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  #1  
Old June 15th, 2012, 12:54
cal821 cal821 is offline
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Default "Laughter is the Best Medicine"

I just thought I would post a few funnies.. Maybe get you to chuckle a little and help take your mind off things for a while.. Tears and laughter are the best medicine to heal anything that ails you.

The Thief and the Parrot

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He stealthily crept through the lounge and was stopped dead in his tracks when he heard a loud voice clearly saying, 'Jesus is watching you!'

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.
'Jesus is watching you', the voice rang out again.

The thief stopped dead again. He was frightened out of his wits. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a birdcage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot, 'Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?'
'Yes', said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a heavy sigh of relief and asked the parrot: 'What's your name?'
'Ronald', said the bird.

'That's a stupid name for a parrot, 'sneered the burglar.' What idiot named you Ronald?'
The parrot said, 'The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus.'


Worse Punishment?

An Air Force cargo plane was preparing for departure from Thule Air Base in Greenland. They were waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding tank.

The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry, the truck was late in arriving, and the Airman performing the job was extremely slow in getting the tank pumped out.

When the commander berated the Airman for his slowness and promised punishment, the Airman responded, 'Sir, I have no stripes, it is 20 below zero, I have a bang on my head, I'm stationed in Greenland, a dog ran off with my coat, and I am pumping sewage out of airplanes. Just what are you going to do to punish me?'


Advanced Driving Test

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left hand side there is a valley and on your right hand side there is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.

In front of you there is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.

Behind you there is a helicopter flying at ground level.

Both the giant pig and the helicopter are travelling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get off the merry-go-round - you're drunk!


Learning to Fish

Mrs Baker wanted to go ice fishing. She had read several books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary equipment together, she made her way out onto the ice.

After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.

Frighteningly, from up above, a voice boomed, 'There are no fish under the ice.' Startled, Mrs Baker moved farther down the ice, poured herself a large coffee, and began to cut yet another hole.

Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, 'There are no fish under the ice.' Mrs Baker, now became very concerned so she moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and began again to cut her ice-hole.

The voice rang out once more, 'There are no fish under the ice.' Mrs Baker, stopped, looked upwards and said, 'Is that you, Lord?'

The voice replied, 'No, this is the Ice-Rink Manager.'



Fishy?

An English tourist is on holiday in a Cornish village when he spots what he thinks is the village idiot sitting next to the horse trough. In his hand is an old stick, and tied to the end is a piece of string which is dangling in the water. The tourist decides to humour the fellow and asks, 'Have you caught anything yet?'

The village idiot looks up and studies the stranger before answering, 'Aye, you be the ninth today



Good Business?

Paul, a senior official in his company, walked into a London bank and asked to see the loan's manager.

He said he was going to America on business for two weeks and needed to borrow 10,000 [$19,000USD]. The loan manager said that the bank would need some collateral for such a loan.

Paul immediately handed over the keys of a Mercedes that was parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checked out and the loan officer accepted the car as security for the loan.

An employee then drove the Mercedes into the bank's underground garage and parked it there. Two weeks later the Paul returned, repaid the 10,000 and the interest, which amounted to some 9.41 [$18USD].

The loan officer said, 'We do appreciate your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a bit puzzled. While you were away we checked and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow 10,000?'

With a broad grin Paul responded, 'Where else in London can I park my car for two weeks for less than 10?'

Hope these brought some laughs

Cal821
__________________
Memory can only tell us what we were,
in the company of those we loved;
it cannot help us find what each of us, alone, must now become.
Yet no person is really alone;
those who live no more echo still within our thoughts and words,
and what they did has become woven into what we are.

I wish you peace and a level path on your journey...

