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  #1  
Old June 10th, 2007, 16:30
moonmagick moonmagick is offline
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Default Does it make it any easier?

We knew my grandmother was dying before she passed. In some ways I think it helped us to come to terms with it, but on the other hand, we also knew our time with her was limited. Do you think it makes it any easier to cope when you know it is going to happen?
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Old June 10th, 2007, 19:05
tater03 tater03 is offline
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I would think that if you knew it was coming it would be somewhat easier in the sense that you can spend quality time and say what needs to be said before they pass on.
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  #3  
Old June 13th, 2007, 12:46
nancy nancy is offline
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This is a great question. I've experienced the deaths of friends and family both ways - as a shocking tragedy and as a welcomed end to long suffering. My father's death was the first significant loss in my life. When I learned he had cancer I was stunned. I couldn't imagine watching him suffer through such a terrible disease. I told my friend that I wanted to just die in my sleep, quickly, without knowing; she, in her wisdom, told me that I might change my mind as I walked with my father through his final days. She was right.

By the time dad died, we had said everything we had to say. One of the most treasured moments in my life occurred just two days before he died, when he looked me in the eye and told me I'd been a good daughter. I was with him when he breathed his last breath - a tremendously spiritual moment that strengthened my faith in many ways.

Although it's possible to end up with unfinished business even when you know death is coming, in a sudden or violent death there is no opportunity to say those important things. Clearly, this is a reason why we should all say these things every day, but too often we don't. I'm grateful that I had the opportunity with both my parents to say the things I wanted to say and to be with them on their final journey. - nancy
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Old June 27th, 2007, 14:27
SageMother SageMother is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by moonmagick View Post
We knew my grandmother was dying before she passed. In some ways I think it helped us to come to terms with it, but on the other hand, we also knew our time with her was limited. Do you think it makes it any easier to cope when you know it is going to happen?
Good question. I think in some cases it helps, if it is supported by the fact that it is a normal death, ie we expect our grands to die before us.

My husband had a heart condition that had to be dealt with about 3 years ago now. During the time of not knowing if everything would be alright, my hair started falling out...the stress of possibly losing him was terrible.

He is find now and so is my hair, but knowing the possibility didn't help me in that situation.
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Old June 30th, 2007, 12:20
harmony_mom harmony_mom is offline
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Default Depends on the Length of Time

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Originally Posted by SageMother View Post
Good question. I think in some cases it helps, if it is supported by the fact that it is a normal death, ie we expect our grands to die before us.

My husband had a heart condition that had to be dealt with about 3 years ago now. During the time of not knowing if everything would be alright, my hair started falling out...the stress of possibly losing him was terrible.

He is find now and so is my hair, but knowing the possibility didn't help me in that situation.
I think that it may depend on how long you know it's coming for and whether or not you know for sure. You mentioned that you didn't know at the time of your husband's illness whether everything would be alright that the expectation didn't make it any easier. I think that in the case that death is a certainty, we do have an easier time coping with it because we can, as has been mentioned, make quality time. My brother's wife is dying of cancer. I know that for him he has partially accepted her death. It will still be difficult when it actually comes, but he has had time to accept that she will die and he will be alone. However I think it also depends on your relationship to the person who is ill, because where my brother has moved through the stages of grief, though he may have to deal with them again on a smaller scale after her death, her two children are still very much in denial. They often talk about when their mom gets better. Perhaps it just depends on the individual.
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  #6  
Old June 30th, 2007, 14:18
SageMother SageMother is offline
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IF the knowledge that death is coming helps one cope, then it should be the policy of places like hospitals and similar places, to avoid trying to create hope that leads in a direction away from accepting the death of the loved one. I know that with my caughter, they should have been honest with me, instead of having me do things like pump my breasts on the hope that she would be home soon.

Has that changed? Is the medical community realizing that they should be more realistic when the likelihood of death isn't certain but extremely high?
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  #7  
Old July 2nd, 2007, 16:42
cassiem0221 cassiem0221 is offline
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I think it might but I am not sure.. I have been told that my son was going to be stillborn and now he is 16 months old and they still say he will die anytime.. I think for me, it makes it worse.. I have accepted that God may take him from me at anytime and that every minute I get with him is precious so maybe it helped in that prospect but you constantly wonder when it will happen.
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Old July 3rd, 2007, 14:38
ainmama2001 ainmama2001 is offline
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We had three months, and it gave us time to plan things, but you have no idea what the emotional impact is going to be until it happens. Having something like hospice in place really helps. Hospice people really help you get your self ready. They are a godsend.
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  #9  
Old July 4th, 2007, 08:28
Taggart Taggart is offline
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Nancy makes an excellent point about saying the things that you want to say. I think this is why so many people make a point of ending phone conversations with "I love you" when talking to loved ones.

The two closest people to me that I've lost were sick over a period of a few weeks when it became obvious that they wouldn't recover. In both cases there were fairly small things that I wish I would have done differently in retrospect.

I wonder how family members who become estranged from each other but still love each other will deal with the deaths of loved ones.
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  #10  
Old July 6th, 2007, 00:50
sandmike123 sandmike123 is offline
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I think it makes it worse. In fact I know in my situation it did. My grandfather was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. They gave him a year tops but probably 6 months or less. It was devastating to watch him die slowly day by day. To watch this once vibrant and full of life human being slowly deteriorate to nothing. You were left waking up everyday wondering if today was the day. it was horrible.
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