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steve1971 June 10th, 2016 17:29

Almost 6 months still seems like yesterday
My wife died dec 26 but actually suffered a massive stroke dec 23.On the 24th we knew she was gone and it was only the machines that kept her alive.I waited till the 26th because i didn't want her to die on christmas. 6 hours later she was gone. now i live with my son.Things are not working out the way they were suppose to. I pray to God every night to let me come and be with her again. Today i started to consider buying a tent and going it alone some where else. i was on heart medicine i have quit taking it.i had like 10 pills aday iwas taking now i just want to take her ashes and dissapear into the wilderness that we both loved so much.i just want to be with her again. my heart is broken and i wish God would reunite us,oh by the way she was only 44 and i am 53

cal821 June 11th, 2016 00:27

My deepest condolences Steve
Please accept my deepest sympathizes Steve.

I have been where you are now. Heart breaking with each passing day... You have made your first small steps of many in the right direction. You came here to this forum and were able to start writing in your pain. Every little bit helps believe it or not..

Are you currently attending any counselling? Is there someone you can turn to just to be able to talk.
I know the pain and misery you are feeling .. very well.. as I lost my wife from injuries sustained in MVA... same sort of conclusion as your dear wife as well. Its been 8 years this July 30th for me.. I can close my eyes and I can see that horrible day in a instant again. But it doesn't control me like it once did. Its taken a lot of counselling and working through the pain to get to where I am today. I stay back on this forum to try and help offer suggestive advice and my thoughts on healing and recovery.. I'm just further down the path than some and I can always leave some sense of direction for those that are searching for anything to stop the downward spiral... I'm not an expert or a know it all just someone who has been well schooled through repetitive deep losses in their life..

Steve no matter how bad your hurting right now for your sake and your sons get back on your heart pills and start taking care of yourself. You owe that to your dear wife. I know exactly where your coming from with the gaping two foot hole you have in your chest right now .. where your heart once was.. I know that raw pain.. You have got to try to hang in there.. get some help even if its a quick drop in to see a counsellor, your GP ,or even a religious mentor. The tail- spin you have been in for the last 6 months will start to slow as time passes but you have to reach out and put your foot down and try to stop or slow the spin. Its now about survival.. You need to reach out and help yourself.. Try to get some help and start talking.. if you cant talk about what your feeling right now start writing if you can.. Anything you can do for yourself right now will help you .. you just need to take a small step..

Your life is not the same anymore or will it ever be. This is part of the process of being broken open... shattered and rewired.. Its a new life now and you owe it to yourself and your dear wife to start to slowly pick up the pieces again.

I have posted and written a lot of my thoughts and hard learned lessons on this site. If your up to it feel free to read some. It may give you a little clarity in this time where everything is upside down. Just try to take it one day at a time.. small steps.. be gentle with yourself and your son.. Its the hardest point to be at in the journey your now unfortunately on. The pain will always be there but in time as you learn to cope in this new life the jagged gash in your heart will slowly heal.. the scars will always be there as a reminder but in time you just get used to the numb pain.

Steve please take care of yourself and know your in my thoughts and prayers.

I wish you peace for your shattered heart... just hang in there and believe me I know where you are right now in this part... just one breath at a time try to stay strong and when you feel you can't lean on your son.. your both in the same boat on this journey. He is going to help you get through this rough part.

Dave ( AKA CAL821)

JankaH June 16th, 2016 17:03

Hang in there,Steve!

Originally Posted by steve1971 (Post 16605)
My wife died dec 26 but actually suffered a massive stroke dec 23.On the 24th we knew she was gone and it was only the machines that kept her alive.I waited till the 26th because i didn't want her to die on christmas. 6 hours later she was gone. now i live with my son.Things are not working out the way they were suppose to. I pray to God every night to let me come and be with her again. Today i started to consider buying a tent and going it alone some where else. i was on heart medicine i have quit taking it.i had like 10 pills aday iwas taking now i just want to take her ashes and dissapear into the wilderness that we both loved so much.i just want to be with her again. my heart is broken and i wish God would reunite us,oh by the way she was only 44 and i am 53

