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  #11  
Old January 7th, 2012, 00:33
vansgirl43 vansgirl43 is offline
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cljm, you have a good memory. when van and i found each other again, he began to change the cat's name for fun. his original name was speedball. he went through many names including rufus T mayes, bozo the clown, einstein(he would say the cat was so smart-he knows that I love you the most), never-nervous pervis. the last name, and current one, is herman J. webster--herman, for short. thank you for bringing that up--it brought a smile to my face just remembering that. I know it has only been less than 2 weeks since van passed but i was actually wondering if i would ever truly smile again--not just fake one for the sake of others. It is just so hard --and now i am in the unenviable position of having to get a job to support myself asap and I am not really ready to handle it. as for harvey's lake--i have been there a handful of times. i enjoy eating at the grotto and going out on the lake in the summer. i also used to go to the stage and see the country music concerts in the 90's. van and i had some wonderful memories there. i wish i were a cold-weather person--i was born in a warm-weather climate! vansgirl43
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  #12  
Old January 7th, 2012, 09:43
cljm cljm is offline
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vansgirl,

That's funny about the cat's names----I'll bet you and Van shared alot of laughs over it---and I am glad it brought a smile to your face. I too wonder if I will ever truly smile again; passing a mirror, I am not even sure if I recognize who is reflected back at me. I study that face sometimes--it is so unlike what I know myself to be. Yet---yet, I am sure I am inside myself somewhere. It must be that I am still so fragile on the inside that my outer layer serves as a protective covering. Everyday is a "work in progress"---the power of self will to be "right" again. I know I can do this, I have to, but I also know the time will be when the time will be. Though I still feel all the comfort of walking in the valley, I do know that someday I will reach that mountaintop again. It is then that I will begin to live in my new "normal" again. At least that's the PLAN....

I "feel" for you about your job---knowing you have to, but not feeling ready for it. It might though, give you new perspectives---new possibilities. My very wise Grandmother used to tell me--- "Bloom where you are planted" --- look for more of the good and you will see more of it. It's always difficult to make a change--to venture out into the unknown. But again, that "unknown" can present many "possibilities" that serve to help us along.

PIZZA at the GROTTO !! A landmark for sure, but it's just not the same as before the fire. The good ole days at the lake---gee, it takes me back in time. I would give anything to get back to the East coast right now...I AM a cold weather person--having grown up in PA and upstate NY.

The "stage" for concerts---are you meaning down at Sandy Beach?

Hoping you have a good day.
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  #13  
Old January 7th, 2012, 16:20
Marjatta Marjatta is offline
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Hi vansgirl,

I just wanted to add my sympathy for the loss of your beloved Van. As I was reading this thread, I couldn't help but start crying because I feel so much the very same way about my Shaun, and you expressed things so beautifully.

As cljm said, we're all here for you, and sadly, we're all here for the same reason. Cljm's words have comforted me over and over through these forums - a lot of wisdom there as we all work our way through the grieving process.

I also donated Shaun's tissues after his death about two months ago because that is what he wished. Since that time, I received a letter from the Eye Bank of Canada stating that his eyes were used in two sight-restoring surgeries. Just knowing that a part of him continues to live on in others and that he has contributed to their quality of life ... well, he certainly continues to give even after his passing. That's the kind of guy he was.

Tom said, "Death you know is not the end it is just the start of a new existence for Van and you." That is so true! His love for you has no more of a chance of dying than your love for him. Love transcends everything, it truly does.

It is a different relationship you have with Van now, and you will find your way in your own time. Right now, everything is so fresh and raw that it might seem that it will never get easier. But it does and it will.

Unfortunately, there's no fast forward on healing. I keep reaching these plateaus thinking I'm never going to feel differently or better, and then lo and behold, something new inside me starts to form. It's almost like rebuilding oneself from the ground up.

Welcome to the forums and I hope you'll continue to share with us.

