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  #1  
Old June 10th, 2011, 00:43
wolfygirl13 wolfygirl13 is offline
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Unhappy I don't know why I didn't know.

I don't really know how to introduce myself here.....I could say that I'm a grieving young woman, or a heartbroken girl, but most of us here probably know what that's like, and so I guess I should just....say that I'm here, and hoping that all of us here can find some solace for our troubled souls.
I just lost a good friend of mine, I found out just a day or two ago but she was gone almost two weeks ago. She had lots of health issues and suffered while she was on this Earth, and I am comforted to know that at least she is in a better place.
But the part that hurts so horribly, for me at least, isn't so much that she's gone-I saw the pain she went through every day, the agony she had from her illnesses and the table so full of prescriptions that it looked like the whole pharmacy had been delivered to her door, and for her to finally be free of the shackles of her spoiled body is one thing I'm sure she's been hoping for. Besides that, she also lost a daughter before I met her, and the little one was only three years old-and her Mom has been waiting to see her for a long time.
But she called me two weeks ago, it must have been right before she left us, and I just feel so bad because I just hit the silence button....and didn't call back. I'd just moved away from being her next-door neighbor very recently and was busy sorting through some things, and it just slipped my mind to cal her back. Next thing you know, I'm walking through the store a couple of days ago and the landlord from the place I'd moved out of walks over and just tells me she's dead, and.....
Well, I don't know 'and', I just sort of went into a shock and wandered through the store, looking for the things I'd intended to get there. It was almost surreal, like it wasn't happening or anything. I just kind of blanked out; I remember asking what isle something was in and then it was all just blurry until I got to the register and checked out. My fiance was with me at the time, and he reminded me that we had to get something else at the other store in the plaza.
So I went inside that store, and it was like it just hit me as soon as I got to the junk food isle. My friend and I were always sharing junk food, and due to her illnesses she couldn't get out to get her chocolate herself, so I usually wound up going for her.
And all of this came back to me as I stood in the store, and I started walking around pulling her favorite junk food off the shelves and shoving it in the basket, crying my eyes out and scaring some poor little child who must have thought I was deluded. I was just huffing and sniffing and wiping my eyes, and my fiance was trying to get me to calm down so I didn't totally break down in the middle of a store, but I just thought he was being insensitive at the time and wound up fighting him on the way back home....
Irregardless, he forgave me and held me while I cried when we got back home. I got hugs from some friends and I called my Mom, and I cried and cried and cried. I called my lost friend's number just to hear her voice on the voicemail message-it's the only way I'll ever hear her voice again....
When I called her cell phone instead of her house phone, I left a message, crying and sobbing about how I missed her and then calling myself stupid for leaving a message to her when she's not even there. I didn't know that her family had already recovered all of her things, and one of her relatives called me back, it was probably five in the morning or so, and helped me stop crying for the moment. It was strange, seeing her number show up on my phone again, it made it seem almost like a dream for about twenty seconds until I answered it and she wasn't there.
I don't know what I'm doing anymore, I'm writing this here just to get it out I guess. I handle things pretty well, this isn't my first loss and certainly won't be my last, but I feel like I should have known that she was going soon, that I should have answered that call or called her right back, and it wont' stop bothering me. I know it's a natural human feeling and that I shouldn't blame myself, but somehow I'm just having a lot of trouble not dwelling on it. I missed the last chance I had to talk to her-or at least that's how it feels, and I just want her to know that I'm so sorry for that.
Her name was Robin. I put her numbers in my phone as Rockin' Robin just because she really did rock, she was an awesome friend and she didn't deserve to go, she was just in her mid-40's and left behind at least two sons. I only knew her for a little more than a year but it felt like so much longer than that, we were friends from the day we met and I hope and pray that she knows how much I cared. I haven't really had a solid belief about God since I was a teenager, but if Heaven is what everyone says it is, then she's there and she's with her daughter now and that's okay with me. I just want her to know that I'm glad she's happy and I miss her a lot. She was like a mother to me in a way, since my own mother is almost a thousand miles away right now and Robin gave me hugs when I needed them, let me cry with her and I tried real hard to do the same.
I just don't know how to get rid of this guilty feeling, that's all.....maybe it will just take time, but right now I just have to let someone know how beautiful of a person she was inside and how much it hurt to lose her, just wanted someone to know that she was very dear to me and that I won't ever forget her.
Robin, keep on rockin' up there. Cari loves you very much, and she will never forget you.
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  #2  
Old July 11th, 2011, 19:25
hannahf hannahf is offline
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Hi,

I am so sorry for your loss. I'll start off by saying I know exactly how you feel about the guilt, and I know you say your belief in God isn't strong but I believe if God wanted her to live longer he would have made it happen. If God wanted you to call her back he would have made you remember. If you had called her back you might have heard words from her that were hard to take in. I don't know for sure about what she would have spoken to you about, but I do know that it sounds like you loved her very much and she definitely knew it.

She is looking down on you thinking what a wonderful friend you were to her. So please don't feel guilty and beat yourself up.

You sound like an amazing caring friend and anyone would be lucky to have you in their life, she was very lucky to have such a friend. You gave her comfort and company during your friendship and one day you will meet her again. She will know you are sorry and she wouldn't want you to carry on being miserable.

I hope my words were of some help to you.

Take care

Hannah x
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