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  #1  
Old July 3rd, 2009, 15:01
nicolediver nicolediver is offline
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Default Feeling nothing.

Okay, I'm sorry if this post gets a bit long - please bear with me, or don't - it's up to you. It's good to get this all out coherently even if no-one reads it.
Here goes:

One of my close friends committed suicide a few days ago (Saturday to be exact, but she died on Tuesday and I found out on Wednesday) and I'm feeling nothing at all at the moment. Before I make myself sound callous, I'll explain that I certainly have been very emotional over the last two days, but all those feelings have dissipated suddenly. I don't even feel "hollow" or "empty", just nothing. In a way, it feels like I've already completely accepted it and am prepared to move on, but this must be too soon and I know that our mutual friends are still devastated etc.

I have cried a lot over the last 48 hours, but not once today. I cried uncontrollably when I heard the news (I know some people were too shocked to cry straight away, but of course everyone reacts differently). I cried when I told my mum. I cried twice at my friend's house when we all met up to support each other (I think I was the only one who did cry in front of everyone at that point). Some of us stayed over at this friend's house that night and it took me 3 hours to get to sleep even though it was 2am and I was tired. Every time I thought about her I felt physically sick and had to listen to upbeat songs on my mp3 player to drown out my thoughts.

The next day we all went into school (I'm 18 by the way, and we've just finished our exams and officially left school) to talk to our head of year. I cried again in front of everyone when she met us, and I nearly cried in the headteacher's office.
Later that day, I went back home and cried about four more times: when I read a beautiful message written by a mutual friend about our last day together; when I started writing an e-mail to my brother about it; and twice because my parents were acting so... normal, as if nothing had happened.

However, I went quickly to sleep last night and woke up feeling.. nothing. I visited the parents with a couple of friends and should have cried then - both of my friends started crying as we left, and the mother was also in tears, but I just couldn't. I didn't feel anger, guilt, resentment either - all of which I'd felt at some point the day before.

I don't want to speak to any of my friends particularly, even though yesterday that's all I wanted to do. I don't feel depressed or very lethargic - I've been able to enjoy watching Wimbledon and playing my violin. I don't like this numbness though - it makes me feel guilty. The girl in question had attempted suicide four times previously, and she always told me that I would only miss her for a bit but soon get over it. I hate to think that she was right about it - there's no reason why I shouldn't miss her terribly, I loved her a lot and she really is irreplaceable. I know people always say that about someone they've lost, but she was different from anyone I'll ever meet (which may be one of the reasons she felt she didn't belong).

Only her close friends and family knew about her previous attempts, and I know that some people must still be in denial and not able to grieve properly yet. Is it possible that because it didn't come as so much of a shock to me, I have managed to really get over it this quickly? I find it hard to believe... but it's becoming harder to remember her voice. I don't want to ever forget anything about her, because we had so many amazing and funny memories. But it's not painful to think about her, and I know it should be...

I'm going to end here - thank you for your patience if you've read this far. If anyone has any advice or can help to explain why I feel this way (or rather, don't feel) then please go ahead - it'll be much appreciated.
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Old July 7th, 2009, 20:42
jadebear jadebear is offline
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((((big hugs)))) .....
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Old July 11th, 2011, 18:28
hannahf hannahf is offline
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I am sorry I have only just seen this,

but reading your post it was clear to me you loved your friend very much, you may have stopped crying but that didn't mean you didn't feel anything. It's not about the length of time you shed tears, but about your fond memories and thoughts of your loved one.

Take care

Hannah
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