January 18th, 2013, 11:33
Join Date: Mar 2012
Originally Posted by cal821
After great thought.. I have some suggestive advice for you who are stuck trying to figger out what to do now... Please feel free to read on if you wish.. This is just a logical progression of thought ... a no nonsense approach to rebuilding... See if this makes sense to you and use it if you wish... It will not make your suffering and life worse than it has been... but it might get you to think about how you can change your suffering patterns and start rebuilding..
As always I offer advice to help.. "I'm neither a KNOW IT ALL or Professional"... I just see things differently
Steps to rebuilding your life
Rebuilding is hard work. In fact itís much harder that building. Building from scratch is not nearly as difficult as rebuilding because in rebuilding you have to clear away the debris. Youíve got to deal with the damage. Youíve got to pick up all the rubble. It takes a whole lot more time because you just canít start with a clean slate. Rebuilding always takes longer than building...
The fact is, as a human being, you cannot live without loss. Everything in this world is temporary. Youíre not made to live here forever. Youíre made to live forever in eternity.Youíre only going to get 60, 80, 100 years on this planet. That means everything is temporary Ėeverything. So youíre going to have major losses in your life. Losses of loved ones. Some of you have lost a marriage at the same time. And there are many, many other secondary losses in that can follow in life. How do you recover and how do you rebuild after a major loss? Because youíre going to go through the seasons of loss. Itís inevitable. Youíre going to have storms of stress. Youíre going to have torrents of tragedy. Gales and gusts of grief. Youíre going to have floods of failure in your life.
When those kinds of things come into your life, the typical question we always ask is why. Why is this happening to me? Why is this going on? And folks, that is the unanswerable question.Weíre not going to know on this side of eternity. Looking back later from heaven youíll be able to see why things happen the way they did.
When we ask the Why question, we donít get an answer. But Iíve discovered after reading of other peoples experiences of grief... the common thread is .... that we donít need an explanation anyway. What we need in that time is encouragement. Not an explanation. Explanations donít encourage us. What I think we truly need is encouragement....
Itís actually far more helpful instead of asking why to ask the What? question. What do I do now? Whatís next? What are my first steps?
What do you do when youíve lost it all? Some of you have lost a loved one. Or youíve lost your job. Or youíve lost your financial security. Or youíve lost a dream Ė youíve had a heartbreak.What do you do? How do you rebuild your life? There are 7 truths that the Bible speaks very clearly on rebuilding your life and they are:
1: Release your grief
Loss always creates very strong emotions in us. We grieve. We have worry. We have fear. We may have depression. We may have Anger..
What do we do with these emotions?
You donít resist them. And you donít rehearse them. And you donít reduce them. And you donít repress them. You release them. What do I mean by that?You donít resist them, first of all. Resisting means Iím not going to let myself feel this. Alot of people do that when they go through a major loss. ďIím just not going to let myself feel anything. I donít want to let it get too close to me.Ē That is a major mistake, friends. To not feel your feelings. Feelings are meant to be felt. So you donít resist your feelings.On the other hand you donít do the opposite and you donít rehearse your feelings. Where you go over and over and over in misery and moan and you start to second guess yourself Ė if Iíd have done this differently maybe Iíd still have my old life.. Or if Iíd done this differently maybe my loved one would still be alive. And rehearsing over and over and over is just as ineffective as resisting it.You donít reduce your feelings. ďItís no big deal.Ē It was a big deal. It hurt and it still does. And you donít minimize your feelings and say, ďIt doesnít matter.Ē It did matter. It was a big deal. You donít reduce your feelings.
You donít minimize them.And certainly you donít repress them. A lot of people are stuffers. They push their feelings down. Thatís like taking a coke bottle and shaking it up. One day itís going to explode.
2. Resist bitterness
Bitterness will do you harm more than the circumstance you went through. Bitterness is far worse than any problem youíll ever experience. ďYou donít know what Iíve gone through! A tough life prior when your loved one was alive. And never had time for reconcillation with them..... "Life had dealt you and unfair hand" But bitterness is worse. Why? Because itís holding on to the hurt.Thatís what resentment does. Your past is past. It canít hurt you any more. The only way it can hurt you is if you choose to hold on to it through bitterness. Thatís dumb. You need to let it go.You need to let go of your grudges just as you let go of your grief. And you say, ďIím going to let it go!Ē Because bitterness only hurts you. It never solves the problem. It doesnít change the past. It canít control the future. All it does is mess up your life right now.You need to make the decision do I want to be bitter or do I want to get better?
Thatís the options. Do I want to be bitter or get better? Or do I want to be bitter or do I want to be happy? Itís your choice. You can choose. But you canít have both. You cannot be bitter and happy at the same time. So if you choose to hold on to that hurt and you will not forgive and you will not let it go and you will hold on to that resentment youíre choosing to be unhappy. Happiness is a choice. Itís a choice! Itís not based on circumstances as much as you think it is.There is no correlation between happiness and circumstances. There are people in this world that have faced a very horror like existence... Yet they are happy and cheerful and positive people. Yet I have met some people that almost nothing really bad has happened in their life and they whine all the time. I have no patience for whiners. Whining never helps anything in this life...
If youíre going to recover your life, if youíre going to rebuild your life after a major loss, a breakup or anything else, youíve got to release your grief to God and youíve got to resist bitterness because bitterness will poison your life.
3. Accept what cannot be changed.
Accept what cannot be changed.Thatís the starting point. You accept what cannot be changed. And the truth is, friends, much of life is totally beyond your control. Sometimes the only way to overcome some problems is to accept them. Theyíre just going to be there in your life. Theyíre going to be there. Theyíre not going to change and you just accept them. Acceptance is the way to peace on some issues. Itís just like your past. Your past is past. No matter how much you resent it you canít change it.Youíre just going to have to accept it. And you donít rewrite history and pretend like your childhood was really a popular, fun, happy time when it wasnít. You donít paper over the past and try to make it appear different than it really is. No. Faith is facing reality and not being discouraged. Faith is looking at your past and looking atyour present problems and looking at your future. Youíre facing reality but youíre just notdiscouraged by it. Itís not Pollyanna where you just pretend like everythingís great and you live in a world of unreality. No. Faith is facing reality but you just donít get discouraged by it. Because you know God is in control. God loves you, God cares, God sees and God will help you. So you accept what cannot be changed.
4. Focus on whatís left not on whatís lost.
After a loss you need to find something to be grateful for. Thereís always something to be grateful for. Like air. A lot of stuff we just take for granted. When was the last time you thanked God for air? You wouldnít live the next minute if you didnít have it. We take so much for granted in our lives and we need to just stop and say God Iím grateful! Scientists havediscovered that the attitude of gratitude is the healthiest emotion you can have. And the more grateful and thankful person you are the more emotionally healthy and physically healthy youwill be. It is good for your heart. Itís good for you to be grateful.The truth is most of the people in the world would love to have your problems. Really! You think your problems are bad but youíre not worried about Am I going to eat next week? Or am I going to have a roof over my head tomorrow? Most of the world would love to have your problems. Itís like the old clichť, ďI complained I had no shoes until I met a man who had no legs.ĒYou just need to find something to be grateful for. You focus on whatís left, not whatís lost.
I will continue this in post #2
hi dave, i just reread this post, its brill i wasnt here then but its encouraged me greatly, ty.