sophistication, and they preclude us from doing the one and only thing we must do when our lives are turned upside down: grieve.
You know exactly what I'm talking about. You've heard these countless times. You've probably even uttered them a few times yourself. And every single one of them needs to be annihilated.
Let me be crystal clear: if you've faced a tragedy and someone tells you in any way, shape or form that your tragedy was meant to be, that it happened for a reason, that it will make you a better person, or that taking responsibility for it will fix it, you have every right to remove them from your life.
Grief is brutally painful. Grief does not only occur when someone dies. When relationships fall apart, you grieve. When opportunities are shattered, you grieve. When dreams die, you grieve. When illnesses wreck you, you grieve.
So Iím going to repeat a few words Iíve uttered countless times; words so powerful and honest they tear at the hubris of everyone who participates in the debasing of the grieving:
Some things in life cannot be fixed. They can only be carried.
These words are so poignant because they aim right at the pathetic platitudes our culture has come to embody on a increasingly hopeless level. Losing a child cannot be fixed. Being diagnosed with a debilitating illness cannot be fixed.losing a loved one cannot be fixed
They can only be carried.
I hate to break it to you, but although devastation can lead to growth, it often doesn't. The reality is that it often destroys lives. And the real calamity is that this happens precisely because we've replaced grieving with advice. With platitudes. With our absence.
While so much loss has made me acutely aware and empathetic of the pains of others, it has also made me more impatient with those who are unfamiliar with what loss does to people.
Above all, I've been left with a pervasive survivorís guilt and a brokenness that is managed but can never quite heal .In short, my pain has never been eradicated, I've just learned to channel it into my work my family and the things that make me happy but to say that my losses somehow had to happen in order for my gifts to grow would be to trample on the memories of all those I lost too young; all those who suffered needlessly, and all those who faced the same trials I have in my life,but did not make it.
I'm simply not going to do that. I'm not going to construct some delusional narrative fallacy for myself so that I can feel better about being alive. I'm not going to assume that God ordained me for life instead of all the others so that I could do some good in this world for others And I'm certainly not going to pretend that I've made it through simply because I was strong enough
Thereís a lot of ďtake responsibilityĒ platitudes in the personal development space, and they are largely nonsense. People tell others to take responsibility when they donít want to understand.Personal responsibility implies that thereís something to take responsibility for. You take responsibility for how you choose to live in the wake of the horrors that confront you, but you don't choose whether you grieve. We're not that smart or powerful. When hell visits us, we don't get to escape grieving.
This is why all the platitudes and fixes and posturing are so dangerous: in unleashing them upon those we claim to love, we deny them the right to grieve
In so doing, we deny them the right to be human. We steal a bit of their freedom precisely when they're standing at the intersection of their greatest fragility and despair.No one has that authority. Though we claim it all the time.The irony is that the only thing that even can be "responsible" amidst loss is grieving.
So if anyone tells you some form of get over it, move on, or rise above, you can let them go.
If anyone avoids you amidst loss, or pretends like it didnít happen, or disappears from your life, you can let them go.
If anyone tells you that all is not lost, that it happened for a reason, that youíll become better as a result of your grief, you can let them go.
Let me reiterate: all of those platitudes are bullshit.You are not responsible to those who try to shove them down your throat. You can let them go.
Iím not saying you should. That is up to you, and only up to you. It isn't an easy decision to make and should be made carefully. But I want you to understand that you can.
In grief the ones who helped the most were those who were there. And sometimes said nothing but i knew they were there if i needed them and .In that nothingness, they did everything.
I am here I survived because people, family, and sometimes strangers chose to care enough to be there sometimes in their silence in their willingness to suffer with me, alongside me, and through me. They loved me in their desire to be as uncomfortable, as destroyed, as I was, if only for a week, an hour, even just a few minutes.Most people have no idea how utterly powerful this is.
Are there ways to find "healing" amidst devastation? Yes. Can one be "transformed" by the hell life thrusts upon them? Absolutely. But it does not happen if one is not permitted to grieve. Because grief itself is not an obstacle.The obstacles come later. The choices as to how to live; how to carry what we have lost; how to weave a new mosaic for ourselves? Those come in the wake of grief. It cannot be any other way.
Grief is woven into the fabric of the human experience. If it is not permitted to occur, its absence pillages everything that remains: the fragile, vulnerable shell you might become in the face of catastrophe.
Yet our culture has treated grief as a problem to be solved, an illness to be healed, or both. In the process, we've done everything we can to avoid, ignore, or transform grief. As a result, when you're faced with tragedy you usually find that you're no longer surrounded by people, you're surrounded by platitudes.
What to Offer Instead
When a person is devastated by grief, the last thing they need is advice. Their world has been shattered. Instead, the most powerful thing you can do is acknowledge. Literally say the words:I acknowledge your pain. I am here with you.note that I said with you, not for you. For that implies that you're going to do something and it's not for you to enact but to just stand with them to suffer with them, to listen to them.There is no greater act than acknowledgment. And acknowledgment requires no training, no special skills, no expertise. It only requires the willingness to be present with a wounded soul, and to stay present, as long as is necessary.Be not leave when you feel uncomfortable or when you feel like you're not doing anything. In fact, it is when you feel uncomfortable and like you're not doing anything that you must stay.Because it is in those placesóin the shadows of horror we rarely allow ourselves to enterówhere the beginnings of healing are found. This healing is found when we have others who are willing to enter that space alongside us. Every grieving person on earth needs someone to be there
i pray all those in grief find that someone xx
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Old May 4th, 2016, 13:53
hazelharris hazelharris is offline
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Old January 22nd, 2017, 10:07
hazelharris hazelharris is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,144

re posted x
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