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scooby75 February 17th, 2014 12:00

Being compared to my deceased dad
My dad died a few months ago. Recently, family members, especially my mother, have been making comparisons between him and me, and it's frankly getting right on my nerves.

It's usually thing like "well your dad liked it" or "your dad didn't do that".

Any suggestions on how I respond to these comments? I don't want to respond in the way I nearly did the other day. I was on a bit of a downer and hadn't had a shave for a few days. My mum said "Even your dad when he was ill got a shave every day".

I just went out the room, because what I really wanted to scream was "Well it didn't do him any f***ing good at the end of the day, did it?".

It's not just the comparisons either. I can't have a conversation with my mother without it involving dad in some way or other. I know the loss has affected her and I appreciate that, but what am I supposed to say to her?

hazelharris February 17th, 2014 13:35

hi scooby 75 i m so sorry for your dads passing it's only been a few weeks and please try and understand when we lose a very close loved one we use every opportunity to mention them in a way it's like trying to keep them with us his name can in some way be included in every conversation it's just a way of coping with the grief Your mum is grieving in her own way just like you are with yours please don't fly off the handle if it's annoying you and it obviously is your mum is hurting enough don't add to her pain When the time is right sit and talk to your mum tell her you will share and talk together of your memories of dad and if you feel you have to you can say in a calm way comparisons arn't helping you get through your own grief Please let your mum talk she feels as if her world has ended she is in despair it will in the end give her acceptance with her loss if she isn't able to talk and she has to withold her feelings she will never find some peace to move forward This phase of talking constantly won't last forever gradually she will start to talk of the ordinary day to day topics as well it just takes time
how are YOU coping does anyone ask you we can get bogged down in our own sadness sometimes families forget others are trying to get through it as well I am concerned how you are please know you can come and talk to us on here sometimes it helps to talk to someone outside the circle of family and friends who is just there to offer friendship we have all lost loved ones on here we understand it all unfortunately we know your pain and will always be here for you love hazel

j's daughter February 18th, 2014 16:08

Message deleted.

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