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  #1  
Old October 10th, 2011, 23:36
laylaa laylaa is offline
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Default loss of my brother

I don't know why I'm writing to here. It's been 5 years now and each time I read or write anything of it it makes me cry. I can't think straight. I still can't believe what has happened.

My brother was 27 and myself 26. I had a call telling me of his suicide. I hate saying it but he hung himself. I hate it when people restate this to me or to others. I've seen a psychologist few times and they kept repeating the scenario and restating how the event happened over and over again. I don't understand why they can't understand how disturbing it is for me to hear this all over again.

And when they see me vulnerable to the topic they treat me like I'm going mad. Although I'm very emotional to the whole matter..I don't think this is not normal. Right? It was my only brother and I don't have any other siblings. I just cry but most of the time by myself and talk to myself like as though he can hear me.

My relationship with my brother was very strange. Till the age of 16 or so we were like bestfriends but after that we never managed to get along. He was horrible to me. He treated me horrible. And my family really never cared of this action. It was like my mum reinforced him to be like that with me.

My dad was an alcoholic and still is. My parents always argued. Mum was physically abused by him and he also physically abused me alot of times.

Till that age of 16 my brother always protected me from others and dad. My dad always became a sad drunk. Only when he was drunk he will become like this. The next day it was like nothing ever happened.

I never accepted his ways but we all lived in the same home. My mum told me I have to learn how to cope with my dad and my brother physically abusing me whenever they were mad at anything, just liker herself. And when I argued back she became so upset and even she tried to hit me. It was like she enjoyed it all and she wanted me to go through the same thing.

My brother damaged my belongings at home for no reason. He even called the cops on me when I was crying over my damaged items (room, homework, etc). I was confused to why the cops approached me in my room. Later I found out my brother called the police telling them that I was attacking him. Basically he wanted me to suffer for no reason.

All this makes me so upset. No-one really talked to me at home; not my brother, dad, sometimes mum. I was like the black sheep of the family because I wanted to do normal things in life.

I left home after a huge physical abuse. I was basically walking to go home at the stairways and he (my brother) pushed me to the side and I pushed him back. He punched me down and he was ontop of me strangling me screaming out, either you or me... it's you or me who will die!... I had to kick the door with my legs so mum can hear and open the door. I couldn't yell out for help cause he had his hands on my neck.

Anyhow mum was terrified and yelling and crying. He left and went out. I was left crying and told her at that point I'm leaving home. Even at that time like that she didn't want me to leave. She was crying because I was leaving... one street away... and she was almost about to convince me not to.

I stopped living with them for few years and my brother didn't really care that we were like enemies so to speak. I was fine with it all as long as they were happy and sometimes I contacted them and dropped by to see how they were. They seemed happy without me in the picture. It's sad but I still thought this was good, at-least they were happy.

One day I had a call from a lady. She told me my brother hung himself. I was at home and fell down in crying shock. I still can't believe how everything happened. It felt like I was in a movie. Everything went silent and I stood there identifying my brothers dead body.

The weirdest people surrounded the area to watch what was happening. I saw an ambulance. To this I heard myself say , oh it's ok he will be ok the ambulance is here... yet I knew he died.

I had few people saying to me , I know you loved him... this shocked me. didn't anyone know this? that I loved him? What did they mean by saying this to me> I know you loved him?.. I wanted to push them away and hug my mum.. but she had so many people crying and hugging her..and my dad on the other side yelling in terror.

For years I'm left with the most confusing feelings, emotions, everythinggg... I sometimes don't want to see my dad or mum. But I feel bad as the only child not to contact them.

Also one side of me still has anger towards my brother for what he made me go through in life ( so much...) and he just left like that. And another me loves him so much it makes me cry all the time. And then I cry over everything, him, dad, my mum... everything.

I blame my parents but my mum has the nerve to say.. I don't understand why he did what he did.... I feel like yelling at her and saying , It's because of you two!.. you were a horrible role model, you were awful parents, you turned him against me, you two belong to eachother....

and then the other side of me feels so sorry for them. I know they hurt from all this and it makes them so upset.

I don't know what to think of it all anymore. I know the whole thing ruined my life. I don't think I can ever be "normal" so to speak. I always feel empty or emotionally ruined. I don't understand why my mum, dad and brother all hated me. I don't know if what I did was right or wrong anymore. I don't know if maybe I stayed to live with them things would've turned out different. ... I'm so confused...........I don't know if it's normal for me to still contact my parents... I don't know if it's normal to accept them like that...( my psychologist told me to accept them) ..everything is so weird to me.... I don't even want to have a family (am scared of everything repeating itself) ....
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  #2  
Old October 11th, 2011, 07:47
tom-fisherman tom-fisherman is offline
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Shalom in Yeshua Laylaa, thank you so much for explaining your feelings and sharing your very difficult childhood with us. Can I tell you right away that you have done nothing wrong, and there was nothing you could have done to change anything.

I feel great sympathy for you and your family. Sadly, it appears from what you say that your dad was so wrapped up in himself that eventually I suspect your brother found it easier to become like him, maybe getting tired of standing up to him. Can I tell you that you shouldn't have to learn how to 'cope' with someone drinking and such abusive behaviour. No-one should have to live like that!!

