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  #1  
Old May 3rd, 2012, 13:11
Pegoyd Pegoyd is offline
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Default Heartbroken beyond words

I'm sorry in advance as this maybe long, I don't know who to turn to or what I'm going to write so I will just type...

We lost our beloved Staffy on 30th April, we had to make the choice to put him to sleep, the most painful choice I have ever had to do, he looked so sad and I cant get the image out of my head....I know its only been 2 days but my heart is hurting like I have never ever felt before.

We have had Lloyd since he was 8 weeks old, along side his sister Peggy, they were inseparable, never ever been apart in the 10 and a half years we have had them, these two staffys were our two babies. I had to miscarriages and after suffering the second we decided to give up for a while and get two dogs, and that's why we have Peggy and Lloyd.

I'm going to now just talk about Lloyd, but you must know I feel exactly the same way about Peggy, but she is still here next to me as I type

Everybody loved Lloyd, he wasn't your normal Staff, he was a wimp and a little nervous boy, we dint know why as he had always been loved from day one....I think maybe I mothered him way too much , they slept in our bed, took the covers from us, life was just them...he was an absolute one in a million dog, so unique and so odd lol, makes me smile thinking of the stupid things hes done...

I fell pregnant again in 2007 and this time was a success, we had Ronnie in 2008, and Peggy and Lloyd were just BRILLIANT with him, looked after him, played with him, just so so brilliant...

Both dogs have never been poorly, we have been so lucky really....

About a month ago Lloyd started coughing here and there, we didn't really take too much notice and carried on life, about 3 weeks ago he become very breathless all the time so we took him to the vets who said he had fluid on the lungs and pneumonia, he was given tablets and we was told to go back once the tablets had finished (2 weeks), we had a bit of joy thinking he would get better....on Saturday 28th April his condition started getting worse, he could hardly breath but was eating and drinking, so we thought maybe its the tablets, so we gave him lots of cuddles and affection...

On Sunday it was a different story, he was so so poorly, he didn't want us to cuddle him, kiss him, he looked frightened, we took him to the emergency vet who gave him a water injection to release some of the fluid around his lungs, we were told to take him home as his breathing was bad and he needed to take him home to be comfortable and to take him back to the surgery first thing...that night was awful, I was so scared and upset

Next morning we took him the vets who when examining said it didn't look good and they would run tests and we were to phone them midday, we went home, 20 minutes after getting home the vet called and said we must go back now as they were losing him (my heart is crumbling as I write this), we went back and poor Lloyd was on oxygen, his whole body was infected and there was absolutely nothing they could do for him, and he would be alive for a few hours, but we decided to have him put to rest there and then as we couldn't see him suffer, it was the MOST HEARTBREAKING THING EVER..I am so glad we was with him the whole time

The guilt and the hurt is unbearable, I dint sense him around me in spirit at all, I feel this is because he wasn't put to sleep at home and was somewhere strange, he hasn't come to me or given me a sign he is OK and that he still loves me, I'm hurting so much, we have his ashes at home with us and he sleeps next to us, I cant quite believe he is gone, snatched so quickly...

Peggy is so sad, I'm wondering how she is feeling, they have never been apart since they were born, over 10 years ago....now I'm thinking Lloyd hates me for all the times he was a little ratbag and I told him off.....that's all I can think about is when I told him off and how I wish I hadn't,

I cant eat, sleep, stop crying, I cant even have my 4 year old child around me being so normal (I know its not his fault), I just want Peggy with me....I miss Lloyd like I never ever could imagine, I just want to die so I can be with him and he isn't on his own, hes was so vulnerable.....I want this pain to go away, I want him home with me....please someone help me...please xx

Jodie

Rest in Peace my lovely beautiful boy, I cant wait for the day to come when we are together again xxxxxxxxx
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  #2  
Old May 3rd, 2012, 13:19
hazelharris hazelharris is offline
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hi pegoyd you are not alone in your grief we are here and i will send you a message shortly hazel
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  #3  
Old May 3rd, 2012, 14:33
Pegoyd Pegoyd is offline
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Thank you xxxx
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Old May 3rd, 2012, 14:57
hazelharris hazelharris is offline
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hi jodie i am so sorry for your loss and i really understand how you are feeling i have gone through it all lost my henry a few months ago but i won't talk about that as that is my grief and i am here to add a few words of comfort to you love is love no matter wether it is to a husband wife child friend or pet and when we lose them it's devistating those that have never had a dog can never understand the love we feel for them and when we lose them it's the loss of a member of your family
whenever we lose a loved one we look for things to hurt ourselves with to feel guilty over anything i don't understand why but we do and you are thinking of all the times you told him off of course you told him off dogs can get out of hand at times they are not robots and need discipline it is an impossibility to have a pet and never tell them off it's needed to make them sociable and for their safety so don't beat yourself up over it
poor lloyd he was so ill and you have to accept that as much as you wanted him to stay with you his illness was causing him considerable pain you loved him so much would you have wanted him just to survive just for you but in pain hardly breathing distressed no you loved him and in this love and compassion you freed him you put him first and did a selfless loving act not one to ever feel guilty over
the way i have always dealt with it is to remind yourself so many animals are treated cruelly we hear of horrendous acts on defenceless animals but lloyd came to you and you gave him a wonderful life he couldn't have wanted more than the life you gave him so remember all the good times you had and soon you will just remember him with a smile on your face instead of tears
jodie you have a beautiful son who needs you more than any one be strong for him because he will pick up on all this grief and not understand what is going on and will become frightened if you have a garden pick a nice spot to bury lloyds ashes and the two of you plant some flowers for him in rememberance give peggy extra attention she will be sad for a while but your son must be your priority look to all what you have in your life and remember you gave lloyd the best life he could have wished for love hazelxx
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  #5  
Old May 3rd, 2012, 15:17
Pegoyd Pegoyd is offline
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Thank you Hazel for your kind words, I know I need to be here for Ronnie and I am trying, but I break down at any given moment! The most selfish thought I have ever had was last night, I wanted to fall asleep and not wake up just so I could be with Lloyd, he was such a vulnerable boy and im so scared he is alone and frightened....

