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  #1  
Old June 5th, 2013, 05:58
ladyc ladyc is offline
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Unhappy My fiance's mother passed away on my birthday

Last year, my fiances mother very sadly died from cancer on my birthday. It was a very tough time for my partner and of course his family, I also found it very upsetting and more than anything just heartbreaking to see them all so devasted. Such a sad day and a difficult last year. Of course now every year on my birthday it will be the anniversary of her death and its coming up in a few weeks. I really wanted to celebrate my birthday this year, as it was so awful last time and despite everyone saying on the day we will do something another time, it didnt happen so I basically missed it all together, which I am not resentful of at all of course but I did want to try and have a birthday this year. I dont see how that is ever going to be possible now. I was thinking I would like to go away perhaps but when I mentioned it to my partner he basically said it was out of the question and that he would be spending the day with his family and I would just have to accept for the next few years at least thats the way it would be. I did try and say well perhaps we could do something on another day but that was as far as we got as it was late and we just went to bed without talking any more about it. Is it really selfish of me?? I made such a fuss of him on his birthday this year, all I want is a little bit of fuss myself, maybe a night in a hotel or something, I dont want a big party or anything like that. Has this happened to anyone else? I dont mind celebrating on a another day, but should I really be changing my birthday for the rest of my life? I dont know, its going to be sad anyway so maybe I should just forget about it altogether...
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  #2  
Old June 5th, 2013, 11:54
Whitehorse81 Whitehorse81 is offline
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ladyc: this is a hard call. your fiances mother passing on your birthday will always be a fact. However, the day will always be your birthday, a day you want to enjoy. I would say you should ask yourself if you wish to live with this fact for your entire married life? Is your love for each other strong enough to uphold this day (passing/birthday) for the rest of your lives. You deserve a birthday dinner or whatever you wish. Your willing to even change the day you celebrate, tells me your not being selfish.

I wish you the best and have a Happy Birthday when that day arrives.

Jacquie
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  #3  
Old June 5th, 2013, 11:55
tom-fisherman tom-fisherman is offline
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Shalom in Yeshua Ladyc, and welcome to the forum.

Firstly let me tell you that you are not being selfish at all wanting your partner to show you some attention on your birthday. Its what you deserve. Having said that I can understand his desire not to celebrate, but what I dont understand is his desire to be with his family instead of you.

It appears to me that he is not thinking straight just at the moment. Can you tell us more about his family, his dad perhaps, and how you get on with him. Maybe a quiet word with him may cause him to give words of advice to his son. Failing that try to get him to celebrate her life with you, it doesn't have to be morbid, so try and get him to the share happy times he had with her for say an hour of your birthday next year.

May God bless you
Tom
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  #4  
Old June 11th, 2013, 06:03
ladyc ladyc is offline
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Thank you for your replies. Its good to know I am not being entirely selfish and yes I do just think its a difficult subject with him at the moment so he doesnt really mean that he doesnt want to celebrate my birthday at all... I get on with his father really well, in fact he is like a father to me as I dont see my own father at all - he left my mother when I was a baby. I am even going to ask him to give me away at the wedding although he doesnt know yet trying to find the right time My partner has a sister who has children and very busy - too busy to call him despite the fact he rings her at least once a week and most of the time he just leaves messages and never gets a return call -that upsets me and I know it does him but he doesnt let on... The last message he left was that he wanted to discuss what to do on the anniversary and whether to do a bbq or something with the whole family so we could all be together but also celebrate my birthday, which I think is a nice idea but we will see... She hasnt even called him back so havent really got much further with anything at the moment! Just dont know what to do
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  #5  
Old June 13th, 2013, 07:24
tom-fisherman tom-fisherman is offline
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Shalom in Yeshua Ladyc thank you for sharing that with us.

The BBQ seems like a good idea to me and appears that 'dad' has already identified the problem and is trying to sorting out what he can clearly see is affecting both you and your boyfriend. Sounds like a great guy with vision!

With regard to his daughter, I would let them sort themselves out. Don't get involved, just go with the flow. There could be many reasons why she does not contact him as often. Until we can stand in someones shoes we don't really know so be guarded as to what you say or do. Doing and saying nothing is probably best, just be there to support.

May God bless you
Tom
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