You did the right thing by leaving home, because if the anger your brother harboured within himself was focused at you then you were in danger. Why he was like that can only be guessed at, but the home life you both had to endure was so very difficult and I think was a major factor.

Please stop feeling so guilty about this. You are the victim here!! The reason you feel this way is because you have a huge capacity to love and forgive them even after the way you have been treated. The fact that you feel as the only child you should see them displays your nature, this is a beautiful quality, so stop being hard on yourself.

The next time you do decide to visit your mum and 'if' she brings up the subject, ask her to explain to you why your brother did it. There may be something you are not aware of. But don't be afraid to disagree with her, and if this happens tell her you don't want to discuss it again.

What I suggest then is you rebuke your brother for all his abuse towards you and for taking his own life and the pain it has caused, and then forgive him. You have the capacity to do this because of your loving nature. He will hear you.

Then you need to put it to the back of your mind and get on with your life. There is a saying that you cannot pick your family but you can pick your friends. Do you have friends that you can share with? You do need someone to talk to. If not you can talk here in open forum or by personal messages. Remember everything here is anonymous.

Your life isn't ruined. It has only been damaged but it can be 'healed' by the grace of God so you can live a fulfilled life. Please don't think that if you have a family things will repeat itself, it won't. Why? because you have seen the way NOT to live and bring up children. You are far better now for the experience.

May God bless you
Tom
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  #3  
Old October 11th, 2011, 08:54
laylaa laylaa is offline
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Tom

Thank you for being kind with your words. Yes I do forgive my brother , so to speak, for what he has put me through but at times I find myself angry and upset with him for showing hate rather then trying to be a loving brother. I do love him but I have mixed feelings. I mostly think he hated me and I want to know if he always hated me. .. just questions.. and very sadly I miss him. I have some old good memories I keep dwelling on and even that makes me upset.

Yes I have my GP telling me not to feel guilty as yourself. I actually don't know what I'm feeling or how I'm coming across. It was a surprise to me when I heard my doctor tell me not to feel guilty. Am I feeling guilty... I want to snap out of it but I can't stop feeling this way. I want that part of me to leave me so I don't feel anything. But it keeps upsetting me

I can't ask my mum alot of questions with this topic. When I visit them they are both nice to me now ( in there own ways) In a way I feel sorry to see them suddenly make a huge change in being nice to me. It's almost like it was there last resort to be like this due to the suicide.

Infact when the topic is raised I try to change it. Because it always leads to more crying and I get worried with there health. I probably come across selfish. I turn to cry on my own so they don't worry more... it's ridiculous I worry for them worrying ... I want to stop feeling these.

They have changed in there ways to be "nice" to me but some things haven't. Like when they argue and it gets worse my mum will give me a call and say things to me like, see what I have to put up with.... it's as though she's blaming me no matter where I am. I finally told her to stop calling me like this. She told almost everyone in the family/circle , something along the lines of being a selfish daughter.

It's hard to even explain what type of relationship I have with my dad. He is a hopeless drunk but when he's sober we can be like bestfriends. It's just confusing. ...

I pulled away from everyone. I actually try to avoid alot of people. It started by avoiding everyone due to all the questions I was being asked in relation to my brother and how it happened.. .. even now if I come across people that I knew from before they will still dwell on this same topic which upsets me and I can't tell them to mind there own business thinking it'll be too rude...so I pull away more.It just hurts me to keep hearing the same topic over and over again. Now I found myself hardly even going out with one or two friends hanging about.

Writing to here definitely helped some thank you for reading so much and replying. You must have a kind nature yourself to help like this
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  #4  
Old October 11th, 2011, 13:40
tom-fisherman tom-fisherman is offline
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Shalom in Yeshua laylaa, thank you for replying. You come across to me as someone who needs a hug!! You have had a lot to put up with and its bound to cause such emotional confusion. You certainly don't come across as 'selfish' to me.

May I suggest that when family or anyone else for that matter wants to raise the suicide issue, simply say to them that is too painful to talk about and leave it there.

Most people feel an element of guilt when they loose someone they loved. The reason for this is we say to ourselves 'what if.....' What if I had done this or done that..... This reaction is really more to do about ourselves rather than the person who has died. I say that not to upset anyone or suggest they are just thinking of themselves, far from it, but it is the way we as human beings try to deal with bereavement. Its the thought of dashing in like a knight in shining armour to save the day that make us feel somehow better. Once you realise you couldn't have done anything is when you start to come to terms with the loss.

You know deep down inside that your brother didn't hate you, certainly up to the age of 16yrs. What happened to him after that is anyone's guess. Try not to think about it because even if you found the reason for his mind change you still couldn't turn the clock back.

You don't need to 'snap out' of it you need to offload your feelings. Do it here, if you wish, but offload those feelings. Shout at a photo if it makes you feel better!! This is about you getting through the grieving and that is what I would like to help you with.

I will keep you in my prayers this evening
May God bless you
Tom
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