I read most peoples heartaches and stories and how they take great comfort in getting signs from the beloved pets that they are ok and happy and how some pets stay with them....I have had nothing like that, the space feels empty...

We are keeping his ashes until (god forbid) Peggy goes, we can reunite them again as they were such close dogs....I miss him so much, I cant eat, I barely sleep, im just like a zombie, and for a few moments I forget hes gone and then bam it hits me even harder....

I just wish I had known he was poorly, I dont understand how 3 weeks ago he was happily playing and being him til now...dead...its not fair...

My family feels so incomplete without him

Thank you for listening and taking time to share your thought

Jodie xxx
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  #6  
Old May 3rd, 2012, 16:26
hazelharris hazelharris is offline
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hi jody 3 weeks is a short time for lloyd to be poorly we must be thankful he didn't have a long lingering illness which would have been devistating for you and lloyd that's how quickly some dogs go downhill lloyd is not alone and frightened think of him happy in a doggy heaven all the other dogs are there playing together and all the love from everyone in heaven i have no doubt at all my dear husband who recently passed away was the biggest dog lover you would ever meet he would never see a dog unloved and lonely or frightened he loved them all he would have greeted lloyd in heaven and loved him i want you to think of him there with all that love
i have lost two very much loved dogs and never as yet felt any presence from them so don't despair over this i think they are too busy enjoying themselves
it is early days for you in your loss so give yourself time to recover ronnie needs his happy mum back so try to bepossitive in the day and in the evening when he's in bed sit by yourself for a little while and think of the good life you gave lloyd i know this will be hard but i pray each day it may get easier for you hazelxxx
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Old May 4th, 2012, 05:06
hazelharris hazelharris is offline
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hi jody been thinking of you last night you were in my prayers and i hope you can make a small step towards your recovery starting today it will be hard for you but find courage in your way forward for the sake of all your family and yourself you should be proud not so sad in the life you gave lloyd you will miss him dreadfully i know but remember him with joy not tears hazelxxx
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  #8  
Old May 4th, 2012, 13:55
hazelharris hazelharris is offline
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hi jody just to let you know you are in my thoughts met a lady in my shop today in the same situation as you she was very upset her poochy seemed to have had the same as lloyd she took him home from the vets instead of letting him pass away she said it was a big mistake and he suffered agony in the night so she is now feeling the guilt that she didn't have the heart to let him go when she should have so it shows you whatever we do we beat ourselves up on the desitions we make love hazelxx
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  #9  
Old May 5th, 2012, 06:52
Pegoyd Pegoyd is offline
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Hello Hazel

Thank you for your kind words, I have been terrible these past few days, feeling completely awful and just missing my beautiful Lloyd so very much, I have not had any sort of sign still to let me know he is OK I have started to feel incredible guilt and anxiety that maybe I killed Lloyd, I was always so air freshener happy and spraying all the time, as I was paranoid of the house smelling (mainly of doggies smelly bums ), so I was always spraying things and not thinking about what it could be doing to him.....

Could I have made and started him being poorly and causing him to have breathing difficulties and then pneumonia, did I make him die....I feel so awful, so full of guilt...

Jodie xx
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  #10  
Old May 5th, 2012, 11:05
hazelharris hazelharris is offline
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hi jody all hosehold products are tested meticulously the tests are very very strict if there was a minute chance that any would give health complications to humans or adults they would be banned so get this out of your mind you are looking for something to blame yourself for and there is nothing so stop this at once you gave lloyd a wonderful life and you should be praising yourself and be proud for being a loving caring mum to him he came to a good home you gave him all that love you didn't kill him you loved him none of us human or animal can live forever he came to the end of his very happy life you just have to learn to say goodbye and remember all the joy he gave you love hazelxx
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