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  #1  
Old July 5th, 2012, 12:08
Lottie Lottie is offline
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Post Guilt

It's been a month since my friend died now, and each day gets worse and worse, because each day I become more and more certain it's my fault she died.

I have a horse and before leaving for university needed someone to care for him whilst I was away. That's when I found Cat. She was a lovely person who had such a love for horses and so she came and cared for and rode my horse everyday, and when I was home weekends we would share responsibilities or ride out together. Now I wish so much that I had never looked for someone, that she had never responded to my advert 8 months ago, because a month ago the unthinkable happened.

I got a call whilst I was at uni to say she'd had a fall on the road and was unconscious. I rushed home, the air ambulance had already taken her. Everyone says everything's a blur in these situations.. but its all so clear. The police, the questions, the hoof marks and blood on the road. Collapsing as someone told me the ambulance men said 'it didn't look good'. The days that followed were the blur, a blur of phone calls from her parents and police as hope slowly dwindled. A few days later she died from her head injuries.

It will get better everyone said. I had this niggling self blame that grew and grew, but I tried to settle with the word accident... I tried to just miss her and focus on that. Then a newspaper twisted the story, and placed the blame on me. They named me, used photos, where I study, everything. I can remember shaking uncontrollably as I read it. But as much as I know newspapers will look for a story it was printed in black and white the way I already felt. Responsible for her death. If she hadn't met me, if I hadn't had that horse, she would be alive today.

I tried to keep going. But now, for a week i've barely been able to leave my room. I don't want to see anyone, I don't know what to say or do. I sleep on and off, dreaming and waking in cold sweats. A doctor came, but only offered antidepressants and counseling, I turned them down. I don't want to be labeled and I don't want someone to sit and listen and give me text book answers when they can't possibly understand. I feel like a murderer. I feel like I should feel like this. People told me my 'rational thoughts' would eventually take over and this guilt would go, but what worries me now is that it is my rational thoughts taking over. That this guilt is totally founded and I am the one responsible.

I can't find joy in anything I once did. I see my horse and I just see her, the yard and farm where I spent so much time is just constant reminders of her, it's like I can hear and see her at every turn. I couldn't face going to her cremation, because I couldn't face seeing her family and friends so sad all because of me. Not that her family have been nasty, the opposite. Her mother even thanked me and my family for the joy the horse and farm gave her and her dad took me to lunch, he recently messaged me saying he hopes I have an enjoyable summer. I can't understand how they don't seem to see I would feel guilt, let alone hold any blame to me.

I don't know what to do or where to turn anymore, I guess this forum is my last hope.

Thank you for reading.
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  #2  
Old July 5th, 2012, 12:58
cal821 cal821 is offline
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Default Lottie ...I'm very sorry for your deep loss

Lottie I have sent you a PM


Cal821
__________________
Memory can only tell us what we were,
in the company of those we loved;
it cannot help us find what each of us, alone, must now become.
Yet no person is really alone;
those who live no more echo still within our thoughts and words,
and what they did has become woven into what we are.

I wish you peace and a level path on your journey...

Cal821
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  #3  
Old July 5th, 2012, 20:08
hazelharris hazelharris is offline
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hi lottie so sorry for your loss and the devistation it is causing you
life is full of ifs if only if i had or if i hadn't every single person can give you an if story to where they are today from the joy of meeting a loved one every incident that we experience the choices we make and also tradgedies where someone we love has died thats what life is about accidents happen to people we can't stop that unfortunately
cat was doing something she loved and you gave her that opportunity not for any reason that would cause this accident to happen it suited you both saying if only is like us all saying we want to turn back the clock but we cant we all have to live and take our own chances in life
the papers can be nasty and twist the facts and i can understand that has made you feel worse if you still have that paper rip it up into pieces and throw it in the bin where it belongs (trash)
cat was a nice person and wouldn't want you feeling like this her family in their grief offered you comfort perhaps if you could speak to them and tell them how you are feeling they may be able to help you overcome your despair
you have nothing to blame yourself for through her you know life can be short and what a tribute it will be to cats memory if you live a fullfiling happy life
we will all be here for you you are not alone and we understand your grief love hazelxxx
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  #4  
Old July 6th, 2012, 12:43
tom-fisherman tom-fisherman is offline
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Shalom in Yeshua Lotte, I am sorry to hear about the passing of cat and the way it has affected you. Please know that I have already said a prayer for you to be comforted. You are amongst friends here.

