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  #11  
Old July 21st, 2011, 17:34
Hayley Hayley is offline
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Default Thank you all but please answer this.

Hi there
Just at my most crucial point of needing you all I got disconnected from any Internet! A strange experience today,we are so dependent upon this now!!!

Well it is now 3 weeks. The tears have dried up somewhat and I have now taken to speaking to a crystal!!!! Am I losing it?

It has helped me so it must be ok. I went to see a lady who I know that sells crystals the other day. She was a great comfort but I cried in her shop for.....it must have been over an hour!! God bless her for putting up with me. I poured out my heart and the guilt which she literally told me she was throwing out of the door that minute. She stopped my guilt. I told her about my Mum and her love of everything purple and butterflies. I also told her about my need to buy some lavender and that since mum died I would stroke every lavender bush and inhale the scent.

She told me that Mum would give me a sign that everything was fine. 20 mins later a lady burst into her shop full of joy and thanked her for everything and has a gift inside a purple striped bag with beads just lime the "too cute" thing mum adored. inside the bag she had Butterfly Lavender! The lady "Shiela" turned to me eyes glazed with tears and said "well that was quick! I'm sorry but I can't accept the gift as it is for Hayley from her Mother, would you mind if I passed it to her?" The other lady was delighted and we felt such a lift of happiness in that moment.

Is it bad to think that this really was a sign? I do believe that it was or am I becoming too spiritually aware here?

My garden is full of butterflies!


Love and Light to you all

Hayley who might be turning into a mad woman!
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  #12  
Old July 22nd, 2011, 11:26
Hayley Hayley is offline
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Hi Sean

I am so sorry about your Mum! I hope you are feeling stronger each day too! I did see Mum to kiss her and say good bye but it made me feel empty.

I know had I not gone I would have wondered but.......it wasnt her, I felt that I was looking at an empty shell, I didnt feel her in the room. Everything was empty, me and my Mum.

I did however cry so who knows? Good? Bad?

I don't know.

I am feeling stronger. I have stopped crying but then I feel bad.

I keep thinking ......Oh! Mums dead!!!! I am never seeing her again! This is so final.

Its like a bad dream

Love and light H x
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  #13  
Old July 22nd, 2011, 13:19
tom-fisherman tom-fisherman is offline
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Shalom in Yeshua Hayley, thank you for your post it really made me smile.
You are not going mad by talking to a crystal. We often talk to objects, well I know I do. I have been known to shout at the television, and tools for being blunt etc. So if your going mad then I must be already!!

It is not bad to experience a sign like the lavender and butterflies. When my grandmother died the family gathered one Saturday afternoon. After the initial greetings the room fell silent as we all thought about her. After a while one of her sons stood up and went over to an ordinary plant in the room and sniffed it. He looked puzzled. His sister said 'did you smell that too'?
Everyone in the room had smelt the beautiful aroma of roses but didn't realise that there where no roses in the room, or house for that matter. Roses were her favourite flower, and that lifted everyone spirits. Believe that your mum was trying to lift yours!!

May God bless you
Tom
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  #14  
Old July 22nd, 2011, 13:56
Hayley Hayley is offline
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Oh Tom! You really are quite fantastic!! Your posts are beautiful and uplifting. (on my thread and others)You really are a wonderful human. You know the answer every time I am searching still you have found your path, I hope I will find my way soon.

Thank you so much

Love and light H x
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  #15  
Old July 23rd, 2011, 05:46
Hayley Hayley is offline
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Default Someone Help me

i'm not ok! I am crying again. She has gone. The tears are back.

h x
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  #16  
Old July 23rd, 2011, 17:02
Hayley Hayley is offline
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It's ok! I'm back from the brink! Ready to help others again! This is some journey and I have a hunch it will keep surprising me at inopportune moments. Today was me simply working at the computer and I suddenly felt overwhelmed with grief.

I finished work quickly and arranged to go out with the children crabbing with sister in law and my nieces. A lovely day.

I am a bit worried about Dad. He is finding it hard. He is 83 but you would never believe it! He was a cradle snatcher back in the day as Mum was only 65 when she went!! Who would have thought he would have survived her. That was not in their plan. So Dad has lost his life so to speak. Married for 48 years he said he is now half a person.

I can't talk to Dad about his future as he says it is too soon. He will not enter any conversations about it. But the hard thing is we need to take a look at the future as the house has to be sold as the mortgage will not continue as it was solely in Mums name as he signed everything over to her!!!!! Sadly the amount of mortgage is too great for us to be able to get another mortgage for him. Oh it's so sad! Poor Dad. Lost his wife and possibly his house.

I have offered for him to live with us, I said don't be scared it is just an offer and a security blanket should the loneliness get too much. I have to be very careful as he is a stubborn man. If I approach it in the wrong manner he will not co operate so I have to be so gentle.

