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  #1  
Old March 1st, 2012, 14:17
cal821 cal821 is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 472
Default What is keeping you stuck in your Grief?....

.. This could very well create a backlash from my posting... as this may be a very touchy subject here.


The main premise the post is to raise questions within yourself if you are struggling ....

No one should have to suffer for years needlessly... Some people maybe getting a payoff from the suffering.. punishing themselves with guilt or shame.. there has to be a reason to not moving towards acceptance of your world as it is........... not how you would like it to be..


I wish not to offend anyone .... By Raising Questions.... This post is not meant to be inflamitory in nature.... I just feel any loss is brutal no matter who you have lost ....it is unique unto you and your relationship with the person who died.. There is information out there and by raising questions about your pain and loss. You can figure things out for yourself instead of feeling powerless and paralyzed with fear.......


As Always.... I wish only to help.... We are all in the same boat here ...All trying to find meaning and purpose after our loss... The path is long and Arduous for all of us..



Feelings of Abandonment? Could these feelings be self imposed?

As Adults...... We are often surprised at the emotions which can threaten to overwhelm us following the death of a parent. After all, the reasoning, it is in the natural order of things that children will one day bury their parents. Why then the pain, the sense of confusion, the feeling of having been abandoned? This may well be because, buried in our subconscious, is the belief that our parents are immortal.

Losing a parent can create feelings of vulnerability. When our parent dies, there are many other feelings of loss. There may be the loss of a home, the sense of loss of our link with the past, even the loss of the expectation that someday our relationship might have changed.

There may be strong feelings of longing - a need to have a parent around ‘forever’ to share our future accomplishments and offer support in our times of need. There maybe regrets - of things said or not said e.g. if only I had said “I love you”.

Relationships which existed before the death can affect how we grieve and can result in mixed feelings. Because each of us is unique, we have a different relationship with each parent . This can cause problems when trying to deal with feelings that emerge for us. As we look back at our childhood, teenage years and adulthood, we may discover that there are unresolved issues which were never addressed.

Things to consider...

In order to let your parent go, you need to deal with any feelings that may arise, apportion blame (if necessary), and forgive your parent and yourself.

It is important for your well-being that you talk about how you feel with someone you trust. You are not being disloyal or detracting from your parent if you talk about hurts that may surface for you, nor will this diminish any relationship you had with that parent.



Other Aspects that may be in play...

If there has been role reversal - where you have acted as the carer of a parent - you might now experience feelings of relief and release. These feelings in turn, may cause anxiety, anger and guilt. You might try to stifle these feelings by attempting to continue the role of caretaker for the rest of the family. By clinging to this carer role, you may prevent yourself from dealing with your grief.

‘Grief’ feelings need to be acknowledged and accepted and, if at all possible, shared with someone you trust.

If there is a surviving parent, the feelings of responsibility for, and often the real needs of that parent, may prevent you from dealing with your own grief.

When the second parent dies, the sense of loss and feelings of abandonment may be particularly strong and you may become even more aware of your own mortality.
Sometimes the death of parents may cause the family to lose its focal point, siblings drift apart and no longer keep in touch. This may be experienced as another loss to be grieved.

Facing the pain and sorrow are a harsh reality for all of us... No one really wants to go through it because the pain is so intense and overwhelming.

Here might be some information to consider.... take a Look at how your grief can actually heal you from your loss:

Heartbreak is caused by the end of a relationship. It can also be caused when we fail to continue to get a relationship we fervently desire. When we lose our loved one...... after the shock sets in , it takes some time for reality to sink in. Then we experience a welter of feelings. We can be angry, sad, devastated, despairing, distraught, desperate, remorseful, regretful, ashamed, embarrassed. The emotional bombardment is overwhelming.

In the long term, we have a natural way of dealing with these feelings. We have an emotional mechanism that allows us to recover from losses and from pain. If we didn't have it, the whole world would be in mourning forever! Bereavement, parting and suffering are unavoidable parts of our life experience. The natural way we recover is by grieving.


In Grieving we gradually let go of our attachment to the people (or places or things or even possibilities) we have lost.

