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Old July 5th, 2017, 10:32
Amberlight61 Amberlight61 is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2017
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Default Lost my Dad last month

On June 15, I lost my 92-year-old father, and am really struggling with my grief. I was Dadís caregiver for several years, and we lived in the same house. Even though I knew his death was inevitable, and that I was lucky to have him for so long, it still came as a huge shock to me. He died suddenly at home of a massive heart attack.

It has only been three weeks since his passing, and I know I canít possibly expect to be over my grief in such a short time, but I am getting worried about my ability to function. All I want to do is sleep or watch TV. Iím anxious and depressed, and I have no appetite. I have to force myself to eat, and canít bear the thought of cooking a meal for just one person instead of two; Iíve been mostly eating out recently. I had to return to work last week, but itís very hard to focus or feel like I even care about what Iím doing.

The only thing I look forward to is bedtime when I can shut myself in my room, binge-watch shows on Netflix into the early hours of the morning, and then escape into the oblivion of sleep. I usually feel calmer and stronger in the evenings and at night. But when morning comes, I feel as bad as ever again. I have to really force myself to get up. As soon as I open my eyes and see that itís daylight, all I feel is a heavy sense of dread and despair at the thought of having to somehow get through another long, lonely, emotionally-exhausting day. I just want to stay in bed, go back to sleep, and never wake up.

A big part of my problem is that I am having to adjust to living alone for the first time in my life. I am 56, and have no partner or children. My mother died seven years ago, and the only family I have left is one sister, who lives 45 minutes away. I am lucky to have lots of support from friends, but they can only do so much. I feel so terribly alone right now and that is making my grief a lot worse. If there was someone else living in the house, I probably wouldnít be suffering as much. Itís getting so I donít want to be at home at all until itís time to go to bed. Being there just makes me feel like Iím suffocating or drowning, because everywhere I look there are reminders of Dad. I have lost all interest in my normal activities. In fact life just seems pointless at the moment, and more effort than itís worth.

I know that everyone loses parents and other close loved ones, and that grief is a universal human experience -- but these are just meaningless words right now. At least when Mom died, I wasnít alone, like I am now. The loneliness is just so horrible. I donít know what to do to get myself through this, and canít bear the thought that Iím going to continue feeling this bleak for months and months to come. Anyone else out there having to face living alone after a bereavement, whether youíve lost a partner or parent? How do you make it a little easier for yourself?
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  #2  
Old July 7th, 2017, 10:20
cal821 cal821 is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 450
Default Iam very sorry to hear of your Loss Amber

Amberlight61, please accept my condolences on the loss of your father. I do apologize as I am not on the forum as much as I used to be in the past.

Amberlight61. Its only been a short while since your father has passed on so everything is going to be very Raw and the pain feels like it never will end.

My best advise for you right now is to Breathe... take things slowly right now and focus on this present moment. Try to get out and do things for yourself.. Anything you can do to distract yourself from your pain and sorrow will help you immensely.. even if it just for a short time..

The people we are the closest to in our lives meld with us. They become part of us. When their time comes and they move on to the other side. The connection is still there but their physical connection to our soul tears in the separation. We are forced to live without them physically in our lives anymore. Hence the huge hole we feel in our heart when we mourn their passing and separation from us. I know your heart feels like it has been shredded and you feel abandoned and alone at this time. Its unfortunately part of the grief process .. its the part where we are learning to cope without our loved ones presence physically in our lives. I'm sorry there is no words or advice that will really help you at this time. You unfortunately have to go through this process and learn to adapt to your new life.. I know this is harsh and I do apologize for how its sounds.

I have written many posts on coping and posted a lot of articles here on this site. If you feel up to it take a look at some of them. They may help you to gain some perspective on the journey you are now on. Its going to take a while to go through the process and everyone grieves differently and at different intensities. The closer and the bigger the impact or influence the loved on who has passed had in our lives. The deeper the connection and the more severe the pain and anguish felt in their loss.

Again I'm sorry you are in so much pain and misery for your loss of your father. Hang in there. As I said breathe... and remember always you are blessed with memories and experiences with your father that will be with you always. I know at this time it feels like a curse and it brings waves of pain and sorrow. But one day the day will come and those memories will bring joy again.

I wish you peace for your shattered heart, one day at a time, and remember to go with the process talk about it, blog, rant, experience the whole process and go with the pain. It may not feel like it now but it will teach you.. steel your resolve.. and help you to rebuild from this devastating loss.

Dave ( AKA Cal821 )
__________________
Memory can only tell us what we were,
in the company of those we loved;
it cannot help us find what each of us, alone, must now become.
Yet no person is really alone;
those who live no more echo still within our thoughts and words,
and what they did has become woven into what we are.

I wish you peace and a level path on your journey...

Cal821

Last edited by cal821 : July 7th, 2017 at 10:30.
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  #3  
Old July 7th, 2017, 13:49
Amberlight61 Amberlight61 is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2017
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Default

Thanks for your kind words, Cal821. I know that nothing is going to make me feel better right now, and that only time can help ease the pain. But it's comforting to know that I am not alone, and that other people have been through this, and were able to learn how to enjoy live again. Right now, that day seems impossibly distant to me, but I agree that just taking life one day at a time is the best way to get through it. Looking ahead is too overwhelming for the psyche, because when we're in the depths of severe grief, we can't imagine that it's possible we'll ever feel better again.

I am making a point of getting out somewhere each day, whether it's to the office, and/or to spend time with friends or my sister. Getting out and about does help. I also find that the evenings feel better than the days -- I guess because when evening comes, I can look forward to going to bed and escaping my pain for awhile. Thank goodness I am not having trouble sleeping, at least! But getting up in the morning and knowing I have to somehow get through another day without Dad is very depressing and exhausting right now.

Deep breathing is also helpful and I'm trying to do that as well, in addition to giving myself time and space to cry when I feel like it.

Thank you again for your response.
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