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  #1  
Old June 21st, 2016, 21:16
Sadgirl2016 Sadgirl2016 is offline
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Default My dad killed himself

Hi everyone, I'm new to the forum. I want to post more about my dad later on but for now I am just really struggling with what he did and what it was like for him.

He committed suicide by hanging himself. I'm in so much pain thinking about his pain. I have read it's a painful way to go and then I've read other accounts that it's not. I know no one can say for sure-anyone who did it and succeeded is not here to say! I just hate thinking he might've been in pain. Also of course i have guilt that I couldn't find him in time and stop him but will post about that later and the circumstances that led up to it. I just hate thinking about it constantly, i don't know what to do!
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  #2  
Old June 22nd, 2016, 17:31
hazelharris hazelharris is offline
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hi my friend i am so sorry about you dads passing and all you are having to cope with it's so very sad I have written 2 posts on suicide and i know by the pms i have received they have helped some people i will repost them on here with the hope you get to read them and they may help you. When a loved one takes their life it's unbearable the if onlys are far worse for families in your situation.You have to try and come to terms with the fact that suicide is an illness and it has nothing to do with the love he felt for you .Rational thought is impossible the mind gets flooded with negative and depressive thoughts that no amount of love can deter them to think differently.As my post says the mind is too bruised to be touched i pray you find some peace in your grief and find some comfort in your memories of him in the past when he was well of mind and spirit I embrace you with a hug to say i really care and am here if you need to talk xx
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  #3  
Old June 23rd, 2016, 13:14
Sadgirl2016 Sadgirl2016 is offline
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Hi Hazel, thank you for reposting I have read the posts. Is suicide always an illness? I always thought it was a reaction to life circumstances. i mean of course, not everyone kills themselves when things get tough, but also, if things weren't tough, the person probably wouldn't have killed themself either. So how can it always be an illness?

My dad had just had enough, I am very bitter about it, he had many children-he gave life to us all and then decided he didn't want to be here anymore and left us with it all, but it was circumstances of life that led to that (mostly because of my mother). But thank you for the support.

I just can't get out of my head the moments of death, was it painful, was it long and drawn out, did he change his mind at the last minute but couldn't do anything? All these questions are so unbearable, even worse than actually losing him.
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Old June 23rd, 2016, 17:52
hazelharris hazelharris is offline
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hi my friend thankyou for your reply suicide is considered and taken seriously now by many people especially in the fields of neurological science to be an illness.Many factors trigger this downward spiral like sufferers of depression caused by many different reasons,substance abuse,anorexia,bipolar,schizophrenia,and many more .Some people have the ability to cope with all these traumas but it has been proved in some people a chemical reaction occurs to their illness and causes the brain to be unable to cope that is when it takes over the mind and body and the uncontrolable desire to end their life it is illogical and beause we are in a right mind it is difficult for us to understand . You are beating yourself up with these thoughts,why? was it painful? did he change his mind ?no one can ever answer your questions and they will drive you mad trying to get answers .Try to accept his illness a dreadful one of the mind he has to be grieved over and his passing accepted just like any other. All we can ever do when we lose a loved one is remember they love us and therefore they don't want us on our knees grieving forever we have learn to be happy again and live on with all the memories of the good times and try to forget the pain of their passing x
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Old June 26th, 2016, 14:30
Sadgirl2016 Sadgirl2016 is offline
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Hi Hazel,

I will have to respectfully disagree with you that my father was mentally ill-I knew my dad, and he wasn't. Suicide is also a leading cause of death in young people (under 45s I think?) and although my dad was not in this age group, I cannot believe that so many young people are all mentally ill and that is why they committed suicide.

I am trying to come to terms with it, I am not against suicide per se, obviously I don't want anyone to do it, but I believe it is anyone's choice to end their life if they wish-but NOT if they have children like my dad did. You can't have kids and then decide you don't want to live in this world anymore and leave them in it, nope sorry. But I still know that my mother is at the root of this and caused him to do it.
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Old June 26th, 2016, 15:56
hazelharris hazelharris is offline
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hi sad girl i think you are misinterpritating mentally ill as if it's an insanity This is not the case. The term mentally ill is used to explain an illness of the mind with many many different types and causes some even hidden from loved ones who then cannot believe they were suffering inside so much, it's a terrible shock to realise their mind was being flooded with dark thoughts of ending their life. For many different reasons people can be bought to their knees with depression,illness, a way of life etc and when these dark thoughts take over the mind it then becomes an illness without help is uncontrolable .Of course there is always the exception but that is rare . .Would you blame someone suffering and dying from cancer they have no choice their body takes over the illness .Its really the same with suicide but instead of the body taking over the mind does, to us it doesn't sound logical but to them it does they have no choice .Talking to many survivors who have been lucky to be saved they have councelling not just for the reasons they got so low but to try and come to some understanding why they ever contemplated it in the first place they say their mind was alien to them no thoughts of consequences or loved ones ever came to front .I know how hard this must be for you please try and make your peace with your dad i know he was a good father because you mourn his loss and that comes from love I can't say to you forgive him because he passed to heaven caused by an illness but you can try to understand he never meant to hurt his loved ones he just needed peace xx
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Old June 26th, 2016, 20:52
Sadgirl2016 Sadgirl2016 is offline
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Ok well I will take your word for it, you obviously know more than me about the science of it.

