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  #1  
Old January 23rd, 2013, 12:06
cal821 cal821 is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 477
Default "Overcoming Loneliness after our loss"

I have been reading the newly bereaved people's stories here on the forum.. Just wanted to share something that I hope they will be able to understand and take to heart in their pain they are feeling right now.. I have walked the same path...

In the beginning the nights were the worse. I couldn’t sleep and spent the lonely hours trying to read and pray, or wandering from room to room seeking I knew not what. I was alone and house was filled with memories and heartbreaking reminders of our 12 happy years together. How would I ever make it alone?

Now I look back, and although I still miss my wife’s goodness and loving presence, I feel only a gentle ache in my heart. Today I agree with an anonymous quote I put on my refrigerator door 5 years ago: "It’s not so bad-and you’re not the only one!" How did I get to this point of having a peaceful heart?

Working Your Way Through

Reach out to friends. Having many friends has always been one of my most cherished blessings. Perhaps this is a result of learning early to reach out to others. After my wife’s death, I had to learn that when my loneliness seemed overwhelming I could not sit around and wait for someone to call me. I needed to initiate the encounter.

There were times when I was disappointed. I was sometimes surprised when certain people I thought would be attentive just weren’t there for me. Others, from whom I didn’t expect as much, came through with much loving support. The same holds for family members. Some will probably support you in tremendous ways. Others may not be available in the way that you wish. Don’t let it get you down. If you seek support, you will find it.

Commemorate your loss.

If you are grieving the death of a loved one, find a way to express the loss you feel, and also to symbolize the ongoing presence of that loved one in your life..

Find a way to celebrate the gift that your loved one has been to you. Perhaps you could plant a tree or write a poem. However you choose to memorialize your loved one, draw comfort from the fact that nothing can take your cherished memories from you or erase the untold ways your loved one has touched your life and remains very much with you..



"Trust that the pain will pass". I think the loneliness that follows our loss of our loved one.. it is the silence that hits home the worst...I myself have felt this part of the agony the loneliness. But one thing that kept me going was my faith... it carried me through the most difficult times after losing my wife Tammy..... I think I also became a wiser and stronger person today.

You really have to remember..."We can pass through our pain because it will not last forever," I believe that all of life involves gift and loss. "It is a circle that continues- new joys and new sorrows come into our lives." For those of you new here to the forum....If your pain feels overwhelming, take some comfort in knowing it will not always feel as intense as it does today.

Please....... give yourself time to grieve and to heal. There is no set timetable and no need to surround yourself with "busyness" all the time. Being alone for awhile may allow you to learn valuable things about yourself that will help with future relationships.

Cultivate an appreciation for solitude.... "There is a difference between loneliness and solitude," .... "You have to develop a sense that you are O.K. with yourself. The thing I’ve learned is that I can be comfortable when I am by myself."

Try to find activities you can do alone that bring you satisfaction and peace of mind and heart. Perhaps gardening will bring you comfort, or painting, music, reading, walking- the list is limited only by your imagination. At your time of deepest loss, try to find something special to do that brings you joy. You can never replace the person you have lost, but you can find comfort in solitude it you learn to befriend it. A quiet time for prayer can encourage a greater appreciation for the joys of time alone.

Get the support you need.

After experiencing a great loss, it is natural to feel a variety of emotions. If you would like some ongoing help exploring and working through some of the difficult emotions that may surface, maybe you should consider getting some private counseling, attending a support group that addresses your needs, or both. It won't make your life worse than it feels right now.. It will only elict healing as it brings your pain to the surface where you can deal with it head on...

I think that one of the greatest gifts this forum will give you is learning that you are not "the only one." I think once you have learned this .. it make s it easier to connect with others who have experienced a loss similar to your own.

Please try to understand life is not about staying the same.. Nothing unfortunately is permanent in this life.. Everything changes... like the cycle of the seasons... This period of your loss is the winter of your grief..
Just try to hang in there.. the tough days and weeks will start to pass..and get further apart... Try not to stay discouraged if it seems like the pain will never end.. It will change in time.. as you learn to cope the sharpness will start to fade... I promise you that..

We start to become more Tolerable... to it's existence in our life.. But as to any great gift.. such as Love.... a price must be paid for the experience of it.

I will leave you with this: All things pass." And indeed they do- including the overwhelming pain that you may be feeling right now. It is only human to cry out for relief. Surely it will be forthcoming from the God who loved us first.


As always I wish you peace for your shattered heart


Cal821
__________________
Memory can only tell us what we were,
in the company of those we loved;
it cannot help us find what each of us, alone, must now become.
Yet no person is really alone;
those who live no more echo still within our thoughts and words,
and what they did has become woven into what we are.

I wish you peace and a level path on your journey...