Firstly when we loose someone we always start by recrimination of ourselves. Its the 'what if' syndrome. What if I had done this or done that. The truth is it was a terrible accident and you are not responsible in anyway shape or form!!

I cannot understand how or why the paper (or should I say gutter press rag) and that low life reported made you out to be something that you are not. What did the tow rag say? They just cannot say what they want to sensationalise a story, and it may be worth while taking legal advice and then you can hurt them in their pocket!!

Her parents clearly don't hold you responsible, and why should they? You have not done anything wrong. This is just you feeling responsible. Please dont think like this. Talk to us, and talk to your family.

May god bless you
Tom
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  #5  
Old July 6th, 2012, 13:21
Lottie Lottie is offline
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Thank you all. I just don't know what to do, how to be happy or how to get this out of my mind. It doesn't leave me for a second. I know that if the accident had been nothing to do with the horse or anything I would be in a different place. I would be missing her and grieving.. but I would be being strong. I have faced other troubles in my life and would normally consider myself a strong and resilient person.. but I cannot live with this huge feeling of responsibility. I know it was in a way put upon me from the beginning (police questions and being the one who they phoned to update on her or ask if her parents could contact me etc), and the newspaper didn't help.. but I would have definitely blamed myself regardless.

Tom - the newspaper used another article that Cat and I had done before on 'horse sharing'. Prior to this her name had not been released and when interviewed my father asked for them not to use any names. But they did. They twisted words from this other article and put 'there is no doubt the horse is unsafe' and made it sound as though I had thought he was unsafe and knowingly put Cat at risk. I have ridden him once since the accident. I know he is not anymore dangerous than any horse can be. It is just this horrible feeling.. like someone has permanently winded me.. that if she hadn't been riding MY horse.. it would not have happened to her. I know there are always the 'what ifs', but this has now become, to me, as though I am the complete cause. (sorry im going round in circles).

I have spoken with my family. In the beginning I could be around and speak with more people but now there is hardly anyone I want to see. My parents are facing troubles of their own and I know have had enough, they are worried I know, but they simply cannot be my strength right now. I have an aunt who has been there for me all my life and I am trying to talk to her. I know that all that got me through this past month was the thought that this guilt would go, that it would be lifted and I could miss her and carry her with me like all her other friends. Instead it is getting worse and worse. Last night I went for a walk. We have her car here and I sat in it. I don't know why. Looking for comfort, answers, anything at all I suppose. And it then occurred to me that maybe she blames me too, maybe she is angry and would be had she survived.

Thank you all so much. My aunt said to me that going through something like this might one day mean I can help someone else, and I can see that that is what it has enabled all of you to do.

Last edited by Lottie : July 6th, 2012 at 15:55.
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  #6  
Old July 6th, 2012, 16:36
hazelharris hazelharris is offline
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hi lottie you couldn't go to university until someone looked after your horse what if you drove there and had a terrible accident that took your life and you could see from heaven cat distraught saying if i said no to lottie about looking after the horse she wouldn't have gone that day and she would still be here i,m sure you would be thinking this is dreadful she shouldn't feel any guilt it's no ones fault accidents happen and you would try to send love and comfort down to her look at it from this perspective you are not to blame
all animals can be a danger a horse can slip or be startled by something cat wanted to look after your horse please try to stop blaming yourself
your aunt is right a gift the departed leave with us with their love is the ability to help others as we understand more what losing a loved one is like in the future you will use it and it will be a tribute to cat and her memory
you are with friends here who will listen and help you along the way you are not alone
love hazelxx
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  #7  
Old July 6th, 2012, 19:45
Lottie Lottie is offline
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I'm trying, today has been a day where i've at least left my room, if only for a short while. A friend took me for a drive and we talked, I didn't cry.. I wanted to.. I wish I had... as that lump in my throat is still there. But having someone helped, and it used up time. And it wasn't like I was repeating myself to her, as we hadn't spoken before about it.