Anyway, a bit more about my dad and the circumstances that led up to this. My dad was an incredibly hard working and wonderful guy. My parents had 7 (yes SEVEN!) children. My dad once confided in me that he didn't want the last 3 kids but trusted my mother every time that she was taking contraception and every time for the last 3 she lied. I was upset when he told me this, but understood. I was furious with my mother for lying, and believe (as do my siblings) that she has some sort of addiction to having babies because 1. she had so many 2. she completely disregarded my dad's wishes and he was the one who had to go out and work for us all and 3. she was a terrible mother and lost interest in us once we weren't babies anymore.

Whilst my dad worked incredibly hard, we were still a financially poor family. We were ostracized in our neighbourhood because my mother is not a nice person and we were made fun of because of how many of us there were. I once overheard someone in our street saying my parents "bred like rabbits" and people were always rolling their eyes when I said my mum was pregnant again. This hurt but I couldn't really disagree!

Anyway, my parents became less and less able to support my younger siblings-basically because my mother was spending all the money on herself! My dad confided in me that he was finding it harder to cope and wanted a divorce, but knew he might lose custody of my siblings. I know this was weighing heavily on his mind. I tried talking to my mother but that was pointless, she is possibly the most selfish person on the planet and i don't believe she ever loved my dad, making every single day of his life a misery. I don't know why I'm writing all this, who on earth would be interested, I just had to get it all out. i know my mother is the reason for all of this, I am trying so hard not to hate her before it destroys my life too.
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Old June 27th, 2016, 13:36
hazelharris hazelharris is offline
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hi thankyou for your reply As i don't know your parents i can only give you some words to think about .I always say being grown up is accepting your parents as people, we expect perfection from them when we are children but they all have some failings after all they are only human.Some are far better at parenting than others and hopefully we can see some good in the ones that didn't really make the grade and realise they probably did the best they could .Do you know yourself how traumatic carrying a baby and it's birth is? all the worry and concerns,the pain, probably money issues as well on top of it.Each time i have been through it i screamed blue murder and swore never to go through it again .Once gone through it you have to really want another child to go through all that again, so i don't think it was an addiction it must have been through love and perhaps in your mums case wanting to be needed as well .Perhaps she wasn't the best of mums because she wore herself down, i can't say but i know it's not easy perhaps her money spending was a way of release to keep sane To the issue of those cruel remarks it's the people who should have known better that have the problem there just sad cases all of them who would show such cruelty to a child.Words only affect you if you let them but to a child it's hard not to be hurt throw those feelings in the garbage where they bel ong and refuse to let them hurt you anymore they are not worth another thought .Being poor and coming from a big family is no shame in a lot of ways it's to be admired tough times create strong characters who are usually compassionate caring people see the positives instead of the negitives you have a large family when some people have no one .Happiness doesn't just exsist in rich families infact many of them arn't as happy as you think we all have problems. Rich or poor you create your own happiness so please don't value your life in what you had or didn't, be glad that for all her failings your mum is still here with you and forgive her . anger eats away at your soul forgiveness sets you free Hazel x
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Old June 27th, 2016, 18:30
Sadgirl2016 Sadgirl2016 is offline
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I don't expect my parents to be perfect-my dad wasn't perfect, but he was a good person, my mother isn't! Even doing what my dad did he was still 10 times the person my mother is. No I do not know how traumatic giving birth is, I don't mean to be rude but that is a persons choice whether to have a baby or not-no one forces a woman to. Being born is also very traumatic for the baby-that's why it comes out crying! But it doesn't have a choice in the matter.

I'm sorry but if you make your bed you have to lie in it, no one forces someone to have a child and all that entails, women do it because they want babies. There are some women out there who have 9 kids all in care-is that a good mother?! No! I don't see anything special about getting pregnant and having a kid if you can't look after it once it's born. If it wasn't for my dad we all probably would've ended up in care too.

No one was really cruel to us (not to our faces) it was just a running joke, I also think they felt sorry for us because of how many of us there were and what my mother was like. I will forgive her I will probably just have nothing to do with her, and I'm sure my siblings will do the same.
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