my great auntie Pam
last april the 11th my great auntie Pamela died from lung cancer/stroke/pneumonia (sp?) she sadly for me passed away at the worst time absolutely possible just 13 days after my best friend ever Jackie passed away shockingly & suddenly aged 35!! & also just a short while after enduring 2 horrific assaults in a space of 3 months!
Also the day she passed away was already quite a difficult day as it was, as it was the day i first met the love of my life who had ended up ripping my heart to shreds when he revealed he was gay!
So as you can imagine all that was absolutely painful & agonising as it is!
But what also didn't help was the fact that i had no one to help me through the pain/distress (the only person who i did have to turn to in times of stress having just passed away) & also that day I almost got run over by a maniacal driver speeding along round a corner!!
that left me under a lot of stress & caused me to break down in tears like you would not imagine!!
the other difficult things for me were that I had had to see her deteriorate for 4 & a half years of lung cancer & watch her continue to smoke despite her cancer & also going to appointments with her at the hospital & dealing with an insensitive mcmillan nurse too further added to my distress!!
add to that the fact that I had already been through similar when i was almost 11 years old & my nana Cynthia Passed away of breast cancer (i had to watch her painfully deteriorate over many long years & it was an agonising & scary thing for a child believe me!!)
then on top of all this i have been dealing with the anger & frustration that she carried on smoking!! It really annoys & angers me that she knew i have been through a life of absolute utter hell & seeing her sister deteriorate slowly & painfully for many years had left me extremelly scarred & scared of death! Plus all manner of other hells i have been through in my life (way way way too many to mention here & that is another thing altogether anyway) she was my only "decent" relative i had left!!
all others have either died or the other relatives i have that are alive are beyond horrible & don't care for nobody but themselves! they are a horrible spiteful backstabbing bunch!!
soo i have a lot of frustration that she would have the chemo etc but then continue to smoke!! what was the point of that for goodness sake??
it just really frustrates me & causes me so much pain & unanswered questions!!
Also more pain i have to endure is that i didn't get to say goodbye to her (long story to do with my injuries after assault stopping me travelling to manchester)
i last saw her 11 months before she died which is painful
but what was also hard was having to be there at the funeral with my uncle (her husband) who had previously been well ... perverse towards me shall we say....
It was extremelly stressful & something i didn't need right at that moment in time when i was already going through enough grief & torment as it was!!
to add to all that stress & torment i had to spend 3 night sleeping over at the flat they lived in & sleeping in the exact spot she had died!! That gave me the creeps to say the least!!
To say that last year was a nightmare was the absolute understatement of the centuary & to be honest i don't think i am anywhere near getting over it all & i guess is it any wonder??
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