Cal821

Last edited by cal821 : January 23rd, 2013 at 16:00.
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  #2  
Old March 11th, 2013, 15:35
blueeyes blueeyes is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 1
Default thank you

Quote:
Originally Posted by cal821 View Post
I have been reading the newly bereaved people's stories here on the forum.. Just wanted to share something that I hope they will be able to understand and take to heart in their pain they are feeling right now.. I have walked the same path...

In the beginning the nights were the worse. I couldnít sleep and spent the lonely hours trying to read and pray, or wandering from room to room seeking I knew not what. I was alone and house was filled with memories and heartbreaking reminders of our 12 happy years together. How would I ever make it alone?

Now I look back, and although I still miss my wifeís goodness and loving presence, I feel only a gentle ache in my heart. Today I agree with an anonymous quote I put on my refrigerator door 5 years ago: "Itís not so bad-and youíre not the only one!" How did I get to this point of having a peaceful heart?

Working Your Way Through

Reach out to friends. Having many friends has always been one of my most cherished blessings. Perhaps this is a result of learning early to reach out to others. After my wifeís death, I had to learn that when my loneliness seemed overwhelming I could not sit around and wait for someone to call me. I needed to initiate the encounter.

There were times when I was disappointed. I was sometimes surprised when certain people I thought would be attentive just werenít there for me. Others, from whom I didnít expect as much, came through with much loving support. The same holds for family members. Some will probably support you in tremendous ways. Others may not be available in the way that you wish. Donít let it get you down. If you seek support, you will find it.

Commemorate your loss.

If you are grieving the death of a loved one, find a way to express the loss you feel, and also to symbolize the ongoing presence of that loved one in your life..

Find a way to celebrate the gift that your loved one has been to you. Perhaps you could plant a tree or write a poem. However you choose to memorialize your loved one, draw comfort from the fact that nothing can take your cherished memories from you or erase the untold ways your loved one has touched your life and remains very much with you..



"Trust that the pain will pass". I think the loneliness that follows our loss of our loved one.. it is the silence that hits home the worst...I myself have felt this part of the agony the loneliness. But one thing that kept me going was my faith... it carried me through the most difficult times after losing my wife Tammy..... I think I also became a wiser and stronger person today.

You really have to remember..."We can pass through our pain because it will not last forever," I believe that all of life involves gift and loss. "It is a circle that continues- new joys and new sorrows come into our lives." For those of you new here to the forum....If your pain feels overwhelming, take some comfort in knowing it will not always feel as intense as it does today.

Please....... give yourself time to grieve and to heal. There is no set timetable and no need to surround yourself with "busyness" all the time. Being alone for awhile may allow you to learn valuable things about yourself that will help with future relationships.

Cultivate an appreciation for solitude.... "There is a difference between loneliness and solitude," .... "You have to develop a sense that you are O.K. with yourself. The thing Iíve learned is that I can be comfortable when I am by myself."

Try to find activities you can do alone that bring you satisfaction and peace of mind and heart. Perhaps gardening will bring you comfort, or painting, music, reading, walking- the list is limited only by your imagination. At your time of deepest loss, try to find something special to do that brings you joy. You can never replace the person you have lost, but you can find comfort in solitude it you learn to befriend it. A quiet time for prayer can encourage a greater appreciation for the joys of time alone.

Get the support you need.

After experiencing a great loss, it is natural to feel a variety of emotions. If you would like some ongoing help exploring and working through some of the difficult emotions that may surface, maybe you should consider getting some private counseling, attending a support group that addresses your needs, or both. It won't make your life worse than it feels right now.. It will only elict healing as it brings your pain to the surface where you can deal with it head on...

I think that one of the greatest gifts this forum will give you is learning that you are not "the only one." I think once you have learned this .. it make s it easier to connect with others who have experienced a loss similar to your own.

Please try to understand life is not about staying the same.. Nothing unfortunately is permanent in this life.. Everything changes... like the cycle of the seasons... This period of your loss is the winter of your grief..
Just try to hang in there.. the tough days and weeks will start to pass..and get further apart... Try not to stay discouraged if it seems like the pain will never end.. It will change in time.. as you learn to cope the sharpness will start to fade... I promise you that..

We start to become more Tolerable... to it's existence in our life.. But as to any great gift.. such as Love.... a price must be paid for the experience of it.

I will leave you with this: All things pass." And indeed they do- including the overwhelming pain that you may be feeling right now. It is only human to cry out for relief. Surely it will be forthcoming from the God who loved us first.


As always I wish you peace for your shattered heart


Cal821
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  #3  
Old March 11th, 2013, 19:52
Eddie Eddie is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 5
Default

Hi, its Eddie.... March 8th makes one month since the passing of my beautiful wife Deborah. Its been a rollar coaster ride of emotions, pain, heartache, and lonliness, etc....I cry as I'm typing this message. I still "wish her back", I still don't accept her loss, and I still suffer from missing her everyday. I talk to her and really do try to say to myself, she doesn't want me like this...but there is nothing that can make me better except her.

