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  #1  
Old February 24th, 2012, 19:23
cal821 cal821 is offline
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Default Understanding the Process..It actually goes further than the 5 stages of Grief

In many posts long before mine ...many here have discussed the 5 stages of Grief that they say we could encounter. Grief being the unpredictable thing it is has No time frame .. No Predictable Reasoning... or is Neat or Tidy..

It has been debated by many there are actually 5 stages:
I have my own thoughts on the 5 stage Process of
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance could be indeed part of the process,

but there is another part that only begins with Acceptance: TEAR

T = To accept the reality of the loss
E = Experience the pain of the loss
A = Adjust to the new environment without the loved one
R = Reinvest in the new reality.


I had been experiencing quite a bit of anger related to my loss, and I thought I was still stuck in Phase 2 of the traditional grieving cycle. And I thought I had a lot more ahead of me (Phases 3, 4, 5) before I could deal properly with the loss, heal, and move on. Yet, after learning about TEAR, I realize that I have already been doing a lot of the necessary work to move on, so unless I am really fooling myself, I think I am farther along than I thought.

Grieving a deep loss is not just a simple extended process, not a single event. So much of the Denial, Bargaining, and Depression I experienced actually continued to occur in unset patterns for the weeks and months after my wife's death. The anger that I felt just prior to my final REALIZATION & Declaration that my relationship was indeed ended was just the breaking point, the last bit of steam that blew the lid off the kettle. It was the one event that I needed to experience to put all the pieces that I had been experiencing in the weeks and months together after the accident into one package ....that I refer to as " MY TIME IN HELL", which really was not one event at all, but a long, drawn out series in the process.

The acceptance piece is something that "THE REALIZATION OF FINALITY OF MY PHYSICAL RELATIONSHIP WITH MY WIFE " helped allow to happen. And the acceptance piece is something that allows the rest of the TEAR process to begin.

Notice that the first step of Grief Work is ACCEPTANCE, the last stage of the 5 Stages of Grief.

It begins when the honeymoon period is over, the friends have stopped calling, everyone thinks you should be over it, "closure" has been effected, and everything is supposed to be back to normal. It's at this point that real grieving begins.

Now the feelings that I had been experiencing all make sense. I had been Experiencing the pain of my loss more fully now that the "honeymoon" period was over.

The Adjustment to my new environment without my wife had been ongoing.

I was then able to start beginning to Reinvest in the new reality of my life, the reality of life without my wife. This is what it means to TEAR my wife from the fabric of my existence. She was in my past, but She is no longer in my present and She will not be in my future. I am reinvesting in me and in my life only. The fabric of my future existence will be woven without her.

This was the ground work for myself to move forward and on.. Or I could have spent the next 10 years or more Grieving something I could never Change.. I cannot change she Died.. I cannot Change she is no longer physically with me... I cannot change the fact my life seems a lot less bright without her here with me.


But I can change my attitude and accept these facts that I cannot change.

Your positive attitude and the willingness to accept things as they are after your loss.... and not as you want them to be...... will be your own key to freedom from Pain, Suffering and Heart Ache and ongoing Misery.
As I have said many times before I will provide you with the information & the tools. You only decide where and when you are ready to use them. They are here for you when you are ready..

I wish you Peace

Cal821
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Memory can only tell us what we were,
in the company of those we loved;
it cannot help us find what each of us, alone, must now become.
Yet no person is really alone;
those who live no more echo still within our thoughts and words,
and what they did has become woven into what we are.

I wish you peace and a level path on your journey...

Cal821

Last edited by cal821 : February 28th, 2012 at 10:15.
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  #2  
Old February 25th, 2012, 09:15
Marjatta Marjatta is offline
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Excellent, that's all I can say.

Thanks so much, Cal. You nailed it.

Marjatta
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"Fear knocked at the door. Faith answered. And lo, no one was there." ~ Author Unknown
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  #3  
Old February 25th, 2012, 10:20
hamilton hamilton is offline
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Frankly never been a fan of the "5 stages" as they are so overblown and people think you "have" to have them and want some kind of absolute roadmap to show them the way etc etc. Pass. Everyone has their own anyway. Thx for "thinking outside the box" on that one.
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  #4  
Old May 1st, 2012, 10:56
cal821 cal821 is offline
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Thank you both for your comments.. I appreciate them

Cal821
__________________
Memory can only tell us what we were,
in the company of those we loved;
it cannot help us find what each of us, alone, must now become.
Yet no person is really alone;
those who live no more echo still within our thoughts and words,
and what they did has become woven into what we are.

I wish you peace and a level path on your journey...

Cal821
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  #5  
Old June 21st, 2014, 13:23
cal821 cal821 is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 477
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Bump for those new to the forum.
__________________
Memory can only tell us what we were,
in the company of those we loved;
it cannot help us find what each of us, alone, must now become.
Yet no person is really alone;
those who live no more echo still within our thoughts and words,
and what they did has become woven into what we are.

I wish you peace and a level path on your journey...

Cal821
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  #6  
Old June 21st, 2014, 14:15
Jodilynne Jodilynne is offline
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Thank you. I like that version a lot more than the traditional five stages. Acceptance is the key to my problem. Without that I will just be going over all the what ifs, should have, could have, would haves. Bill always said there are no shoulda, it is what it is right now. He would probably say up me right now, this second I am okay. I suppose at this moment I am. It's when I think about the past and my future I get messed up. Thank you again
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  #7  
Old October 15th, 2015, 10:07
cal821 cal821 is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 477
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bump up for a re-read
__________________
Memory can only tell us what we were,
in the company of those we loved;
it cannot help us find what each of us, alone, must now become.
Yet no person is really alone;
those who live no more echo still within our thoughts and words,
and what they did has become woven into what we are.

I wish you peace and a level path on your journey...

Cal821
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