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  #1  
Old July 17th, 2013, 15:04
Helpheartsheal Helpheartsheal is offline
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Default Scattering my Dads ashes

Hi everyone. I really really need help with this matter...I will try to cut the story short as it is a bit long winded.
Basically my Dad passed away 3 years ago in August...I never really saw or spoke to his side of the family, and only really saw them at funerals. When he died it was very much my nans son, never mine (and my brothers) dad. It was more about her than it was about my dad, which upset me and my brother.
After a year my auntie text me and said she wanted to scatter my dads ashes, but at the time me and my brother were not ready to do it. We hadn't grieved enough to finally let go.
She decided to text me on fathers day of this year of all days, to tell me that we are going to scatter my dads ashes before the end of the summer, at the other end of the country! There is no possible way I can do this...I work 2 jobs and I am going back to university, I cannot get time off or afford to travel nearly 400 miles. so I told her this....and it has caused a lot of friction.
All she kept saying was "it needs to be done for your dad", "if it doesn't get done now it never will"....but it has been 3 years...another few months wont hurt.
I just don't know what to do....she cant just tell me when and where we are doing it, it was my dad...surely it should be a discussion between all of us?
has anyone else ever had these kind of problems when it comes to scattering a loved ones ashes?
I really need help...I just don't know what to do.
Thank you xx
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  #2  
Old July 18th, 2013, 14:32
kaza kaza is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Helpheartsheal View Post
Hi everyone. I really really need help with this matter...I will try to cut the story short as it is a bit long winded.
Basically my Dad passed away 3 years ago in August...I never really saw or spoke to his side of the family, and only really saw them at funerals. When he died it was very much my nans son, never mine (and my brothers) dad. It was more about her than it was about my dad, which upset me and my brother.
After a year my auntie text me and said she wanted to scatter my dads ashes, but at the time me and my brother were not ready to do it. We hadn't grieved enough to finally let go.
She decided to text me on fathers day of this year of all days, to tell me that we are going to scatter my dads ashes before the end of the summer, at the other end of the country! There is no possible way I can do this...I work 2 jobs and I am going back to university, I cannot get time off or afford to travel nearly 400 miles. so I told her this....and it has caused a lot of friction.
All she kept saying was "it needs to be done for your dad", "if it doesn't get done now it never will"....but it has been 3 years...another few months wont hurt.
I just don't know what to do....she cant just tell me when and where we are doing it, it was my dad...surely it should be a discussion between all of us?
has anyone else ever had these kind of problems when it comes to scattering a loved ones ashes?
I really need help...I just don't know what to do.
Thank you xx
I live in Newcastle, whereabouts are you.
I have had the same sort of issues with my late husbands family, believe me it is your decision what you do with the ashes, like you say he is your dad.

You do what you feel is right for you.

Karen
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  #3  
Old July 18th, 2013, 17:56
j's daughter j's daughter is offline
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I didn't have my parents cremated (their wishes), and in any event, I was the only one left to make such decisions.

First, I think if at all possible, it should be family consensus. If it isn't possible for everyone to agree on where and when, then on an emotional basis, I agree with Karen. It should be the children who have first say, then anyone else in the family second. If you are not ready yet, then it should be your decision.

It depends, too, on the legal situation where you are, Helpheartsheal. Do you have legal say as to what happens to your Dad's ashes? Who has possession of the ashes now? If you do, then your in a better position. I agree if it has been 3 years, and you are not yet ready to let go, then another few months ... or another year ... or whatever you need, won't matter. And Father's Day is not the day to make such decisions.

What does your brother feel? Is there anyone in the family supporting you?
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  #4  
Old July 21st, 2013, 13:53
Helpheartsheal Helpheartsheal is offline
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I just don't know how to go about it. My Nan has my dads ashes, they live at the other end of the country to me. I don't see that side of the family, or speak to them and never really have.
We just aren't ready to do it, we cant do it on such short notice like that and it has just really knocked me back a few steps to be honest.
any advice on how to approach it with my aunt? She thinks she is entitled to make all the decisions, but obviously me and my brother need to have a say in it.
I don't want to be bitter about it and start getting the law involved, but I do need to sort it out.
Thank you guys x
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  #5  
Old July 22nd, 2013, 09:31
Whitehorse81 Whitehorse81 is offline
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Karen: I had my husband cremated. I buried his ashes myself in a private cemetery with family and close friends in attendance. My husbands daughter (my stepdaughter) was there. I asked her if she would like one cup of his ashes to spread or do whatever she wished to do with them. I scooped up one cup and put it in a baggy and handed to her in front of everyone. She thanked me for the ashes. Maybe your aunt could mail you some of your dad's ashes for you to do whatever you wish. Have your own ceremony. Bury them or spread them. Your choice. I know my husband would have wanted me to do this.

