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Old February 20th, 2012, 11:42
cal821 cal821 is offline
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Default Coping With A Broken Heart.. Working Your Way Back to Life

Plain and Simple advice for the Newly Beareaved........
Surrendering to Grief
In the beginning, when your grief is new and raw, and overwhelmingly painful and scary, it is important that you not mess with it.

You may tell yourself: "This is just too much to bear! I can't stand it!" As hard as it may be, however, you must experience the full impact of the loss. Let it wash over your soul at will. Follow it, cry when you want, yell at God, scream into your pillow. Don't suppress new grief, or avoid it, or try to change it.

It's your grief! Claim it. Experience it. Surrender to your grief. And don't let anyone take away your right to it.

Dealing with others at this horrible time..

Death makes people uncomfortable. They fear it. They understand why you are bereaved, but they have unrealistic expectations as to how you should grieve, and for how long. Why? Underneath, they are uncomfortable with your grief and want it to go away as soon as possible. That's why they attempt to comfort you and give you advice and encourage you to "get over it" and "get on with your life" as soon as possible.

Their discomfort and awkwardness with your situation can lead to some pretty severe "foot-in-mouth" disease.

They may even make some incredibly stupid and insensitive remarks like:

"They would want you to go on" (How do you know?)

"I understand how you feel" (You don't have a clue how I feel)

"God needed another angel" (Not as much as I needed them)

Try to understand that they mean well, but are acting out of fear and showing a profound ignorance of how a healthy grief process works. Just try to forgive these souls, and spend as little time with them as possible. Instead, surround yourself with true, stalwart friends, who will silently stand witness to your grief, and not attempt to manipulate it.


In the depths of your despair right now, you likely will not see the wisdom of the grief process. It's only later, in retrospect, that you'll realize how miraculously it swept you along toward a successful conclusion; providing just the right thing at just the time you needed it.

The message for you right now is this: trust the grief. As painful as this process is, grief is your friend and will guide you eventually and surely back to life.

You may feel like no one could ever feel the depth of the pain you feel right now. But the fact is that the vast majority of people experience serious grief at some time in their lives, and come through it without suffering permanent harm. But they (and you) cannot escape the powerful process that Dr. Sigmund Freud called the "work of mourning".


Am I going Crazy?

No, you're not going crazy. And you are also not alone in feeling like you are "losing it". When you think about the overwhelming loss you've experienced, it is indeed a miracle that you don't lose your sanity!

But there's a safety net built into the wondrous grief cycle that somehow keeps you safe in the storm. You will survive this, sanity intact, and eventually go on to reclaim your life and some degree of joy, despite your loss.

There are many ways in which grief can touch you-- physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. It's an all-encompassing thing, you know? You need to understand that there are a wide range of "grief symptoms", and you may wonder what is "normal" and what is not. Rest assured that almost ANY symptom you might have, although it would be considered alarming otherwise, is perfectly normal during grieving.

Coping Strategies...

Be gentle with yourself-- and patient. It takes a long time to heal. Some days will be better than others.

Take care of your body-- You'll need it later. Eat healthy, even though you might find it hard to even eat right now. Get some stress vitamins and take one every day. Get some exercise. You don't have to get crazy with this. Just make yourself get out in the fresh air for a brisk walk or jog every day or two.

Be selfish-- demand the right to grieve in your own way. It is not their bereavement, it's yours. You have nothing to offer other people right now anyway. Focus on yourself and your needs. Surround yourself with supportive loved ones.

Cling to hope-- Things will get better, honest. Don't tell yourself "It's going to be alright". Instead, tell yourself "I will survive".

Trust the grief-- It's your best friend right now. Go where it leads you.

Don't duck the system-- It may be tempting to numb the pain of grief with alcohol or drugs, even prescription drugs. But everything will have to be faced and experienced sooner or later. Sooner is much better.

Look for the gifts-- They may be tiny, but they are life-sustaining, and they are there.



How long does it take for grieving to end?

