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Old August 27th, 2008, 09:34
Gav Gav is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 5

Loyal puppy, Rachel, From day 1 with my brothers death I played songs over and over again, songs that reminded me of him. I cried and shouted and really struggled to get through the days and months and felt more despair than I had ever imagined I could, and during this time even though I was with my partner at the time I still felt totally alone. After a few months I noticed that an hour or so had passed and I hadn't cried or broke down, slowly but surely 1 hour would become 2 and then 3 and gradually this turned into a day then days and then may be a week.May be I wouldn't be feeling like I do these days if I had not allowed myself that time. I think or hope this happens in most cases but you must allow yourself the time and space to grieve properly. I'm no expert on the grieving process, I only know my own and my families experiences with it.
There will come a time when these questions are not dominating your thoughts, time is the key, keep faith with that, that's what I kept telling myself, " this is the worst it can be, things will get better in time"

I am not religious person but I do believe that there is something else out there. One night I was baby sitting for My brothers twins, about a year after Gary died. They had gone to bed and I had stayed up watching a film downstairs. Around 3am they both came flying down the stairs in to the living room telling me they had just seen their dad in their bedrooms (they have separate rooms as boy and girl). They are not the type of kids to make something up like that and were both clearly shaken by this incident. They both told me they were not asleep, that they had woken up and were lying awake waiting to drop off to sleep again when he appeared at the bottom of their beds and told them to go back to sleep and not to be scared. I take some faith from this that there is something we just don't know about.

I honestly believe we are mentally strong, its there in all of us, just hang on to what strength you do have and it will slowly grow and pull you through.

The questions never really disappear, when 10 years have passed and I think of my brother, I will still wonder what really happened but it won't control my thoughts anymore because I can't bring him back, I will just miss him the same as I do now but I won't cause myself any more grief than that.
When you feel like talking, do it, when you feel like crying, do it, I cant tell you how much it helped me. If you have a negative thought about the circumstances surrounding the death, make sure you follow it up with a happy thought.
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Old August 27th, 2008, 09:44
Rachele Rachele is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 372

Your whole post, so heartwarming and well put. Thank you for sharing your experiences, Gav. I'm sure it will help alot of people to read it. I will be away for a couple of days, so I hope to be back to talk and share. Hugs.
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Old September 22nd, 2008, 08:09
blue smartie eater blue smartie eater is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 1
Default I miss my angel so much


I don’t know why I am writing to you, really, but right now, it seems like a good idea. I lost my beloved fiancé, my soulmate of 10 years to a completely out of the blue suicide, 14 weeks ago tomorrow. There were no warning signs, no indicators, nothing. He just seems to have suffered some sort of mental breakdown. He was with his company 18 years and loved the job he was so good at it. That morning, he was accused of something he had not done at work and got sent home. All hell seems to have broken lose from there and he took an overdose. He did not even phone anybody to tell them what had happened and that he was distressed-he seems to have lost all sense of reality and rationality in his final few hours.

On top of the job, he had been suffering with rheumatoid arthritis and had recently had his medication increased. We have since found out that this medication is known to cause clinical depression. I think he was convinced he was going to lose his job and it caused an onslaught of guilt, shame and panic. He left me a letter telling me he loves me, but I did not find out he had been sent home until the next day.

He was highly, highly intelligent and was a very rational, level headed and logical person who would have been the last person anybody would have expected to do this. There were over 100 people at his cremation. He was so loved.

The pain is unbearable. To say we were inseparable and that we adored each other is not doing our relationship justice. If I went to the hairdressers, he would come with me and sit reading a book. I have lost everything. I lost my soulmate, my fiancé, the person who kept me safe, and my best friend when I lost my angel.

I am originally from Ireland and all my family are still over there.

I wish somebody would just listen, without judging me, I saw a bereavement counseller, but she said he had probably planned it and that it was the coward’s way out. It was upsetting. He would NEVER have hurt people like this if he had been in his right frame of mind-that would have hurt him far more than anythingelse.

I feel so lost. I cry all the time; I can’t seem to stop all the chatter in my head. My mind just won’t stop and I am exhausted. I don’t want to go out, I have lost all interest in everything. I live on takeaways. I go to work, but I have no interest in it and I could not care less if I lost my job.

People ask me how I feel and if I say I feel fine, they either think I AM fine, or that I am bottling things up. But if I say how I really feel, that I just want to be with him, people tell me I am selfish and that I am self indulgent. His mother said she is finding it easier now and when I said this to one of my friends, she said, “Why are you not finding it easier? I would have thought that you would have been at the height of your grief the night you found out. I would have liked to think I would be getting over it by now.” I feel like people think I am wallowing in self pity. But I feel so isolated. When this first happened, his best friend rang me in tears, saying “You better not do anything either, as that will be the final straw if both of you are gone.” But he fails to realise that I AM gone-I died with my angel. There is nothing left but a husk.

His father says that we must look back on the happy times, not the sad, but I am even struggling with that. I just can’t get the thought of him being so distressed out of my head. People say I should be happy that he is happy now, and I agree-I think that if this is what it took to release him from the mental breakdown, then it was God’s will and I am happy that he is free. I hope God carried him in His arms. But it hurts, I can’t stand being without him and I don’t care if that makes me selfish. People say to me I am wrong for wanting to follow him, that it is selfish, but I think it is selfish and cruel to ask me to live like this. I feel so lost and alone and I HATE the person I am turning into. I have faith that I will one day be reunited with him, but even that it starting to waver now. Nothing makes sense-even when it is not raining, it is raining in my head. There is no colour in the world anymore and I am dying of a broken heart. People say he was selfish to do this and that is the coward’s way out, but he just had a breakdown. He did not know what he was doing. He would never have hurt a fly.

I came from such a hellhole, a broken home, where there was alcohol, violence, everything you could think of. He was my one oasis in the desert. Now he is gone. I feel like I have lost my anchor In life. I hate my career, but I don’t know what else to do, I am struggling financially, I am lonely and I the person I was is gone. I am only 29 but I feel like I am 90. People say things like "Time is a great healer" and "It happened for a reason2 and "You will meet somebodyelse." But time will only numb it and he will always be the one I go back to in the end. We are the same soul.

My head feels so weird-I either go blank or can’t function or there is constant chattering in my head. It never, ever goes away. People ask me if we were having problems-but we were so happy, he was so looking forward to the future, it just seems to have been completely knee jerk to the panic at the thought of losing his job. It hurts me so much that people judge him and then judge me for not wanting to live with the pain.

Thanks for reading this.
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Old September 30th, 2008, 07:06
Gav Gav is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 5

To be honest I think the people you,ve spoken to have been extremely unfair in their judgments and hurtful to you and they quite clearly do not understand the grief we suffer after a suicide. I recommend you quit talking to them to save yourself any more unwanted grief. Your partner was quite clearly severley depressed and suffered extreme stress with his job. I can only suggest as I have in previous messages that you must give yourself time. I must return to work but I will post another reply tomorrow.
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