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  #1  
Old December 7th, 2011, 08:32
Sharona41 Sharona41 is offline
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Default Estranged mum died and mixed feelings on not making my peace when I knew it would be too late...

Hi

I did not think I would grieve the death of my mother, but I find myself choked with tears and remembering my childhood.

We were never close but she was always there through the death of my own two sons who died at birth.

My problem was with my father, you see, my parents and my son had a good relationship and bonded at his birth and through the years, but....when I had my daughter, I remembered something very very wrong that my father did to me as a child and I refused to let him near her. (he had admitted when I was 20 when I told him I knew that he did something very wrong). Anyway, when my daughter was 3, I told my mother what had happened to me as a child and she refused to believe me and turned both sides of the family against me. From that day, 6 years ago, I refused to have anything to do with her (although she never bothered to contact me either) I telephoned her sister who told me that they were all dissapointed with me for saying such a thing about my father and not to contact them again. My son however, kept his relationship with my parents behind my back and has now grown up and left home.

My ex husband (even though he knew more than anyone in the world how I felt about my parents) kept in touch with them. My ex husband let me know a few years ago that my mother was in a coma (I live in another town and nobody knew why I was estranged from my parents and colleagues told me I should go and make my peace with her) I called the hospital and to see how she was and she eventually recovered and went home to her life.

A few months ago my son phoned me and told me he had someone with him who wanted to speak to me...it was my mother, she told me that she had inoperable breast cancer...I had no feelings...I told her to give the phone back to my son.

I had a few calls from my ex husband telling me to go and see her 'on her deathbed'. I refused. I felt that the consequences of her taking my father's side and turning the family against me when it was 'I who was the victim' were that she made her bed.....and she was to die in it. I hate myself for thinking that way, but could not bring myself to forgive her for taking his side, not only that but not asking any questions. I was the one who had to live with what he did when I was a child, I wanted to protect my own daughter from him and she should have protected me as my mother.

Eventually I got the call from my ex husband that my mother had 'passed away'.

I went to the funeral and family were not at all friendly with me at first. I felt like the black sheep. I walked to the front of the church and held my head up high. Eventually throughout the day..my father attempted to talk to me but I answered yes and no in the right places. Family did not bring up 'the subject' but welcomed me to their table. (after my ex husband and his new family had left) I did nothing wrong but my ex told me that I had broken my mother's heart on her deathbed and I had no right to be part of the family. See, even family thought he was a good man for being there for her and he would not speak to me (because his partner hates me but she went to the funeral even after I had asked my ex not to take her), this is when he told me she had more right to be there than me as I was not 'family' anymore. My daughter was in the house at the time when I had that telephone conversation with her dad and I broke down and sobbed, I lost control of my emotion. I had never felt such pain in my heart since I had lost my sons.

It is now....6 weeks on and Christmas coming up that I feel sad and wish I could have spoken to my mother but she refused to believe me and had not attempted to want an explanation.

I am remembering good Christmas times and happy family life as a child. I have been talking a lot to my 11 year old daughter about my happy times as a child. My daughter is sad that she was never allowed to know her grandparents. I had to explain in a way that an 11yr old would understand and she accepts that I was protecting her.

If she had not died....nothing would have changed...I would be looking forward to spending Christmas with my daughter at my son's house and not thinking about my mother. The Christmas songs from the 70's when I was a child make me feel and remember happy times at Christmas as a child.

There is nothing I can do, I cannot speak to my mother ever again. The choice was given to me and I did not take it, the choice has now been taken away from me.

I went to a Spritualist before she died, with a group of people..I did not give any information but the Spiritualist looked at me and said that my mother was on the earth plane and that I should put everything behind me and move on and that my mother loves me.

Maybe I am not so heartless after all because I am grieving when I told myself I would not.

I have not told anyone any of this.

I feel a weight lifted now I have offloaded.

Thankyou if anyone is reading this and apologise for waffling and hope it made sense.

Sharon x
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  #2  
Old December 7th, 2011, 10:21
cljm cljm is offline
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Sharon,

I am sorry and saddened for your loss, no matter how it came about.

In our humaness we have anger----we have human frailties in our human nature. Sometimes, we make the choice to walk away from those who have hurt us--- we distance oursleves in hopes that by doing so, we will no longer feel the hurt. In your case, with your Mother, you chose to walk away because of the hurt you felt in her not believeing you---or even to a point of helping and supporting you with what you believed. You made that choice---and just as she had to live and "die in it", as you say, you also had to live with it. She may not have been able to deal with what happened with you---and she may not have been able to reach out to you in support. She may have suffered greatly because, for whatever reason, she was not able to protect you.

When your Mother passed away, that "choice" came back to you----and the realization that the choice could never be changed or corrected. It is then that the regretfullness came upon you---the focus of not so much for your Mother not supporting you, but regret that you and she were not able to reconcile. That is our human nature Sharon, of not being able or willing to forgive...the feeling of such a great injustice done against us, and sometimes that is not recognized until after a passing has taken place. It is then that the full force of our choices comes back to us. In that, we cry out not only for the past but for our future as well. The tears of regret for things not done, or things done that shouldn't have been.

