Thread: missing my dad.
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Old August 17th, 2012, 09:55
Confused88 Confused88 is offline
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hey missvegas,

i guess i can relate to you, very much. My father also died when I was 21, to cancer.This is 3 years ago now. I suppose, itīs somewhat different for each person.
Still, I also feel that my fatherīs death has impacted my own life more than my motherīs or older sisterīs and most of all: longer, as Iīm STILL trying to only understand and to deal.
Thatīs because at first when it happened, I thought I was "dealing" but I actually didnīt deal with it, I avoided the subject for every cause possible.
And actually "forgot" about it for a long time. I forgot about my fatherīs existence.

Only now Iīm starting to understand.
I beliebe that if he would have died more suddenly and more peacefully I would have been able to actually SEE the loss and actually FEEL it. I wouldnīt have had a choice.

But the way it was, just like with you, I watched my father slowly die in the household Iīve lived for all my 21 years before.
I watched him slowly, painfully fade away. It was, as you say, CRUSHING.
It was horrible. When after years I finally remembered, it felt like remembering a horror movie I had once lived in. A horror movie that lasted one year. He was in pain, in despair, fighting with my mother even and in great fear.
I COULDNīT remember him this way. I couldnīt. So something inside of me decided it would be easier to delete his memory all at once.

But Im only now starting to really see it.

People say itīs harder to lose someone quickly. I canīt quite agree. I think watching my father suffer and slowly die for the period of one year made me numb in advance so when it happened I was already completely exhausted, confused, pained, I couldnīt really understand what happened there.
I think if it there wouldnīt have been the year of suffering in advance I would have been able to see my loss. See what happened. And react accordingly.

How was it like for you? How long was your father ill for? How was the situation at home? (if you want to write about it, that is)
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