I will admit that I don't hurt like I did the first 2 weeks...those were devistating and I truly wanted to join her. I was at an all time low but I'm still not myself and seem so depressed. I want a sign from her that she is okay and still in touch with me. I don't want to let her go....is that wrong?

I'm am staying busy, I like to run, I've played golf with friends, I have worked in the yard and I keep the house clean like she always did...it amazes me how much time I have on my hands...things I used to complain about at times I feel guilty because I do them all now...its no problem.... I have always been helpful but this was her house and she took pride in taking care of me

Anyway, not much for typing tonight... I find some nights much worse then others...Sundays and Mondays are brutal..these were nights that we always spent together after a busy weekend.... I miss her today and hurt so terribly... Saturday I could not find my cell phone but knew it was in the house somewhere so I called from our land line...what I forgot about was any calls from that phone would show up on my cell phone as "Deborah".... I wanted it to be true and it was just for a brief moment in time.....

I will find another day to share when I'm not hurting like I am tonight... I do like what you have shared about "lonliness"...thank you

Talk again
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  #4  
Old March 12th, 2013, 00:08
cal821 cal821 is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 477
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Eddie View Post
Hi, its Eddie.... March 8th makes one month since the passing of my beautiful wife Deborah. Its been a rollar coaster ride of emotions, pain, heartache, and lonliness, etc....I cry as I'm typing this message. I still "wish her back", I still don't accept her loss, and I still suffer from missing her everyday. I talk to her and really do try to say to myself, she doesn't want me like this...but there is nothing that can make me better except her.

I will admit that I don't hurt like I did the first 2 weeks...those were devistating and I truly wanted to join her. I was at an all time low but I'm still not myself and seem so depressed. I want a sign from her that she is okay and still in touch with me. I don't want to let her go....is that wrong?

I'm am staying busy, I like to run, I've played golf with friends, I have worked in the yard and I keep the house clean like she always did...it amazes me how much time I have on my hands...things I used to complain about at times I feel guilty because I do them all now...its no problem.... I have always been helpful but this was her house and she took pride in taking care of me

Anyway, not much for typing tonight... I find some nights much worse then others...Sundays and Mondays are brutal..these were nights that we always spent together after a busy weekend.... I miss her today and hurt so terribly... Saturday I could not find my cell phone but knew it was in the house somewhere so I called from our land line...what I forgot about was any calls from that phone would show up on my cell phone as "Deborah".... I wanted it to be true and it was just for a brief moment in time.....

I will find another day to share when I'm not hurting like I am tonight... I do like what you have shared about "lonliness"...thank you

Talk again


Thank you Eddie,

Hang in there... I won't lie and tell you everything is going to get instantly better.. Your going to go through a real tough go over the next while as you acclimate to your new life.. I wish I could say something that would make it better.. but words just are not going to do it.. Try to go with the pain.. Cry when you feel like crying.. yell ... scream.. it's all part of the process.. Any release you can afford will give you a little bit of a cathartic release.. Just don't bottle up your pain and misery like some people do.. It will poison you and really do a number on you if you let it.. If you can try to find things to distract yourself on Sundays and Mondays.. Go for long walks, runs or jogs even if the weather isn't the best in the pacific northwest right now.. Take some time for you.. try to do something you want to do and don't feel guilty about doing so.. Right now it is about trying to get a foot down and try to stabilize the downward spin you feel your caught in.. Trust me it will happen.. but it going to take some work from you and helping yourself right now is a very good thing .. Take things easy and a day a t time.. it's all going to be alright.. As I said just hang in there.. Lean on us here when you need us.. we are all here for you.

I wish you peace


Dave ( AKA Cal821 )
__________________
Memory can only tell us what we were,
in the company of those we loved;
it cannot help us find what each of us, alone, must now become.
Yet no person is really alone;
those who live no more echo still within our thoughts and words,
and what they did has become woven into what we are.

I wish you peace and a level path on your journey...

Cal821
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  #5  
Old May 10th, 2013, 13:07
memyselfandi0100 memyselfandi0100 is offline
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Posts: 1
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Thank you Cal821 (Dave)
I'm reading your posts and I find your words pulling on my heart strings and reassuring. I cannot thank you enough.

God Bless
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  #6  
Old April 7th, 2014, 16:20
russ russ is offline
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very comforting and informative , thank you !
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  #7  
Old April 27th, 2014, 16:35
hazelharris hazelharris is offline
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rebooted to reread x
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  #8  
Old October 9th, 2014, 01:35
takentime takentime is offline
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Cal821 very good reading it helped me realize alot of things....thank you
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  #9  
Old August 13th, 2015, 10:02
hazelharris hazelharris is offline
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re posted x
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