Jacquie
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  #6  
Old July 22nd, 2013, 10:10
j's daughter j's daughter is offline
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I like this solution, Jacquie. We are and we have part of everyone we've loved and lost. We can never have another person's total spirit only our memories of that person. We share those memories with everyone else who knew the person.

Helpheartsheal, this might be an idea in your situation. Then both sides of the family can have their memories, their share of Dad.

You and your brother might gently suggest this to your aunt and whoever is supporting your aunt: there are more than her feelings to be considered. If Dad's ashes are to be scattered, why not leave it to each person who has an interest to determine where and when to scatter (or hold) a portion of the ashes, the same as each person holds his or her own memories?

I might do it as Jacquie did: make your suggestion in front of as many people as possible, so your aunt realizes there are others to be considered, and she is gently "forced" to do the right and compassionate thing by you and your brother.

Could you do this, do you think?
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  #7  
Old July 22nd, 2013, 10:29
Helpheartsheal Helpheartsheal is offline
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Unfortunatly I have already thought of this... I mentioned this to my aunt quite a while back and again on fathers day, and asked if we could have some ashes so that me and my brother could do something when and where we wanted.
However she decided she wasn't happy with that...and that she didn't want to split up my dads body :S she said it would be weird as I would only have part of him and they would have part of him.
Shes just so awkward.
I think maybe I have no options left
Its so hard! x
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  #8  
Old July 22nd, 2013, 18:22
j's daughter j's daughter is offline
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This is heartbreaking. And especially so if a family member won't consider the feelings of the sons of the person who is gone. Your aunt, I gather, has legal authority to make the sole decision about this? Did your Dad appoint her decision-maker / executor of his estate? Are you legally excluded from any say?

All I see is an ugly family rift if you openly challenge your aunt's timing of things, if you let other family know there is an issue, or else you and your brother for a very long time feeling bitter at being forced into someone else's timeframe for things before you are ready.

This is so sad. In your place, I would, I think, stand my ground. If your aunt goes ahead with her timing of things, and you and your brother are not there because you are not ready to be there, will other family not at least wonder at your aunt's actions? Is there not one family member you can have a quiet word with, someone who might have some influence over your aunt?

Or, if her decision is to not divide the ashes, can she not be persuaded to hand them over to you and your brother for safekeeping, until you are ready to let go? Families can be so unfeeling sometimes. I truly don't understand what difference a few more months or even a year would make to your aunt, and don't understand why she holds your feelings in so little regard.

I am so sorry you are going through this. What can you live with long-term? What will you have least regrets with?
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  #9  
Old July 23rd, 2013, 09:39
Helpheartsheal Helpheartsheal is offline
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Its only my aunt and her kids on my dads side of the family... so I cant speak to anyone else.
I don't know about the legal side of things...my dad died suddenly so had no will or anything.
I have text her some more and told her that we aren't happy and we want some of the ashes so I am just waiting for a response.
Also waiting to hear what her plans are for scattering my dads ashes...im wondering if it was just a fleeting comment? maybe she said it in haste and doesn't mind when we do it.
I hope so anyway.
Thank you for your help
xx
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  #10  
Old July 24th, 2013, 09:58
Whitehorse81 Whitehorse81 is offline
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Karen: In most states the ashes would go to the spouse first, kids second, other relatives third. Not sure what your state laws read. Now, you have sent a message to your aunt with your requests, so that means something has changed, legally. Your aunt needs to respond to your wishes either good or bad, and then if you do not like the response, you will have to retain a lawyer. Did your aunt pay for your dad's cremation? Just wondering how she ended up with the ashes. The crematory/funeral home could/should have mailed them to you if you did not live close. You could ask for a copy of the cremation contract that was signed when your dad passed. See what it says about "next of kin"....this is where your lawyer would start. Sounds like somebody didn't do their job.

So sorry you are facing this.

Jacquie
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