As your read this, your loss may still be fresh, raw and excruciating. You may find it hard to believe you can ever recover or heal from this horrible thing. It will take a long time, there's no way around that. But in the back of your mind you must keep the thought this will oneday end and "There are brighter days ahead".

The grief is a very personal and individual thing. Your unique relationship with your loved one, and the manner in which they died will dictate the length and depth of your own "roller coaster ride". Unfortunately there is no healthy way to shorten the process; there are no short cuts to the resolution of grief. You must let it run it's course.

There is also no "normal" amount of time for mourning. Some people adjust to a new life in a matter of months. Others take a year or more, or up to 2 years or longer to complete their grieving. Most take a year or two. The best length of time for you? Take Whatever you need.

Even after you are "done", you may experience grief feelings from time to time, especially during special dates and anniversaries, or during holidays.

Expect it.

The end of grief does not mean that you forget your beloved, or cease to love them. When you experience a tragic loss, it breaks your heart.

Can you mend your broken heart? Yes.
Does this mean that you are dishonoring your loved one? No.
Will you ever forget them? No.
Will they always have a place in your heart? Yes.


" My Final thoughts on the process"

The grieving process creates change in your life and in yourself that allows you to gradually relinquish your need for the lost one. Grief helps you come to terms with this, and to refocus your energies toward the future. Grief is not about "returning to normal". You will never be the same as you were. Grief is about finding a new life order for yourself.

As hard as you may find this to believe right now, the pain will eventually ease up and allow you to reinvent your life and your identity. You will reinvest in life and find yourself planning for the future with some degree of joy in being alive. You will begin to sense some new beginnings; experience a new dawning of life that slowly replaces the previous despair and desolation and darkness... This is the cycle in life........ there is always a rebuilding process after a deep devastation..


I wish you Peace
Cal821
__________________
Memory can only tell us what we were,
in the company of those we loved;
it cannot help us find what each of us, alone, must now become.
Yet no person is really alone;
those who live no more echo still within our thoughts and words,
and what they did has become woven into what we are.

I wish you peace and a level path on your journey...

Cal821

Last edited by cal821 : April 9th, 2012 at 14:41.
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  #2  
Old February 23rd, 2012, 12:56
Angel1 Angel1 is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2012
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The advice given is so true, my mum died in April, and it still seems like yesterday, some days I'm ok, somedays, I'm a total mess. Ive been going threw a deep depression for some time, my doctor has put me on anti depressants, and I am having counselling. so I'm hoping they will help. I never knew how painful this would be, yes I miss my mum so much, I go to the town and I still picture her their with her shopping bags. That is the most painfull. The fact that her life is gone from here , is very heartbreaking. I know she is now in heaven, and that she is safe, but it still hurts. I think the cemetery side of it is the worst, i know its a fact of life, and everyone has to be buried or cremated, but it's quite shocking to see a once living person , put in the ground. I have a faith and I know your spirit leaves when you die, so that gives me comfort. I do find it all hard to accept, life is short, everyday is important, thats what this has taught me. I know I have to look on he positive side of all this as much as it seems impossible, she is free, out of pain, in heaven. I will see her again, she loves me very much, and my memorys of her from her life on earth will always be remembered and cherished.
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  #3  
Old February 23rd, 2012, 13:18
cal821 cal821 is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 477
Default Thank you ANGEL1

I'm glad that some of my advice is able to give you some direction or hope.

I wish you peace in your suffering and please know it is your positive attitude is what will get you through this pain and suffering.

Cal821
__________________
Memory can only tell us what we were,
in the company of those we loved;
it cannot help us find what each of us, alone, must now become.
Yet no person is really alone;
those who live no more echo still within our thoughts and words,
and what they did has become woven into what we are.

I wish you peace and a level path on your journey...

Cal821
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  #4  
Old October 3rd, 2016, 10:37
cal821 cal821 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 477
Smile

re-post for a re-read
__________________
Memory can only tell us what we were,
in the company of those we loved;
it cannot help us find what each of us, alone, must now become.
Yet no person is really alone;
those who live no more echo still within our thoughts and words,
and what they did has become woven into what we are.

I wish you peace and a level path on your journey...

Cal821
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