Some people tell me this guilt will go, that it is not founded, that is all I can cling to right now, that one day I might believe that. Will I? I did believe them in the beginning, but now it feels like its been with me so long and it's just rooting itself more and more, if that makes sense. I watched something on tv and there was a guy who had murdered by mistake.. and all I could think was that's me.

I do hope Cat doesn't or wouldn't blame me, but it was just this new feeling, new worry that hadn't occurred to me before. I stood there, by my horse, in the dark, the rain lashing down..(now im sounding crazy) just hoping for comfort and instead I got that. And I still cannot understand how her parents wouldn't even see that I would feel this way, let alone blame me themselves. I feel as though I am the sole cause and can't believe that hasn't occurred to them. My aunt is in contact with them, I don't know what she is going to say but I wonder if she is going to tell them how I feel.

I'm sure i'm repeating myself. I know I am. I guess it's the same thoughts going round and round in my head. But it really helps to have the words of others because, even if just for a second, they offer comfort and being able to sit here and write this gives, again just for a while, some release.

Thank you again.
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  #8  
Old July 6th, 2012, 20:21
hazelharris hazelharris is offline
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hi lottie if you had been on this site and just told us all of this sad story of cats accident it would never occured to anyone not in a million years that this was your fault it wouldn't have even crossed our minds
this blaming yourself is what you are doing not others the shock of what happened is affecting your judgement it's the grief the loss of your friend and the shock it's thrown you into despair try to be kind to yourself your a caring person not someone to be blamed for an accident
you have friends who care for you listen to what they are saying and an aunt who loves you i hope she is able to get some kind words from cats family and hopefully that will help you
i'm glad the posting is helping you the more you can talk and have the support you deserve the quicker you will realise your thoughts are unfounded
we will be here for you every day and i pray you can find some peace we are taught on here our loved ones can here us if we talk to them perhaps you can sit and talk to cat you may feel the love she will be sending to you light a candle and open up your heart to her i don't think i know she will send her love down to embrace you and comfort you
i send to you a big hug and will send you a message later todayto see how you are love hazelxx
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  #9  
Old July 7th, 2012, 10:26
tom-fisherman tom-fisherman is offline
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Shalom in Yeshua Lottie, you are getting yourself in a bit of an emotional mess here. The only person blaming anyone here is you blaming yourself.

You need to sit down and ask yourself some questions. Did you ask Cat to ride that day? Did you know that the horse was dangerous to ride? Did you spook the horse causing her to fall? You already know the answer to these questions.

What I would suggest that you do is spend a few minutes with cat. If you have something that belonged to her, or something that she used, take hold of it. Then talk to her like she was opposite to you. Tell her how you feel, tell her how sorry you are for her accident, and ask her to forgive you.

Now the reason I say this to you is because my bothers and sisters in faith are taught that when we 'go home' we go into Sheol the spirit world. There we are greeted by angels who educate us and purify us from the impurities of the earth, before we ascend to higher levels and heaven. While there we are taught that they can hear what we say. They are also enveloped in the peace and love of the Father. To her she will not have the capacity to have anything other than love for you and her family. Can you see where I am going with this?

The point is even if you were in some way responsible (which you aren't) she wouldn't feel anything but love for you. She will want you to be out of these feelings so please do as I ask and talk to her. You will feel so much better knowing she loves you still!!

May God bless you
Tom
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  #10  
Old July 7th, 2012, 10:57
gumek gumek is offline
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Default not guilty

hello lotte, so sorry for the loss of your friend, have read all the replys and i can't add anything more to what has already been said dear friend. But can i ask you please to not be so hard on yourself. When giult comes upon us it is so hard to stop worrying and blaming ourselves but it is a choice we can all make. If it will help you dear lotte, would you allow our friends here to listen and support you and maybe sometimes give some caring advice, we are all here to help where we can, please keep in touch, but please try and let this guilt go for you are not. i will remember you in my prayers.

love and kind regards

chrissie.
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