Dear Steve,

how would I start?There is so much to talk to,but I try to do it shortly before I burst into tears.Its been 4 years,7 months and 6 days tonight and all I can say is that I was able to cope with my pain still horrible so far,but I cant cope with the loneliness by now,because my beloved man Jan is the best,my most beautiful,only one and irreplaceable for me forever!He died so suddenly from morning till night.He wasnt old,ailing or ill.It were the doctors who killed him!This fatal error of them took his life.He died 11.11.11 at 1.I was only 30+ and its harder all the more that I have no children,no close family,just 4 best friends of mine and my belief in God who saved my life and soul,keeping me going on the way I do in loving memory of my beloved man until I meet him again,being as one,for eternity.You can read my story on the thread "The loss of my beloved man".As the first it was my work I was going at all the time,already the next day after I got to know about my worst loss and the hardest wound Ive ever felt in my whole life.Those scars I have at the bottom of myself are reminders of my greatest love I feel for my beloved Jan forever.There are many problems I have to figure out all alone and my heart starts bleeding everytime I feel that someone touches my scars.It still hurts and all the more now.It was May,month of love,my beloved Jans anniversary,his heavenly birthday and mine too that we used to celebrate together.Its very hard and sad,more than words can say,but God helps me all the time and Ive got many signs from my beloved Jan by now that I take for real miracles in my life.As I said the first was my work helping me to go through to do not think of my misery too much.Later it were the best friends of mine helping me as much as possible,because I had to leave the job I had till then because of things between these two worlds I experienced at that time,exactly 1 year and almost 7 months ago,that made my belief in God so strong that it absolutely changed my life to find a peace and a sense in life again.I was always believing in God,but now its something keeping me going on to live any better life that has been helping me to stand everything I have to go through.So the first it was my work for making me busy all the time,later it were my friends helping me the most and then my belief in God that is my biggest help now.From the beginning I had to be very strong,without any pills for sleep or anxiety,without the things like that.I had no support groups here,nothing like that,just a work,those best friends of mine and my belief in God.The biggest problem for me now is the loneliness going on hand in hand with anxiety.They both try to be another best friends of mine and theyre very persistent and faithful friends.I try to make friends in the church I go to almost every day and those strong bonds with my best friends are getting stronger too.So its friendship and belief in God that helps me the most now.Id go on talking this way,but it breaks my heart,so I truly hope it can somehow help you.

Im also here for you to be a support,comfort and friend you need to talk to.

Im very sorry for your loss and wish you a lot of strength through this dismal trek.Youre not alone.Send you hugs from the heart.

With love Janka

:Goodbye: :Winking: :smile:

steve1971 June 21st, 2016 22:14

Don't know where to turn
Sunday June 26th it will be six months.Am i receiving counsling;no. Before my wife passed i had straight medicare and medicaid as my secondary and also received extra help witch meant they also paid my medicare premium.We received $225 in food stamps.When she passed i reported it to DHS. I received a letter not to long after that in which they were sorry for my loss but the only help i was going to get from them $16 a month in food stamps. So now i am on straight medicare and trying to keep my bills paid up on my primary doctor and my pain doctor.I have to drop my cardioligest. any further tests are now unafordable let alone theripast.I feel as i was handed the hurry up and die insurrance program. Tonight i think of ways to just dissapear with the ashes of my wife and go live in some wooded spot until my time finaly comes we always loved the woods and thats where we wanted our ashes spread.well anyway mental health issues i have to deal with on my own

cal821 June 22nd, 2016 11:51

Steve I get it
Steve I understand you have a ton of issues going on right now in your life. I cannot imagine the intense stresses you are feeling.. Please understand I meant no offence in offering suggestions about counselling for your grief and pain. I'm sorry I had no idea of what you are currently dealing with financially and health wise as well.

If I can make a suggestion though... if you would hear me out on this. Please consider calling 1-800-273-TALK (8255). When you feel you cant take it all anymore. What I do know is when you hurting already bad enough to keep getting kicked when you already down is a horrible experience. The whole process makes you want to chuck in the towel and Say &^$$ it.

You have to fight that urge..believe me.

I had a similar thought process when I went through it. And also faced a huge financial boondoggle, and battle with relatives after my wife's death. My three little daughters 6,3 and 15 months at the time were what brought me back from the edge. I wont lie... it took several years to try to get things to a point where we could just survive. But still to this day I have not been able to fully recover financially and am still struggling with the debts that were incurred. Its been 8 years July 30th for me. I tell you this only as point that I do understand the struggle and I'm not trying to subvert the issues here . We are speaking about you and not me...

Steve all I'm saying is there are some resources out there for you to get some help if you are willing to try.

I know the its very easy to want to take the path of least resistance and say &$&* it. But believe me your action would affect a great many people though you don't see it right now. If I could make another suggestion because I don't know if you are a religious person. May I suggest you speak to a local pastor, priest, or cleric. as I said keep talking about what your going through... Though you may not feel its helping it actually is.. And believe me it does help with this horrible experience you are going through right now... A please don't get caught up in falling back into your pain because you feel you don't want to burden some one.. That is a vicious circle of a trap widowers will fall into.