Blessings,

Marjatta
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"Fear knocked at the door. Faith answered. And lo, no one was there." ~ Author Unknown
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  #14  
Old January 7th, 2012, 23:16
vansgirl43 vansgirl43 is offline
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cljm, yeah, van and i had a ball with the cat's name. i think he got a bigger kick out of it than i did. i think it is one of the few things i can think back on right now and not cry my eyes out. it is just too soon yet. i did actually do something today that i did not think i would be able to do--it was hard, but i made dinner. i know that probably sounds like a trivial thing but i always made dinner for the 2 of us--now, it's just me. i shared with herman--he was happy to get goodies again. it is a very small step along the path, but it is a start, i guess. i am not sure where the concerts were--just know it was an outdoor stage. i think because i lived the first 6 years of my life in texas--i will never really like the cold--who knows?
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  #15  
Old January 7th, 2012, 23:38
vansgirl43 vansgirl43 is offline
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hi marjatta, first of all, i am so sorry for your loss and that you had to experience such devasting pain. you are right--everything is still so raw. i still spend quite a bit of my time crying. my head tells me that what happened was for the best--at least now van does not have to ask me everyday if he is speaking ok. he did that almost every day for 2 1/2 years. he worried so much about his health. my heart is selfish and wants him here with me. thank you for sharing with me your thoughts and feelings regarding shaun's organ donation. i am glad that i decided to do organ donation--van had no will and never said whether he would want to or not. he was a giving person and i think i did the right thing. i will be getting a letter in a few weeks--i am actually looking forward to finding out about the people he gave life to. it does bring me some comfort. thanks for listening.
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  #16  
Old January 26th, 2012, 07:44
cljm cljm is offline
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vansgirl,

Just wondering how you are doing and letting you know we are thinking of you.
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  #17  
Old January 29th, 2012, 12:05
vansgirl43 vansgirl43 is offline
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cljm, i appreciate you asking about me. the kitty and i are getting through the days one at a time. i have some days when i just have a hard time getting out of bed. i just miss van so much. i do find that when my day has a purpose--it is just a little easier to get through the day ( i have had to take my dad to several dr appts--he has leukemia). the gift of life counselors are going to try to hook me up with a support group in the area. a couple of friends are going to take me to see van in march--when the headstone is there. at least van is looking out for me--the weather here is to my liking--not too cold and no snow--easier to travel! again, thanks for your concern. vansgirl
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  #18  
Old January 29th, 2012, 12:29
cljm cljm is offline
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vansgirl,

So glad you wrote back---I had been thinking of you. I am glad to hear that some of your days are getting a tad easier----and, yes, it does help to have other activities. Sorry to hear about your Father, and I know that also weighs heavily on you.

Great that you are going to seek a support group. The gift of life that you chose for Van was/is a very wonderful thing---- His life lives on.

Just want you to know I am thinking of you and wishing you peace and goodness. Keep in touch.

PS. Hello to "herman".
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  #19  
Old March 4th, 2012, 17:47
dawn21 dawn21 is offline
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Hi vansgirl
My heart goes out to you im so sorry for your loss. van sounded a wonderful man and you need to hold onto your memories.No one knows the pain unless they have experienced it,its a lonely path but having forums like this can offer some comfort. I understood completely when you said you didnt feel ready to look for a job I too feel like that as I worked for my fiance and although his daughters took over the business I have been made redundant. Its hard to cope with grieving and money worries it can be so overwhelming and I wish you luck with that Take care of yourself take each day as it comes some days are easier than others but the roller coaster ride is part of grieving and im glad you are looking to a support group. Herman sounds a good support too, pets are such a comfort, Dave had two dogs but because we didnt live together they live with daves daughters at daves house and i really miss them.You sound a lovely caring person and im sure that van is with you and will give you the strength to get through each day Keep strong take care
hugs dawn21
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  #20  
Old March 7th, 2012, 17:04
vansgirl43 vansgirl43 is offline
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hi dawn 21, First of all, I am sorry for your loss. It is so sad that you are not able to see the dogs--I am sure they would be a great comfort to you. Herman has been a great comfort to me. He has been sleeping with me at night--makes it so much easier. He watches TV and eats with me. I did finally find a job as a personal care aide and was able to pay my rent for March--one less worry. It is hard because I am really not ready to be back to work--I am doing what I have to do. I still miss Van like crazy. This is his time of the year--he was an avid Kentucky Wilcats basketball fan and March Madness is here! Watching college basketball does makes me feel a little closer to him. Thank You for the kind words--I appreciate it. Vansgirl
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