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  #1  
Old January 24th, 2012, 02:10
ginahunt3 ginahunt3 is offline
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Default Stepdad is dying

My stepdad has been in my life for thirty yrs. He had pneumonia before xmas so he was in the hospital he was discharged for the holidays. He went back last week and was told he has stage 4 lung cancer. The night before last he took a turn for the worse. He was talking and moving yesterday today they stopped.all his meds and upped his pain meds. Now he has slept all day not waking at all. He is now.in hospice. The hospice nurse and chaplain have been in to see him as well as.the hospice social worker. Explain to me how everything happened so fast. A few months ago he finished rebuilding a 1956 ford pickup. He just had a few finishing touches left and now he's dying. I won't go to the hospital.to see him. My mom tells.me how he's gasping for breath and in pain even though he's medicated. I don't want to see him like that. I want to remember him as he used to be. I am so torn. I want to say goodbye but I just can't. Mom on the other hand os there about 12 hrs a day.Am I wrong? How did this happen so fast?
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  #2  
Old January 24th, 2012, 06:10
tom-fisherman tom-fisherman is offline
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Shalom in Yeshua Ginahunt3, I am sorry to hear about your step dad's condition. Know that I have already said a prayer for him and your family.

It is very difficult watching someone die. I remember being at my mothers bed watching helplessly in tears. But now I am glad that I did witness her going home, because out of that very difficult painful time I saw the sheer joy on her face when she was greeted into the next life.

To visit or not is something you must decide for yourself, and will be the right thing for you to do. You are not wrong for not going. At this stage I doubt very much if he will know you are there anyway as he will be so sedated. Talk to your mum and seek her view, but make your own mind up!!

Please let us know when he goes home and how you are.

May God bless you
Tom
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Old January 24th, 2012, 11:19
cljm cljm is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ginahunt3 View Post
My stepdad has been in my life for thirty yrs. He had pneumonia before xmas so he was in the hospital he was discharged for the holidays. He went back last week and was told he has stage 4 lung cancer. The night before last he took a turn for the worse. He was talking and moving yesterday today they stopped.all his meds and upped his pain meds. Now he has slept all day not waking at all. He is now.in hospice. The hospice nurse and chaplain have been in to see him as well as.the hospice social worker. Explain to me how everything happened so fast. A few months ago he finished rebuilding a 1956 ford pickup. He just had a few finishing touches left and now he's dying. I won't go to the hospital.to see him. My mom tells.me how he's gasping for breath and in pain even though he's medicated. I don't want to see him like that. I want to remember him as he used to be. I am so torn. I want to say goodbye but I just can't. Mom on the other hand os there about 12 hrs a day.Am I wrong? How did this happen so fast?


ginahunt3,

Bless your heart---a step father such as yours for thrity years is truly a Father.

They say that lung cancer is mostly detected late in it's course---mainly because there are few symptoms to rely on until it gets to a certain point to become detectable---and by then, since there was no previous cause for concern and therefore no treatment given, it's often so late that it usually brings death within 6 months time. You can see that this might have been the case with your step father, as just a few months ago he was rebuilding his Ford pickup.

When death comes to us---so quickly---so unexpectedly---we cry out---Why?...How? Those are the first words spoken to try to understand the overwhelming emotions of our loss that have hit us full force with the reality of losing someone we so love.

I am so sorry this has happen to your step father---to you---and to your family.

You are never wrong in your feelings and emotions---you must follow your heart for what you can do.
There are many who choose as you do to remember their loved one in happier times, they choose instead to say their "good-byes" in different ways. Then, there are some that have regrets that they weren't there. You must do that for yourself----choose for yourself. You will know what is "right" for you.

For my Mother's passing, I was there---there to tend and nurture her as she had done for me all my life. As the last sigh escaped her, I knew she was comforted and at peace by her Faith of God's promise. I knew too, that even with her last breath---while so hard for me to accept, it was for her---the true peacefulness of her going home to her Lord. I am so thankful for sharing that time with her. It was a gift---unawares---that passed between us furthering our Mother/Daughter bond that remains forever. Just as in life, so it is in death.

Our Prayers are with your step father, you, and your family.


"For every Joy that passes, something Beautiful remains"
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Old January 26th, 2012, 00:33
ginahunt3 ginahunt3 is offline
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Thank you guys for the encouraging words. My beloved stepdad passed away this mornin. As much as I love him I just couldn't bring myself to go see him. I don't think either way I would have been content with my decision. If I had gone to see him I would have lived with that image in my head for the rest of my life and I don't think I could have dealt with that image every time I closed my eyes. However, I am feeling alot of guilt for not being able to say goodbye. I am relieved that his death was fast. He did suffer but it was only 3 weeks from diagnosis to death, so it wasn't drawn out over months or yrs. I love him for the person he was and I love him even more for loving my mom. He was good to her. They say married people should be best friends and they truly were and for that I thank him from the bottom of my heart.
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Old January 26th, 2012, 06:11
cljm cljm is offline
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ginahunt3,

Prayers and support are with you with the passing of your step father.
Yes, thankfully he did not linger--- that is a Blessing in itself.

Gina, you made the right choice for yourself at the time regarding saying your final good-byes. Please do not beat yourself up over it now---you did what you thought was right. Certainly you might have "guilt" about it after the fact, but really you shouldn't. It is a personal choice for everyone----and one that once rthe choice is made, cannot be changed. Accept that your choice was made with the very best of intentions for your emotional well being at the time and that your step father would understand this; he would not want to cause his family undue pain and suffering. There will very likely be many times ahead for you with regrets for things not done, or for things done that shouldn't have been done---suffering the pains of sadness for the past, the present, and future. That will all be part of your normal grieving process. Understand that you will "do the best you can" as these reminders and thoughts come to you. It is very important for you to be "good to yourself"....we cannot change things, we can only come to accept them.

Reach out to your Mother for her care and support---in return, she will also reach out to you. Together you will remember and all the wonderful things about your step father.

Share your feelings freely--that will help you to be healthy in your healing. So many of us have suffered such great losses---know that we are here for you. Our thoughts are with you as you go through this time. And remember----your step father is also with you.

"For every Joy that passes, something Beautiful remains"
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  #6  
Old January 26th, 2012, 10:30
tom-fisherman tom-fisherman is offline
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Shalom in Yeshua ginahunt3, Sorry to hear of his passing, God bless him.

The decision you made was the right one so please don't feel guilt about it. We are taught that when our loved ones close their eyes in sleep (the old name for death) they awake in Sheol. What's more they can hear us, so how about just saying to him, how much you love him and say bye to him now.

Talk to him, and talk to your mum about him. This will help you and her in the grieving process. Keep coming here to if you need support or want to talk things through.

May God bless you
Tom
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