What you can do now...is talk to your Mom... Tell her all the things you are feeling. Relive that past estrangement to her and all that you are feeling now. In my belief, your Mother will know what you speak of and she will hear you, and she will help you come to terms with it. Through your talks, you may find you are able to forgive her---and, at the same time, also forgive yourself. A time for the two of you to reconcile that which was not possible before.
You can find that forgiveness with each other.


Come back to write again----let your thoughts speak as they will---it can be a healing for you. Be good to yourself....
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  #3  
Old December 14th, 2011, 05:29
jet jet is offline
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Dear sharona

I too lost my mum due to inoperable breast cancer six weeks ago. Our relationship was always like a car hurtling down an unmade road at 100mph it was inevitable one day the car would crash. When my Uncle died three years ago our rollercoaster relationship got completely out of control. Mum started pushing me away even more than she had before.

The three last months of my Uncle's life were hell on earth. Each time I went round to her house she'd yell at me. She wouldn't let my husband near, at one pint she accused him of having killed my Uncle (my uncle actually had terminal cancer). I gave her the benfit of the doubt because she was grieving, But then she tried to manipulate my Uncle by turning him against me. She got him to change his will and then claimed it was my fault he had done that because I was a selfish person who loved nobody but myself. Fortunately she didn't succeed completely and my Uncle left me some of his legacy, she made sure that once he was gone she took over everything.

After his death Mum wanted control. She wanted half of the rent from the house my Uncle had left me - to cover the cost of the house he had left her. When I refused she started sending me hate mail. Then she'd trun on my doorstep weeks after like nothing had happened. After two year s I couldn't take it any more. I cut off all contact. Finally after the last hate mail event in January I was beginning to think maybe I could get my life back together. I had my husband and my two children ( I too have a daughter around the same age as yours)



Then the day after my birthday, in the second week of september I got a phone call from our cousin who said my mum had been in a car crash.

The following six weeks were like a rollercoaster. I wasn't down as next of kin and so the only information I could get was through our cousin. Eventuallt we discovered it was breast cancer which had spread to the brain. Ten days after that she was dead.

I was left with so much emotion. I feel so much pain. In the end I feel I didn't even know her. The funeral was like about this strange woman who her friends felt priveleged to know.

I feel so confused. I've lost my mother, but I didn't ever really have a mother. I don't know which happy memories are even real.

Somehow happiness makes me feel worse? How about you? I guess we just have to work through this.
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  #4  
Old December 14th, 2011, 06:17
cljm cljm is offline
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jet,

Why oh why, we ask ourselves---why are some relationships the way they are---and why can't we fix them? Human frailities--- human frailties get in the way. There are just some questions that may never be answered---yet, we are left to live with them. We can try to make things different, but sometimes they just are the way they are and no matter what we do, or wish was different, we can't change things. We have to "accept". The "serenity" poem comes to mind: serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

The story of your mum is a sad one---one can feel your emotions in your words. Sometimes we do have to make the choice to walk away---for our our self preservation. But even then, we suffer for that choice too. Again, no real answer. As you say, one must work through it.
We have to turn our life's baggage into designer luggage !

I hope that over time some good memories will come to you---ones that will take hold and comfort you---not only for what was, but for what wasn't.

I hope you find your happiness---in yourself, your husband, your children, and in all that surrounds you.

"For every Joy that passes, something Beautiful remains"
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  #5  
Old December 17th, 2011, 16:45
Sharona41 Sharona41 is offline
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Dear Jet

Your story has really moved me. What a horrid relationship you had with your mother. Mine was ok really until she decided to stay with her paedophile husband and chose him over her own daughter.

I felt the same as you did then at the funeral. All those people who had a good relationship with her. Even my ex husband's family and his partner who hates me. That was so uncomfortable for me to be there with someone who regards me as their enemy. It was MY mother's funeral and I hate the fact that she was there. She disgusted me that day as did my ex husband for making me feel that I had no right to be there?????? Makes me want to scream and shout at them but I will refrain from that and keep quiet and keep my dignity.

She had been a stranger to me for a lot of years and it was like I was at a stranger's funeral.

I am so sorry for the way your mother treated you xxxx
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  #6  
Old December 19th, 2011, 09:49
tom-fisherman tom-fisherman is offline
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Shalom in Yeshua Sharona41 and Jet, Thank you both for sharing your feelings about your mothers. The message I want to give both of you is not to be hard on yourselves.

Sometimes the only option we have it is to walk away. By walking away from the trouble we although hurt by the events, soon come to terms with the situation and move on. Had you stayed 'in there' your emotions, feelings and relationship would have suffered and you would be different to the women you are now.

Now following their deaths the emotions have returned together with the what if this or what if that had happened or bee different. Do not dwell on these. What I have suggested to others is that you make some private time for yourselves. Recall the issues you had with your mothers and ask them why they did what they did, and tell them how it made you feel. You see they can hear you while they are in Sheol, and they will experience the pain you felt. Then for your own well being tell them that you forgive them and hope they find peace.

I will include you and your families in my prayers this evening.
May God bless you
Tom
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