Of course, in the first shock of heartbreak it is not much comfort to be told that things will improve in time. We might not be ready for our feelings to improve-part of us might not even have accepted what has happened yet.

And even once we do accept it, it is possible to misunderstand grief. Grief happens one bit at a time. You feel bad for a while and then it stops. You feel fine, then you feel sad again, then the sadness stops. It is important to know that grief works like this, so that we are not frightened that it will carry on forever. It won't. It will stop.

But while it does happen, it is important to our recovery.

We experience only as much sadness as is necessary for our feelings to adjust as far as they can at any one time, then the feeling stops.

When we have become used to that amount of change and loss, the unconscious lets us feel a bit more, and so on, until we have fully absorbed the whole significance of the loss. By the same token, when grief does stop, there is no need to feel guilty that we didn't care enough.


Some people actually feel guilty about feeling all right so soon after a loss, and they have to understand that they are simply being well looked after by their unconscious mind.


The trouble with heartbreak, however, is that the natural process of grief does not always work properly. People can get stuck, repeating the same painful feelings over and over again..The pain must be released ... you cannot keep it locked up where it will fester and destroy from within... Some people may actually become used to feeling that misery.. afraid to let it go because they have become comfortable in their pain... afraid to move on and become paralyzed to try and help themselves

They need to try seek help if they feel can't do it alone... They can also try to read, research, try to find direction on their own... to start to heal from your loss. Everything in this life moves in cycles .. "We were never meant to be miserable for our entire lives"..


Life is unfortunately unfair for all of us who have lost.. But it does do one thing... and that is..... It keeps us moving forward not backwards... We only choose to move backwards by fighting the flow of life....



We may not like how things have turned out... but these horrible events push us to reinvest ... rebuild... and start again ... with a new knowledge and knowing that Life Makes us Grow up fast... When Someone or Something that we truly Love is Taken from Us...

I think we have all seen this before:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.




Thank you for reading this..........



I will wish you peace to your troubled heart and clarity of thought in the morass.

Cal821
__________________
Memory can only tell us what we were,
in the company of those we loved;
it cannot help us find what each of us, alone, must now become.
Yet no person is really alone;
those who live no more echo still within our thoughts and words,
and what they did has become woven into what we are.

I wish you peace and a level path on your journey...

Cal821

Last edited by cal821 : March 2nd, 2012 at 10:09.
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  #2  
Old March 26th, 2012, 03:13
gumek gumek is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 746
Default words of wisdom

Hello Cal just read "What is keeg stuck in grief". Very encouraging to me. It is still early days since Giuls went and I think that God is trying to show me areas in my soul that He wants to heal. I have asked Him to help me to fully accept that Giuls has gone from this realm, he is no longer in a physical body anymore. I asked for prayer for this and I am beginning to see more clearly.

One day the Lord showed me a picture of me, Jesus, and Giuls all holding hands in a row, I felt Him say to me these words, "you are in this realm, I Am also here with you, Giuliano is in this realm, I Am also here with him". That is how close our passed loved ones are, but no longer wrapped up in flesh or their bodies, we have to let go of that notion don't we?

I could chat about these things forever, but must move on, things to do, prob more tears later, but thats good cos a little bit more healing takes place
Thanks again for this.

Shalom

Chrissie.
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  #3  
Old September 29th, 2015, 09:32
cal821 cal821 is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 472
Default

bump up for a re read
__________________
Memory can only tell us what we were,
in the company of those we loved;
it cannot help us find what each of us, alone, must now become.
Yet no person is really alone;
those who live no more echo still within our thoughts and words,
and what they did has become woven into what we are.

I wish you peace and a level path on your journey...

Cal821
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  #4  
Old August 7th, 2016, 11:29
cal821 cal821 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 472
Default

bump up for a re-read
__________________
Memory can only tell us what we were,
in the company of those we loved;
it cannot help us find what each of us, alone, must now become.
Yet no person is really alone;
those who live no more echo still within our thoughts and words,
and what they did has become woven into what we are.

I wish you peace and a level path on your journey...

Cal821
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