It is quite frustrating as I am naturally a pro active person, always the person saying right let's get this done NOW. I like to tie up things quickly and move on, so I suppose this is learning curve going at Dads pace. I must be patient!!!!

Any advice on this would be appreciated.

I want Dad to have a full happy life. That would be a small consolation for the loss of Mum.

H x
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  #17  
Old July 24th, 2011, 04:47
tom-fisherman tom-fisherman is offline
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Shalom in Yeshua Hayley, thank you for your comments.

It sound very much that your dad is in denial. He needs to be comforted and you can do this 'quietly' by seeing him every day if you can. Try and engage him in conversation, not about him and his needs or future, but about you. Don't forget he is still your dad and he still loves you. He will do anything for you so by him comforting you, he will become active again.

When you see improved signs in him try and get him to tell you stories about his life with your mum. Slowly but surely he will open up and feel better, and you will too. Then you can sort out his personal affairs.

I will pray for you both at his evenings prayers.

May God bless you both
Tom
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  #18  
Old July 24th, 2011, 17:53
Hayley Hayley is offline
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Hi Tom

Dad has agreed to come at the weekend to stay at the sea with me.

I did what you said and let him know how I was feeling rather than saying all is well, I told him that I have moments of overwhelming grief all of the time.
Strangely I think he liked that as it normalised his feelings.

So today was a relatively good day had a rush of sadness and was overwhelmed whilst washing up!!! What am I like? The strangest timings to my mind wondering and me thinking about Mum, not in a happy frame of mind but the whole finality of it all. But I stopped myself and said "NO" this is not how it is.

I keep dishing out pearls of wisdom to everyone and then ignore these pearls for me. It's so much easier to clean up everyone else's heads but not mine!!! I am so annoying, PRACTISE WHAT YOU PREACH GIRL!!!

H x
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  #19  
Old July 25th, 2011, 11:38
tom-fisherman tom-fisherman is offline
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Shalom in Yeshua Hayley, I am delighted you are having you dad over the weekend. I am sure it will do you both the world of good.

I went to the funeral of a friend of mine this morning and the priest gave a very nice homily. He said that those who have no belief must be devastated when a loved one dies, because it is like burning a candle to the end, and then there is nothing left. But for believers we know that its not the end only the start of a new beginning.

We all go into Sheol. Everyone. Even those who don't believe. It matters not. What does matter is that we realise our errors and accept purification. Then they wait for there loved ones to come and join them, in peace love and harmony.

Its only been days since you lost your mum. The waves of emotions you have are normal and shows that you cared and loved her so much. These will subside over a period of time. Keep strong and keep your faith and be comforted in the knowledge that you WILL see her again!!

May God bless you
Tom
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  #20  
Old July 25th, 2011, 15:29
Hayley Hayley is offline
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Hi Tom

I think I believe. I'm not entirely sure. I would like to believe. I don't think I believe in a book so to speak as I feel this has come from man. Could you explain more to me. I do believe in there being a spirit, especially after seeing Mum, her corpse was empty, the room was empty. But at Dads house it wasn't. I felt one night that Mum was cross as I had stripped her bed and left it in a mess and then took Dad out and we didn't return til late and when we did get in it was like she was cross!! I could feel it. The washing had been thrown around the garden, her bed sheets, it wasn't windy, it wasn't done by someone as it is a private garden. The face flannel I used that morning I had left to dry on the sink had been thrown off her sink to the other side of the room, she was upset. I apologised and the mood cleared. Does that seem mad?

Maybe it was just me. I just felt I could feel her for the few days I was there in the house. The night before the funeral I laid in her bed that she died and I didn't sleep all night I just laid there as I felt it was our night together for the last time. Oh I don't know what I'm saying.

Tom, I have been searching for something, but I don't know what. I know this would give me peace as I have had a fear of death since I was 9 years old.

When my grandmother died, I didn't really feel sad, I couldn't understand what was going on. I over heard my parents talking about how they could find the money for the funeral and I had a brainwave! "why don't we bury her under our apple tree?" I wasn't joking, totally serious. Mum turned to me and said"we'll bury you under the apple tree!!!" I was horrified as it was then that I realised I was going to die. Before I had no idea!!! So from that moment I have feared death and now I am 41 the feeling is becoming stronger.

For the past few years I have thought about death everyday. Can't stop thinking about me not being here and my children being on there own. Now or the future. It has tormented me. Now Mum dying could possibly have changed the dynamics of this as now the death is about her and not me and maybe, it's early days and I can't be sure maybe she has made it safe? I dont know, you see the fear isn't of the suffering or the actual act of dying it is afterwards so maybe you can help with a whole load of issues here.

I hope you aren't thinking oh dear we've got a nutter here!!! She's really off the rector scale! But if I can sort my head out from this dilemma then I think that everything could change in my life.

Am I making any sense? Or am a babbling fool?

Love and light

H x
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