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  #1  
Old August 15th, 2008, 10:46
Gav Gav is offline
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Default 5 years on and still struggling

My eldest brother took his own life, he was 32 yrs old, father of twins, eldest of 3 brothers and my best friend. Even now 5 years on I still can't describe how he has left us feeling. It's destroyed a part of me and I still break down when I consider the effects it has had on my mother. I can see she 's not the person she once was and her health has suffered badly since. There is nothing I can do to take the pain away that is hiding behind her eye's, these day's I don't even want to mention it for fear of upsetting her. We do talk about him but never in depth about our feelings.

Recently for me the grief has come back again but stronger than in the last couple of years and have found myself breaking down with every thought of him. The thought of never seeing him again is still extremely difficult for me to accept. I feel i've let go but I guess this is what missing someone really feels like.
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  #2  
Old August 18th, 2008, 21:23
Rachele Rachele is offline
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I am so sorry about your brother. I'm here because I lost my mom a year ago, unexpectedly. I have found it very difficult to live with the fact that she is gone. It's hard to accept and hard to let go. I wish I knew what to say to help. I talk about my feelings with people who are supportive or who have experienced a death of a close person in their life. It does offer some comfort to know I am not alone. It's just the part about living life, without the person, who has been there most of your life and you thought would still be around that's most diffficult to get past.
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  #3  
Old August 20th, 2008, 05:46
Gav Gav is offline
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Thank you so much for your reply, I guess there's not a lot anyone can say in all honesty, cliche or not, time is by far the best healer of such tragedies.
After the first year or so of initial shock I realised that I could not let my sorrow engulf my life and so decided to look for something positive to take from his death. I supported my brothers twins with their grief and realising what they had lost put everything into perspective. I had known my dad for 32 years, they had known Gary for 9. I've tried to explain to them since, that what he did was not selfish rather that he was ill and was suffering so much menatl anguish that he couldn't see a way out. In time they will gain a better understanding of this.

You are not alone, try to take some comfort in that. I looked at my niece and nephew and the way they dealt and are still dealing with it, going to school every day after it happened when I couldn't go to work, they have so much more courage than I did. They showed me how to cope better than I had been.
Since then I realised I needed a job where I was making a difference in some way to people's lives, people who are less forunate than the rest of us. As my brother had experienced a lot of difficulties from around the age of 7, and subsequently learned no coping skills, I decided to pursue a career as a Support worker in a secure unit for children with behavioural problems as my brother had a similar childhood to many of these children.
Sometimes to help yourself, its good to help others.
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  #4  
Old August 20th, 2008, 19:25
Rachele Rachele is offline
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So true Gav about helping others gives you a good sense of purpose and happiness. I too help others and it is a good feeling. I like to watch my children. They make me smile on days, when I thought there was nothing to smile about. I want to also direct this post to Lee, as well. Both of you have alot of strength and courage. Lee, loosing your dad just days ago and Gav, loosing your brother. Both of you seem to be trying to think positively. That helps. Lee, it may be a rollercoaster ride of emotions for you, as your dad's death is so recent. As I mentioned, it is a year for me, and have had times of depression with the grief. No one want to feel depressed. We all want some comfort, peace and happiness. I have spoken so much about finding peace in my many posts. I suppose it has to do with acceptance of mom's death which I have not found yet. There were many circumstances, unanswered questions etc with my mom's death. Also, my faith tends to be weak, as I do not not know for sure, that my mom is in a better place. I hope she is.
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  #5  
Old August 21st, 2008, 09:28
Gav Gav is offline
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Rachel, I don't believe it's good for you to be thinking about where you're mum has gone, as long as she 's in the right place with you, in your heart then thats all that matters, (i hope this does not offend you). As with your mum s death, my brothers is also surrounded by unanswered questions. I can't keep thinking of how the police failed miserably in my brothers case, found dead on the floor around the back of a house, it should have been treated in suspicious circumstances but they never did, I don't know for sure that he did take his own life as there was an awful lot of trouble going on at the time, but he had threatened it.
My point is you' ve got to get your self (in time of course) to a point where it just doesn't matter anymore. These questions could always remain unanswered and how much of your life are you going to commit to this.

We all find our own ways of getting through the hard times, but we must go through them. My advice to anyone in similar situations is try if you can to not to torment yourselves with such questions as the turmoil it can cause can be unbareable.
Keep watching those kids of yours, they 'll always make you smile when you feel low.
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  #6  
Old August 23rd, 2008, 07:58
loyalpuppy loyalpuppy is offline
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Default 4 Months and trying to cope

Gav I can so relate with what your going through. I lost my husband 4 months ago in an auto accident that even though the death certificate states it was from multiple injuries the police believe that he commited suicide due to his medical history. They also had someone who said they thought they saw his car swerve into the direction of the truck.

