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Old January 6th, 2011, 10:45
amanda1971 amanda1971 is offline
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Default 9 months I feel the same

It has been 9 months since mum passed away. She had advanced terminal cancer, with no pain until the last 3 days, we were told 3 weeks before she died.
We nursed her at home, and that was the hardest thing I have ever done.
I feel the same as the day she died. I have not talked to any councillors and that is why I am writing on here.
I need to talk about it, but not sure how.
I feel the same as the night she died. I feel like a part of me has died.
I am not sure if this is normal, what I am having trouble coping with is the weeks upto her dying.
I was all numb.
My sister is not coping, but my father seems to of accepted it.
I could not sit with her for her last few minutes, I feel like a coward, my younger sister sat with her until she took her last breath.
I am a coward, I wish I was braver.
Am I alone in this ?
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Old January 7th, 2011, 02:13
deanlearner deanlearner is offline
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Hi Amanda,my father passed away 2 months ago from terminal cancer.We only knew 2 weeks before he passed that he was going to die.Up until then I thought he was going to get better.Looking back I was an idiot to think that.We nursed him at home also.I can relate completely to what you mean about being numb before.When my dad came home to die it's like I just switched into autopilot and did everything without feeling much.Looking after him was the hardest thing I have ever done too and I never knew that I would be able to cope with something like that.I wish I wasn't like that during that period but I guess it was shock.I didn't really cry until the night he died and I felt my life change forever in a way that I never wanted it to.I feel like a coward because I couldn't tell my dad I loved him and that I was proud of him despite all the chances I had.I will feel guilty about that for the rest of my life.And I feel like I should have realised sooner that he was badly ill and that I could have been there for him more in the months before he died,but I was too caught up in my own life and that really bothers me.You should know that you are not a coward but the complete opposite.You stepped up and did the hardest thing you ever faced.And that takes a lot of strength.Nobody wants to see someone that they love pass away and that's perfectly normal and completely understandable.I'm sure your mother would have been proud of your strength.
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