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Old August 30th, 2009, 17:55
kayla kayla is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 1
Default my husband has commited suicide

not sure what i'm doing here. but as nothing i do, feels right i'll try anything. my husband has gone and its taking my breath away. we had a temporary break and he said he couldnt live without me and he meant it. he died on my birthday 3 days ago. i would have never left him forever i know we would have worked it out, we always did. he was the other half of me. how do i live with the guilt of causing my husbands death. i know everyone says its not my fault, but if i hadnt left he would still be here.
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Old September 5th, 2009, 11:26
Morbius5 Morbius5 is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 4
Default So sorry

Hi Kayla

I'm so sorry to hear about your husband. But I do think people are right when they say it isn't your fault. I know it probably feels like even if it were your fault, people's politeness would prevent them from saying so anyway, but I still think they're right.

People ultimately make their own decisions in life. Your husband made his own decisions. It isn't a case of if you hadn't left he would still be here, there is more to it than that, the truth is if he hadn't made the decision he made and taken the action he took, THEN he would still be here. He isn't not here anymore because you split up temporarily, he isn't here because he chose to leave in the manner in which he did.

You obviously left for a reason, but you didn't leave with the intention of causing what has now happened. If you broke up often and always worked it out in the end, then your husband knew that as well as you did. If you broke up and made up before how were you to know what happened would happen on this occasion? Many people tell others they cannot live without them, either because they mean it in some sense or as a means of holding on to them and making them feel guilty, but that doesn't automatically mean they will carry things through in this way, and you weren't to know that he would.

Guilt is a natural reaction to the loss of a loved one and we all feel it even if our actions have no bearing whatsoever on an event. Whilst you are feeling guilty now, you will probably soon feel angry, first at yourself and then probably at your husband for doing what he did and especially at the time he chose to do it. This too is natural and to be expected after such a loss.

This website is really helpful - it's actually a pet loss website but it's descriptions of the stages of grief for loss and how you might feel at each stage I found really comforting. Just replace the word 'pet' with 'person' and it makes a lot of sense:

You WILL get through this but you should expect to feel guilt and anger because it's natural to feel that way but also because ultimately it sounds as though what your husband did was very selfish and the timing was designed to make you feel as guilty as possible. The timing may have been a coincidence but if it was it was a very unfortunate one. But you are not responsible for his actions and I hope as time passes you come to realise this. You are not the cause of your husband's death, his actions were the cause of his death.

I hope this helps.

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Old November 23rd, 2009, 04:50
starlight starlight is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 1


It has been two years since my ex took his own life.We were also on a break.The problems had to be resolved before we could move back in together etc. I told him we would get back together once the problems were resolved. I told him i still loved him and wanted us to get back together again and he still did what he did and left me and his son behind.
I blamed myself for not putting up with the problems and thinking if i just put up with things and stayed it would not have happened but i now feel that it would have happened regardless.
Lots of people split up/have breaks from partners and do not do this.
I miss him so much and he's on my mind every day,but now it's mostly the precious happy memories that come back to me...i laugh,i smile,i cry

I still have bad days and can be hard on myself but try and be strong and know you are not alone.
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Old June 8th, 2010, 04:20
barb23 barb23 is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 4
Red face a final act

Dear Kayla

My husband of 31 years took his life.I was in another room when he pulled the trigger. The memories of that day are so vivid.One year and 2days ago,and I miss him so terribly.I had no idea anyrthing was wrong.
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Old May 14th, 2012, 03:18
Mariana Mariana is offline
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1
Default Sept. 2011 The guilt is breaking me slowly

I know how it feels losing someone u loved to leave you this way. My heart is broken without him! He was found hanging by neighbors. my brother didn't want me to go back there. I've never screamed like that in my life, begging pleading yelled Noo No No No! Our marriage was broken. He told me it feels like dying without me. I promised him everything will be ok and to be the man I know he can be again. The next day "that day" I got so angry, I wanted him away from me. I was in rage because our family is broken because of his wrong doings. His first suicide attempt a week prior, scared me, leaving our children scared in the room. He said he doesnt know why he did that. Please help me, my therapist told me It wasn't my fault. Deep in my heart I'm the one to blame, I'm the one who soppose to know better, how he is, how he reacts. God I need him, I gave him so much chances. Why couldn't I see it! I can't breathe, I need him to hold me again. I need to tell him it was always him! I'm trying my hardest to be strong for my kids. Signs and moments I feel and see. Please Terry I'm sorry
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Old May 15th, 2012, 07:52
Crystal230995 Crystal230995 is offline
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Central Scotland
Posts: 47

Hi, I'm so sorry for your loss. I know that when someone we love commits suicide it can leave everyone thinking it was their fault. I'm 16 and I lost my two older brothers (both 18)to suicide. I blamed myself for their death, as I felt I should have helped them. A lot of people say it's not your fault when someone you love kills themselves, deep down you know what happened was nothing to do with what you said or done as people who choose to end their lives are most likely really upset about something or have problems. Although it's extremely sad what has happened you need to remember your husband is safe and is in heaven.
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Old July 30th, 2015, 13:11
Marjatta Marjatta is offline
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 98
Default Sometimes, people just give up on life

- Sometimes, it's just too hard for certain people to cope with life in general.

- Sometimes, the cards they've been dealt have proven to be too much for them, whether it be a physical problem, emotional issue, or mental issue.

- Sometimes, they turn to drugs or alcohol to numb their pain.

- Sometimes, they try really hard to fit in, but secretly, they are using their coping methods in the background. They may appear to act normal and happy on the outside ... but they're not.

People contemplating suicide need to have professional help as soon as possible. They might need help for their chronic physical pain, ongoing emotional pain, or perhaps even chemical imbalances that cause them intolerable anxiety and misery.

Bottom line ... no one can prevent someone else from taking their own life if they are determined to do so. Please do not feel any guilt if you have loved this person and your love wasn't enough. It is not your fault. God will take this person into His loving arms. Your loved one is safe and at peace now.

"Fear knocked at the door. Faith answered. And lo, no one was there." ~ Author Unknown

Last edited by Marjatta : July 30th, 2015 at 13:17.
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