It's my late husband Drew's birthday today, 13th June, he would have been 57. I couldn't help it today, I bought him a birthday card and cried as I wrote in it how I miss him and love him. It's now next to his photograph. He passed away in January and I dont think I'll ever forget those last few weeks of Hell. Watching your loved one in pain, dying of cancer, and then losing their mind because of the morphine and other medication has to be the worst experience of my life. I felt so alone and very protective of him, and he was so frightened of dying and missing me. I did my best to put his mind at rest as I have a faith, but I dont think he believed me.
We always laughed when anyone asked how we met - we actually met at an AA group
I was just over one year sober and Drew was 8 years sober. We neither of us ever drank again. I suppose that gave us a bond from the start, and we were good friends and finished up madly in love with each other. I'd never felt like that about anyone before. They say love is blind, and I certainly was! We married just a few months after we started going out, and now I look back and can see we should have waited. But then, when you're in love, you'll do anything. I knew that he had self esteem issues, and soon realised that he told lies to cover up for how he felt about himself. I made excuses for him and never told him that I thought he was lying.Then he started doing silly things that got him into trouble. He could never do anything 'straight and honest' and had to deceive people all the time. It took me some time before I saw this in him. I knew in the back of my mind that something wasn't right with him, but kept telling myself it was because he was insecure. I always loved the real Drew, the person hidden underneath all the crap, as I knew that he was basically a good, kind person who really did love me. We moved about a lot and he would set up a business or go work for someone and then, I realise now, his lies would get found out and we'd move again. It was not how I'd imagined married life to be. We never had any money, as his one true love was flying, and every chance he had, he'd go off learning how to fly aeroplanes and then he discovered gliding and loved that even more! I think it was his escape, he didn't like his life and never had. I realised early on that he could never be truly happy. What made it worse was that he was an extremely intelligent man, very bright and knowledgeable, and he was a fantastic salesman - he could sell anything to anybody! Gift of the gab I used to say. He was also very selfish and hardly ever saw his children even though he used to say how much he loved them. I had a fantastic dad who cared about and loved me, so I couldn't understand it.
So you're asking yourselves, why did she stay with him? I dont know. I loved him and I also thought that one day he would get help and change. My parents couldn't understand how I stayed with him so long. We split up several times but always got back together again. I knew really that I shouldn't be with him but I felt sorry for him, which was silly but then that's how I am. When finally I'd made up my mind that I just couldn't live with all the turmoil any more, and he'd really messed up working with my brother in law who was really good to him, he became ill and then was diagnosed with terminal prostate cancer. I couldn't leave then, he had no one else and I knew I had to stay til the end. I'm not saying that I'm a saint to live with because I'm not, and I shouted and screamed at him lots of times and was truly horrible to him. I had my mums attitude of 'if you do it my way, you'll be ok'! I was full time carer for 3 and a half years and although it wasn't easy, I'm so pleased that I stayed with him. In November we had about 3 weeks where we got on really well together and remembered old times together. It was really lovely and I know now that he was going back over his life, preparing for the end.It was such a special time and I realised why I'd stayed with him - we did have some special memories of holidays in Cornwall, Northumberland ( where Drew was born), the Lake District , and it hadn't been all bad at all. During that time I had the chance to apologise for things I'd said and done and told him how much I loved him. He also told me that he loved me too.
Just before he passed away his brother got in touch with me. Drew would never have anything to do with them as, he told me, they were trouble causers. His brother cried over the phone and so I invited him to come and see Drew. Drew was just about sedated all of the time but agreed to see his brother and looked pleased to see him when he arrived. Ian, his brother, is the double of Drew and it was so weird seeing him. Eventually another brother arrived, just in time before he passed away.I couldn't get over what a lovely family he had. Drew was the eldest of 4 brothers and 3 sisters, and I met them all at the funeral and they were brilliant, helping me all the time and bringing food round etc.. I found myself thinking over and over, ''what was it all about? Why was he like he was?'' They told me that Drew had always been the same, very unstable, and they thought he had a mental problem. They put it down to an illness. That got me thinking, and I looked up his 'symptoms' on the internet. Finally I found out what had been the problem. Drew, I'm convinced now, had a Borderline Personality Disorder, and looking further into it, the illness was called Narcissism. I bought a book on the subject and many of the traits described Drew to a tee. At last I understood! I dont think I'd have rested until I knew why he was as he was.
Poor Drew. It's such a shame and I realise now that it was an illness and he couldn't do anything about it. Denial is part of the illness. To be honest, I think he was ready to die, as he gave up on life when he was diagnosed with the cancer. He'd had enough of life and running away from the problems he'd caused must have been so tiring. I always loved him and still do, for the man that he truly was, deep down inside of him. I believe he was my soul partner because I learned so much from him, and have changed and grown because of it. It was a priviledge to be with him at the end, as he passed over, but I've never, ever felt pain like it. It was such an intense time and I miss him so much. He had a great sense of humour, and I often hear him laughing at some of the things I do and say now
So maybe not the perfect marriage and I couldn't write what a wonderful marriage we had cos that wouldn't be true at all. But I'm always grateful to him because Drew showed me what falling in true love was about and he was and still is the love of my life. I miss him so much, especially just chatting with him about all sorts. I even miss him boring me about his flying! That was what he loved best.
God bless you my Drew, and I pray you're at peace now at last.
I love you.