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  #1  
Old February 10th, 2014, 01:22
ginahunt3 ginahunt3 is offline
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Default Still need closure

I lost my best friend in a car accident on 11/23/13. I am having such a hard time "accepting" it. I know she's gone but it's not real to me yet. I think it's because we the funeral home couldn't make her presentable enough to have a viewing. I am the kind of person who needs to see it to believe it and all I was able to see was an urn with a picture of her. I keep looking at the photos that were in the paper but that's not the same thing. All I can see there are the cars and a sheet over her body. I know it sounds morbid but I really need to see her body in order to really let it sink in. I even thought about going to the police department and asking to see the pictures from the scene. They probably won't let me but I need to do something before I drive myself crazy. I even called her phone so I could record her voicemail greeting. Now I can hear her voice still. I am 41 years old and I feel like a child. I don't know what to do anymore.
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  #2  
Old February 10th, 2014, 03:27
hazelharris hazelharris is offline
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hi my friend i'm so sorry you are still being traumatised by your friends accident on reading your message i think this is taking over your mind wanting to find closure on seeing her remains well in my opinion if you did would be a big mistake because in it's place would be the vision and that would be flooding your mind instead I think it's one of the hardest things in grieving to remove our loved ones moments of passing from our mind we go over and over it like it's still happening when it's not it's in the past when we can accept this it's the first step on our road to overcoming grief
as you are suffering so much you are adding torture to your wounds by listening to her voice there is a time when you will be able to listen in the future when your stronger but not now it tells me you want and need to feel this pain I'm sorry but your friend is now in heaven but remember where she is she is happy she is loved and still loves you all try to do something more constructive for her family i know you care for them everything you do is from the love the two of you shared try to take comfort in this Thinking of you and i do hope the days will get better for you soon xxxx
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Old February 10th, 2014, 11:08
j's daughter j's daughter is offline
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Hello ginahunt3,

I'm glad you let us share your pain and grief, and I am so sorry for your loss of your friend. I agree with Hazel that you need a positive last image that stays with you, not the vision of your friend in the accident. It will take a while, and perhaps deliberate work on your part to bring that about.

Two things helped me, and perhaps might help you:

First, reach back into your memories for a happy time. In 2010 I held my mother in my arms as she took her last breaths, and that image stays with me. It's a sorrowful picture. But to balance that, I also have the memory of a few days before her death, when my mother gestured me to her bedside, and whispered "thank you." The first words she had spoken in many weeks, and the last she was to speak, but she managed that much for me. That picture stays with me, and is full of love. That's the sort of memory you will want to have with you as you go on from this point.

Can you picture a moment when you and your friend were laughing at something? Can you remember the sound of her laughter, the expression on her face? Try for good memories.

The memories show that your friend is with you in spirit. It's still very early days for you and it might be a while before you are able to do it, and do it without tears, but in time you might realize you are your friend's eyes and ears. Your experience of the world is your friend's.

I remember walking past a little park on my way to the grocery store, a park I would pass with my Mom so often. At first, the sight brought tears to my eyes, as I thought of my mother no longer seeing the trees, hearing the sound of children in the park, feeling the warmth of the sun on her face. Now I know she sees and hears and feels what I do. I won't say the pain is gone completely, but it is mixed with joy for having shared experiences.

You will come to that, in time. Remembering experiences shared with your friend, and remembering them with a sad / happy feeling. For now, there is pain and tears. In time, there will be smiles, too. And happier memories.

I think you have to deliberately work at it. Do you have one memory of one time you and your friend were laughing together?

The second thing that helped me was writing out my pain in a letter to my Mom after her death. I missed her terribly. Still do. There had been just the two of us for so many years, and then she was gone from sight. Somehow, though, writing to her established a new relationship, a connection that is still with me, going into four years after her passing.

For your friend, and for your eyes only, you might try a letter. It might be rambling and incoherent and tear-filled and joyous — depends on the memories it calls up. I don't use the word "closure" and I'm not sure we get to that stage after someone passes from our sight. I don't think we ever leave them behind. But I do believe we can get to a place of acceptance.

I also believe we get there each in our own way, in our own time. And it does take time. Instead of looking for pictures of your friend's last moments, can you look for pictures to hold in your mind of good times? Can you make new moments, and know you are sharing them in spirit with your friend?

I believe in something I read once: The greatest gift we can give to those who have left us is to live fully in their place. I also believe we can tell them we're doing that, and they will hear us, and know we remember them.

Let us know how it goes.
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Old February 10th, 2014, 14:15
hazelharris hazelharris is offline
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hi j' daughter (c) lovely words and such good advice as usual and it bought back a similar memory i had last year i was walking the dogs round the park just like darren used to i thought same old park same trees bushes every thing the same as before he passed away how can it all be here when inside me everything is different i sat on the hill in tears and a whole lot of butterflies danced over me and the dogs danced about with them and it made me laugh as i sat watching them and for the first time i felt hope and a feeling i could cope again i suppose we all at the beginning of our grief can't understand why everything is as it was before why we are rooted to the moment like time has stood still how can the world roll on without them but it does and we have to go forward as it's so easy to stay there rooted to the past Its all the good memories that help us through the days reminding us that life was good is good and will be again one day
always in my thoughts my friend xxxxxx
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Old February 10th, 2014, 16:29
j's daughter j's daughter is offline
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Oh, Hazel ... your memories bring out one of mine: I remember my first day going back to work after my mother's death. I was riding the train downtown and I remember being amazed that no one on the train seemed to notice that my mother was gone! Surely the world must somehow be able to see that? People in their own worlds with their own concerns ... My life was completely changed and no one else noticed!

You're right. Time seems to stand still for us, but the rest of the world just goes on around us. It shows, I guess, that memories and experiences belong to the people who share them with us. We can describe something to others, but no one else can feel what we feel.

I think we have to be very deliberate about making memories while we have the chance. It's our memories of the good times that sustain us long after we've parted from the ones we remember. I also believe that somehow they know we are remembering, and they are smiling, because they remember the good times, too.

Hazel, your husband, and gina your friend, deserve to be smiling. They need first to see you smiling to be able to do that. They need to know you are remembering them with joy, not just with sorrow and pain. I know it takes time, but the time will come.
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Old February 11th, 2014, 00:08
ginahunt3 ginahunt3 is offline
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Thank you both for your kind words. I do have alot of good memories and I think of them often. She was an everyday part of my life. She lived next door to me so I look out the window and expect to see her truck then I remember I won't ever see it again. We were so close that when her mom was diagnosed with cancer a few years ago, she called me from the Dr's office crying even before her siblings knew anything. We were soul sisters from the moment we met. I always got along better with men than women and she told me the same thing about herself. We were so much alike. We found out we went to the same high school but I'ma year older so we weren't In any classes together. We even dated the same guy when we were in our thirties! Everytime something happens in my life I think to myself that I have to call her and then I think who am I supposed to call now? It may sound silly but if when one of us got sick we would tell the other "I think I'm dying" and the other would tell them "You better take me with you. You're not leaving me hear to deal with these people I.E. our friends and neighbors, by myself" and I keep thinking that she left and didn't take me too. Anyway, I guess I'm just gonna have to wait till it gets easier. Well thanks for listening and taking the time to respond. I really appreciate it.
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