Lost my best friend, spouse having trouble understanding
Hello everyone. I am new here. I had to find something, someway to get help, someone to talk to. I just recently lost my best friend of ten years to a battle with cancer. She, like me, was only in her early twenties. I miss her so much it is insane. Feelings are different from day to day. Somedays, I feel like all I want to do is forget about it – and I feel like I might be able to. Somedays, like today, I feel like I can't go on like this. It is these days that I need the most support, and it is these days that I am least likely to get it. My husband and I have been married for almost a year – it will be our one year anniversary on the 30th of this month. He is a wonderful man and husband, but I often find myself becoming very angry with him because, understandably, it is impossible for him to grasp what I am going through. Still, I wish he would tread lightly all the time and treat me as fragile during this time, remembering at least that I am going through something very difficult even though I do not always show that I am. I try to be more transparent so that he knows that I am sad, but he doesn’t seem to get it and I HATE having to say it. I feel like he doesn’t deserve to know if I have to keep reminding him. It also feels crass to me to say, “I am feeling sad about my friend.” Or, “Yes, this is about her.” Or, “Please remember that I am grieving.” I still say it sometimes, but I hate saying it. I have also tried having overarching talks with him where I say, “I am really torn up about this, on levels that I don’t even know about yet, and I really need you to remember that I am constantly grieving, though it may not always looks like it.” It also feels that all my emotions run together – if we are fighting about something else, I suddenly become very sad about my friend and just want support from him, but we are already arguing and he’s already mad at me.
I was just wondering if anyone else has had this trouble with a spouse or significant other not understanding about the loss of a loved one, and that feeling like a huge problem to you? I’d also love to hear from absolutely anyone right now, as honestly, I’m feeling incredibly alone.