He was diagnosed with a mental illness two years ago and was being medicated to keep him stable. But the doctors were having a hard time finding meds that would work. My husband was also self medicating on his own with drugs that were counter acting the medication he was on.

My husband's death has left me with alot of unanswered questions and a feeling of being deserted. I know he had mental problems but I guess I never truly believed that he would do it. That was not his first attempt at hurting himeself as he had tried it three times before twice with overdosing himself on his own prescription drugs and once threatening to shot himself with one of his own pistols. Each time he said he just wanted help.

I try not to dwell on it but when I am alone my thoughts are still on trying to figure out what went wrong. I do have a 17 year old son that keeps me busy and I know I have to be there for him.

Rachel I will tell you this. My faith is probably not the strongest but I believe everyone goes to heaven. I think all of our loved ones are in a better place and will be there waiting for us. Don't take me wrong on this, but I believe that Earth is the hell.

I did seek a pyschic because of something I read and I was told through them that he was at peace. When the question of whether his car accident was intentional or not, the answer I got back was "you know in your heart what the answer is". Do I believe her? She relayed somethings that he had been telling me right along that she had no way of knowing for sure that he said them. Word for word. So I do believe she had connected with him.
When he was alive and depressed, he would beg me to let him go. And the psychic also stated that in time he wanted me to let him go and move on.

I just don't know if I can do that. Anyway as a friend keeps telling me "hang tough". I can only hope that I can tough this out and find some peace of my own.
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  #7  
Old August 23rd, 2008, 09:27
Rachele Rachele is offline
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Again, I am sorry for the both of your losses, Gav and Lovepuppy. Gav, your point about getting to the time where you don't dwell on the death and unanswered questions is relevant, as currently the grief consumes my life. I can't get passed it. Unable to accept and let go. I have found myself going back into a depression, since mom's death 1 year ago. I hope I can find my way out to some positive things in life. Lovepuppy, I think you mentioned your faith, knowing our loved ones are in a better place. I have been loosing faith and hope, though i really want to believe they are in a better place. I guess, I want confirmation. I have been to some mediums and they have told me some things that were comforting and true. Just thought I might here something that was my mom, a memory that would make me fall out of the chair confirmation. Don't know, just trying to get through each day.
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  #8  
Old August 23rd, 2008, 10:03
loyalpuppy loyalpuppy is offline
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Default confirmation

Rachele not meaning it wrong but maybe your not ready for the "fall out of your chair confirmation". I think that the fall out of the chair confirmation comes when you can deal with it. One of the things that has been hard for me to deal with is being alone again. I am going to be 49 years old and one of the things the medium said was my husband had said that I would find someone else. He said that I was too young and pretty to be alone. Well that made me cry because I never thought of myself as pretty anyway. But everytime I think about that statement I cry. Even now.

MAybe you have received that confirmation and you can't see it through the pain right now. One of the things my husband and I talked about in the last month was he thought he was going to hell for some of the things he had done. I actually found a bible verse that I showed him to try to prove to him that he wasn't. I don't think he could even see through his own pain to understand what I was telling him. Another thing the medium said was that when he passed he didn't half believe in the process of death but he had alot of help in crossing over and that he now understood and was at peace.

I don't know if you like to read but a friend who had suffered the loss of her Dad gave me a book that helped. It is called "Into the light" by John Lerma MD. It tells about near death experiences of people. It helped me feel a little more at peace with my husband's death. I read another one that I didn't like as much but you might get something out of it is "Life after Life" by R. A. Moody.

Something else I noticed is you don't mention any other family members other than your children? Is there anyone else in your family that you can talk to about your grief? A Grief website that I found said that if you hold onto your grief it will consume you and come back in negative ways. I am hoping for you and your children's sake that you can find the answers that you are seeking.
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  #9  
Old August 23rd, 2008, 20:59
Rachele Rachele is offline
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Loyalpuppy, thank you for your thoughts. I think I probrably have received confirmations and signs if I just allow myself to accept and believe them. My problem is I not 100% sure there is an afterlife and it scares me. I hope my mom's spirit is living on. I have read quite of few books on spirituality. I grasp to believe and the books do help, and ever so often I receive something that makes say maybe there is more to this life on earth.
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  #10  
Old August 24th, 2008, 22:20
Rachele Rachele is offline
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Gav, have read that the grief comes back at various stages. Like: 1 year after death, 5 years, 10 years and all the birthdays and holidays in between. They are times, when we think of them in the past and how it could have been if there were still alive with us now. I think having a positive outlook is half the battle to healing. It's the negative attitude of dwelling on their life and deaths that hinders us, me included. I hope I can move into a more positive outlook and gain some peace in mom's death. I need a little more faith and beliefe in the afterlife, in order to know my mom is ok and still around. I believe that to be my biggest struggle to find peace and healing.
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