I don't know what more I could add here or suggest.. I think right now you have to decide what you want to do here for yourself.

Steve this whole &$&$! experience you face right now is all about learning to cope. In my own subjective opinion I really believe that we are here on this piece of rock to learn.
With each experience in this life we increase our energy and our knowledge by experiencing the polar aspects of all there is to know.
Our knowledge gives us an appreciation and understanding that makes us ever more complete with each new experience.
In other words, we learn from experiencing both sides of every possibility.

*In order to fully understand and appreciate kindness, we must experience cruelty.
*In order to fully understand and appreciate joy, we must experience depression, suffering and upset.
* In order to fully understand and appreciate health, we must experience sickness.
*In order to fully understand and appreciate comfort, we must experience discomfort in one way or another.
* To truly understand and appreciate Life we must suffer though a death of some one or something truly close to us.

And so it goes for every possible experience that exists, we experience both sides of the spectrum in order to understand and appreciate the opposite.

In my opinion.. We are meant to learn from every good and bad situation in this life. And a loss of those close to us is a driving force of change that starts us on the journey of understanding.

I know this may sound like a bunch of Metaphysical bullshit right now to you.. but in time if you decide to stick around .. that this actually does make sense in what I'm saying..

I will leave you here and hope you will consider my words and suggestive advice.

I wish you peace brother and I will be praying for you.


hazelharris June 22nd, 2016 18:11

hi steve i am so sorry to read about your grief and you are finding it difficult to cope with the loss of your beloved wife i am so sorry for your loss . I can understand this feeling of wanting to run off into the wilderness same as buying a tent getting away from the world on your own All you are doing is wanting to run from the pain it's unbearable but the grief will go with you wherever you go it won't dissappear and thats what you really want an end to the agony. You have to try and face the pain i'm afraid it's the only way, as hard as it seems you have to find some courage to cope .Believe me when i tell you we have all been to this rock bottom, this place where it seems a living hell and i'm not saying it's easy but it does get better and one day you will look back and wonder how you survived..I think most of us left in this situation have financial worries on top of the grief to cope with and you can only do your best, to manage as best you can. Dave has given you some practical advice i hope you have given it some thought and it helps .You have been thrown into a life now that you didn't choose and if you gradually come to terms with it you will realise it's not the end but a different life and you have to make something meaningful with it eventually, and then you will find some joy again in life. Please read some of the posts on here beacause others have gone through the same,i know you may think it doesn't help you, but it may show you the way forward and you can understand your feelings at the moment are natural in grief and there is always a light at the end it's just the journey getting there that you need courage Hazel xx

steve1971 June 23rd, 2016 20:27

my apology
i was not trying to make you feel bad.but there are some of us out here who do not have good health coverage.I thought that moving in with my son would allow me to to put some of my income to getting some better health coverage.The rent was suppose to be alot the begining of the month i was asked to put in double what i was suppose to pay,it was to go towards keeping the water on guess what the water was shut off today so i ended up drawing money out today to get the water turned back on.i was paying alot less when i had my old apartment just seems like every time i turn around i get screwed i have a very negative outlook on my life now when my son asked me to move in with him i was hoping it would help but it has only fueled the negative outlook i have on my life

hazelharris June 24th, 2016 12:02

hi steve please don't apologise we are here for you no matter what your problems are , and i am sorry that i had no idea really what you were going through financially we take it so for granted here in the UK with our NHS sometimes we forget what a struggle it is for people in other countries without this benifit. Has your son no compassion with you trying to finance your health problems have you tried to explain how desperate your situation is .Is there a possibility of going back to your previous accomodation if it was cheaper you can't be taken advantage of and you must look after yourself. Please keep in touch and i know it must seem we have little help to offer i hope that to know there are friends on here that do care and i hope gives you some solace Hazel x

steve1971 June 25th, 2016 11:41

yes i am just trying to run away
yes i'm just trying to run away from it and in doing so have made a mistake. i am going to get ahold of the apartment complex i was living in and see if they have any openings. there is just so much commotion around here and there always fighting.there's been days that i haven't had a meal. i gueess they think i will fend for myself but i can't drive and stores are to far to walk my old apartment i had help from my in-laws and some friends we made while we lived there. i just don't know how to approach my son. he has a very bad temper and so does his girlfriend so i won't say anything to them until i can find somewhere to go

JankaH June 25th, 2016 19:21

So disappointed.
Im so disappointed about no response to my post on here and to my other posts in the forum as well,although I dedicated so much love,time and energy to answering this thread and elsewhere,too.It feels as if I would have written nothing on here,although I gave my best I have.Im also a grieving person and its not right.


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