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jennifer_nana February 22nd, 2011 20:35

My Nana my best friend
I lost my nana a couple days ago, Feb 19th 2011. My Nana was my Mother in other words she raised me. The woman I love more than anything in the world, MY BEST FRIEND! She was in the hospital for about a month trying to recover from a emergency bowel resection surgery. Although physically she started to heal an get better besides the internal blood loss that the doctors said may be from the surgery an gave her blood transfussions, her mental status never fully recoverd. (Nana was 84 an before surgery sharp as a pin, lived alone across the street from me, Independent.) So, in the hospital we had good days an bad. She was even discharged to my job, (i'm a nurse) at the rehab part of the nursing home for physical therapy. She wasn't there 24 hrs and the Doctor thought she wasn't well enough an sent her back to the hospital. She was spiking fevers anD acting out of character (Possible infection.)
So I'd say 2 weeks passed bye nana was sent from icu (intensive care unit) to pcu (progressive care unit) so the doctors and our whole faimly though she was progressing an getting better. On feb 18th my Husband an I were up there having our nightly visit . Nana was still a little confused but was making sense in her words/sentences! We were estatic, though she was progressing!! That night I had a awfull toothache so we left a little early. I kissed her on the cheek an told her I loved her. she gave me a kiss back on my cheek an saidIi love you back. We went home with happiness an hope in our hearts!!
So, the next morning I recived a call from my Mother, (she was crying) saying get to the hospital the nurse says Nana's really bad, there only giving her 24-48hrs!! We rush to the hospital I run in the room. First sight of NanaIi knew she wasn't gonna make it! Her body was limp an grey. Her eyes were open but, she wasn't in there,she was breathing but, it was diffrent.:( :( . Her boold pressure was 53/35. pulse 58. I ran to the doctor an was like what happend what's goin on??? He was like she has lost a lot of blood an she isn't stromg enough for the tests to find out where it's comming from..So, that was it. Nana would be leaving me today. Nothing anyone could/would do about it.. Come to find out she had been loosing alot of blood since 4am. Last time she had gotten sick right before her emergency surgery she told me I was strong and i'd be alright(like she knew she wasn't gonna make it) I cryed an said NO!! NANA I CAN'T MAKE IT WITHOUT YOU PLEASE.....You know the normal reaction..So, she made it! This time I knew it was diffrent.You could look at her an tell she was all out of fight and diddn't deserve any more suffering or any more pain. It was time. So, I grabbed her hand and kissed her cheek told her I love her more than anything in the world an will miss her like crazy but ill be ok. Nana, I'll be ok, I love you, holding her hand an rubbing her head I repeated it as I watched her pulse go from 48 to 21 to 8 an than she was gone,Just like that I lost my whole reason for breathing!! The nurse said an I feel the same that she was waiting for me, waiting to hear those words waiting for me to get my good bye. cause they did say 24-48 hrs,, but as soon as I said good bye she was ready to go home and be with God an her faimly in Heaven! So here I am 4 days later dealing with this loss. My Mother an my Uncle (her son an daughter) are already cleanning out her apartment and splitting up her stuff. I just can't handle it it's not something I can do she should be there!! We shouldn't be going through her belongings.. The funeral is next weekend an im not sure if I can handle it. She was the one I depended on, the one who I could go to for anything! I mean anything!. She has bent over backwards for me an would sell a organ for me I mean thats the bond we had that how much love there was!Ii feel oh so bad because I wasn't spending enough time with her befor her death. What kind of grandaughter am I?!! Living right across the street but to lazy to selfish to go spend time with her!! Just 2 phone calls a day thats all I gave her.She even told me plenty of times your always in an out you can't never sit an spend time with me. Now she's gone that eats me up I regret not giving her all of my time an sitting with her. I wish I coukd change it ya kno go back an make it better but, its too late. I miss her like crazy an woulda taken her place being sick an all in a minute!! Nana i'm so sorry god I wish I would have done diffrent, but now it's too late !she's gone an im filled with regret an guilt. I miss her soooooo much.Even if I didnt act like it, she was my world an forever my best friend!

STAR1177 February 23rd, 2011 05:12

My Nanna was also my best friend
Dear Jennifer,

I have just read your post, I am so sorry for your loss. Please don't feel you are alone in your grief. I can feel how devastated you are and it has really moved me. I too lost my Nanna 5 weeks ago, on January 19th. She raised me along with my Grandfather. I still can't believe she's gone and I'd do anything to have a few more moments with her. I too, like you, was at her side telling her how much I loved her a couple of hours before she passed on. All the colour had gone from her body and she wasn't really 'there'. It was heartbreaking to know that there was nothing I could do to stop her going away. I hate thinking of her lying there slowly dying, all the life had gone from her. She was 87 and before she became ill she too was as sharp as a pin like your Nanna was. She went into hospital because she'd had a fall a couple of weeks before Xmas and on Boxing Day she could hardly move so she had to go in to hospital to have x-rays. They kept her in there to have physiotherapy and we all thought she'd be back home within a week. Sadly, a bug broke out on her ward and she caught it. She didn't eat anything for days as she couldn't keep it down so she became very weak. She then caught pneumonia, a chest infection and had kidney failure - she didn't stand a chance:( I was in France when she became very ill as I have recently moved here. I got a call on the Monday night to say she had become so ill she might not make it through the night. I prayed to god that night that she would wait for me. I got the first plane back to the UK on the Tuesday morning and went straight to see her. Luckily, she had made it through the night and was conscious. She was so pleased to see me!! She brightened up and I felt that she had waited for me to come. I still had hope that she'd be ok. She managed to drink some tea that day and I was so happy, I really thought she'd make it. The next day, I didn't see her in the day as I wasn't feeling well at all, I'd had a massive panic attack the night before and was convinced she'd died. We called the hospital and were assured that she was still the same. We went over that evening to see her - sadly she had deteriorated dramatically. I held her hand and just before I left I whispered in her ear that I would always love her and that she should never forget that.
I left that room with a feeling that I wouldn't see her again. Two hours later she passed away, I was with my Aunt at the time. I felt I was prepared for it but it still hurt so badly and still does.
I too had such a strong bond with my Nan, I always dreaded the day when she would no longer be here. My biological parents and grandfather have all passed on and she was my last parent so the pain of losing her cuts deep.
If you want to keep chatting on here feel free to do so, or you can pm me anytime. Everyone on this forum is great and I have received a lot of support here. Hopefully you will also receive support and comfort from people who are going through the loss of losing someone close. My thoughts are with you today.

Leyla x

jennifer_nana February 23rd, 2011 19:10

leyla x,

Thank you for your kind words an thoughts, I do understand what your going through. I do belive that this is the hardest thing in life we will ever have to go through. Our Nanas are probly in heaven talking about us an smiling! Now that I have gone throught this I can honestly say I'm not scared to die, I mean I'm not suicidel or anything but I no that when I do die it will be the happiest molment ever for me, and my Nan will be there waiting to hug me an walk me in! So next Saturday is her funeral, we will be flying up to New York where she has a plot next to her husband. That is gonna be sooo hard (ya know the final goodbye)... I still talk to her like she was here, I'll look at her picture an tell her things that are going on an so on...Every morning when I wake up an leave for work I'll look up to the sky and say good morning Nana I love you..Every night when I pray I know she is listing. so I talk to her and I think it helps me cope, I know she can't answer me an I can't see her but she's there and she's listing!!.. I hope your well an again thank you for your kind words...God bless

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