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Old June 13th, 2011, 23:10
abrown abrown is offline
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Join Date: May 2011
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Default This is all i've got

For those of you who didn't read my other post, my dad passed away about 2 months ago unexpectedly. My mom recently told me she's been writing in a journal before bed just to get everything out, so i thought i'd give it a try. I don't really know what else to write on here, so i'm just going to post one of the writings I wrote back in May. (Just for references, Derek is my brother.)

5/14/11

We visited the cemetery today, I don't know if you knew that or not, and we stood next to your grave for a good 10 minutes. I know that sounds bad, but mom is the only one who really shows any emotions when we go, or ever really. I don't know what's going on with derek so I can't speak for him, but for me its like I don't feel anything. As soon as we get to your grave, mom started to tear up, derek had to kneel down, but all I could do was stare and think about how bad it is that I don't get sad when we go to the cemetery. I don't know why when I go to bed I don't think about you or anything related to you, I don't know why its not on my mind when I wake up, or during the day. Mom said that it hits everyone at different times in their lives, and it only makes me feel bad that im the only one it hasn't hit that hard yet. I understand everything, that you wont be there for my graduation, wedding, kids, or anything like that. And who knows maybe that's when it will fully hit me, is at the next major event in my life.

The air show is this coming weekend. its going to be weird without you there, because for as long as I can remember I would always stick by your side when we went, ask you questions, and beg you to take me inside the planes or hangars or whatever it would've been, and even if pop and derek didn't want to you would take me because that's how much you cared. Even though it hasn't hit me all the way yet, it is weird without you here. Through all the laughing and the jokes when you were on the medications, I would do anything to have you back like that. most of the family blames pain management, except derek cause you know how he is, but im going to be honest with you I blame pain management and you. I know that pain management did **** up by giving you all the meds early and not checking up on you correctly and not paying attention, but as much as it sucks to say this you were alittle at fault too. You went to Florida once, not 4 times. And I read and heard about how when you're on meds like the fentanyl you can't really know your true pain level anymore until you stay off them for 6-8 weeks and unfortunately you could only do like 2 weeks. I think you're in a painfree place now, and I know that that's good, but I want you back here. I don't want to forget you, so I try to think about any recent memories I have of you to keep you alive in my mind, but I can't. The past year has been constant on and off of drugs and when you were off you weren't craig brown.

I hate how mom is in a rush to completely change our lives ever since this happened. Apparently its helpful to her because it keeps her busy, but I hate how she's so excited about moving and she's jumping on opportunities to box up your stuff or throw stuff away. I don't want to move. Im afraid that if we move all the memories I have here of you, the good memories, will slowly fade away from my head and eventually im going to forget everything about you which I really don't want because you were pretty much the closest person to me in my life.

I keep thinking about the home movie which is either at our house or pops, but in it is the video of me as a baby and you're holding me and shaking an easter egg and im shaking two in each of my hands. I really want to find this video because I think I would want to keep it because I think it really shows how our father and son relationship stayed the same throughout or lives. I also keep thinking about the last thing we said to each other the night you died. I was talking to mom about the baseball game and how I didn't want to go if you were on the meds, which it looked like was a pretty good forecast. Then you came in and hugged me and said repeat after me, "dad....I love you" and I said it and you said I love you too son and I went to my room. I look back at that now because I feel terrible because I wasn't saying it like I meant it. Of course I meant it, but when you were on drugs you werent you. I also feel terrible because that entire Thursday I ignored you, and even laughed at you at one point. I laughed because you had found those two drumsticks out of nowhere, and were playing them on everything. Also that night after we got back from dairy queen I looked up the 3D images on my phone with those glasses and showed mom, but when you asked to see it I said no with an attitude and that you were going to spill ice cream on it. I guess I shouldn't feel bad like I do, because I didn't know what was going to happen later, but I still shouldn't have done it.

I guess that's all I have for tonight.
Love and miss you Dad.


Any helpful comments or words of encouragement or anything are appreciated. I just wish I reacted like the rest of my family.
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  #2  
Old June 14th, 2011, 04:24
annrachel annrachel is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2011
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Default Hello

Hello abrown

Can I say what a beautiful journal, it reads with calmness and yet much emotion. You quite obviously loved your Dad very much and he you. Grief is complicated and it sounds to me as though you are experiencing it. You describe many emotions in your writing, regret, longing, love, shock, numbness, disbelief, to mention but a few and these are all signs of your grief.

Grieving is such a personal and highly individual experience. How we grieve depends on many things, including personality and coping style, your life experience, your faith... It takes time to process your situation, and you will find it happens gradually; it canít be forced or hurried Ė there is no set timetable or agenda. Whatever your experience, itís important to be patient with yourself and allow the process to naturally unfold. Just feel what you feel and accept it. Those around you, your Mum, your brother they will be experiencing their grief in their own way, hopefully in time you will be able to talk with them about your individual experiences, share your loss and support each other.

You have found a good place to come to at this time, a place where people understand what you are experiencing and hopefully some will come forward and also offer some support. Itís such a difficult experience, the lose of someone so dear to you, and your life has changed forever but with time, patience and support from others you will be able to navigate through this and continue to make your Dad proud.

Thoughts are with you
Ann-Rachel x
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  #3  
Old June 20th, 2011, 00:08
MGT MGT is offline
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Default

Hello and I'm very sorry for your loss. I also lost my dad two months ago. I have four brothers and each handles this differently. One is oblivious, one is angry, one has regressed into childhood, two have quit life. I'm one of the two. Me and my older brother have given up. We now go through the motions, but we dont live. My dad would always say, "it is what it is, you cant change the past".

It's obvious you love your dad. And it's possible you are still processing things. That's how it sounds. There's no schedule. Your journey is your own.

Best of luck to you. God Bless.
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