Cal821

Last edited by cal821 : June 28th, 2012 at 12:53.
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  #2  
Old June 16th, 2012, 14:07
hazelharris hazelharris is offline
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i always feel sad as the funny things we did before darren died seems to be eliminated from my brain darren wasn't a loud person like many naturally funny people he was quiet but he had the quickest wit that was hilarious and i don't suppose i shall ever remember those quips again and wish i had written them all down
but today i did recall something funny darren and i ran pub quizes for about 22 years they used to call us a double act as most of the time we were joking about
dave is a 65 year old man(looks like the typical medallion man) who had just got remarried his wife threw away all his junk before he moved in with her with this junk was his beloved teddy who he called little ted jane sent it up the tip with all the rest it was hilarious to see this 65 yr old man in tears over the teddy he had since he was a child and said he was going up the tip to recover it of course he never found it again
darren and i went on holiday a few weeks later and sent dave a missing you card it said
sorry daddy you don't love me any more and you left me on the tip to die a big bird swooped down and saved my life and dropped me on the beach in yarmouth where i am sitting with my icecream in a deckchair i know your new wife didn't want me so i'm now a little orphan teddy with no one in the world to love me
sent it to the pub when dave arrived we all watched him open his card i could hardly stifle my laughter as he went round asking who had sent it he suspected us but we put our innocent face on
dave loves football and was gutted as he couldn't go to south africa to see the world cup as my son lives there i sent a letter for him to post
dear daddy i miss you are you still living with my wicked stepmother who threw me away i'm here in south africa enjoying the football and if you can get over here i have two spare tickets for the final i love you even though i'm not wanted love little ted
they were all in on our joke at the pub it was so funny he went round to everyone showing them the letter
next a friend went to australia and sent another letter we wrote
gadday pommie dad i'm sitting on bondai beach with the shielas
you can keep my wicked stepmother as i'm having a great time here my hairy body is being pampered in oil and these shielas are something else never coming home again from little ted
this went on and on cards and letters we had sent from all over the world thailand(better not share with you what that letter said)spain italy sweeden america he travelled everywhere little ted got married and had little baby bears etc and dave never knew it was us i only wish i could have found ted on the tip and friends could have taken photos of him all round the world it would have been an even better joke
i told dave at darrens funeral it was us all along and he was very touched over 2 yrs we all in the pub had so much laughter with these letters isn't it
good to see the funny side of things and just have a laugh i hope we can all recover from our grief and be able to feel like this again love hazelxx
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  #3  
Old June 23rd, 2012, 09:48
hazelharris hazelharris is offline
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the widows brain has been at work today i wanted to buy an antique side table for my lamp just missed one on e bay and was scouring the site for an hour eventually found just the one i wanted only 14.99 what a bargain and said free delivery thought i must bid on this looks worth at least 50 quid
so i went on to add my bid and found out it was only a print after all of a very rare table worth millions in a museum in holland
i would have given them 50 quid for it as well
never mind shows i've got taste hazelxx
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  #4  
Old June 23rd, 2012, 10:54
cal821 cal821 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hazelharris View Post
the widows brain has been at work today i wanted to buy an antique side table for my lamp just missed one on e bay and was scouring the site for an hour eventually found just the one i wanted only 14.99 what a bargain and said free delivery thought i must bid on this looks worth at least 50 quid
so i went on to add my bid and found out it was only a print after all of a very rare table worth millions in a museum in holland
i would have given them 50 quid for it as well
never mind shows i've got taste hazelxx
LOL Hazel... Sorry but that is very funny... it's okay though being able to laugh at ourselves and our mistakes is all part of picking up the pieces..

Dave
__________________
Memory can only tell us what we were,
in the company of those we loved;
it cannot help us find what each of us, alone, must now become.
Yet no person is really alone;
those who live no more echo still within our thoughts and words,
and what they did has become woven into what we are.

I wish you peace and a level path on your journey...

Cal821
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  #5  
Old June 24th, 2012, 15:50
gumek gumek is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 746
Default widows brain on e-bay

Quote:
Originally Posted by hazelharris View Post
the widows brain has been at work today i wanted to buy an antique side table for my lamp just missed one on e bay and was scouring the site for an hour eventually found just the one i wanted only 14.99 what a bargain and said free delivery thought i must bid on this looks worth at least 50 quid
so i went on to add my bid and found out it was only a print after all of a very rare table worth millions in a museum in holland
i would have given them 50 quid for it as well
never mind shows i've got taste hazelxx
hazel, what are you like, ya gotta put a post on bvnt uk, give them all a laugh, ya got good taste love and your a great sense of humour. xxchrissie.
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  #6  
Old June 25th, 2012, 03:21
gumek gumek is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 746
Default good morning to all our friends

hello to all our forum family today, to lucie, hazel, chris, tom, dave, gail,sheryl, clare, dawn,roo and to the many who have come to this place of kindness and understanding for just a short while to find rest. i hope that we all get some sunshine today,some laughter amidst the tears, and be greeted with a smile whereever we go, may his presence be with you, may he give you his peace.

sending hugs to all. chrissie. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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  #7  
Old June 25th, 2012, 03:32
gumek gumek is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 746
Talking

Quote:
Originally Posted by hazelharris View Post
i always feel sad as the funny things we did before darren died seems to be eliminated from my brain darren wasn't a loud person like many naturally funny people he was quiet but he had the quickest wit that was hilarious and i don't suppose i shall ever remember those quips again and wish i had written them all down
but today i did recall something funny darren and i ran pub quizes for about 22 years they used to call us a double act as most of the time we were joking about
dave is a 65 year old man(looks like the typical medallion man) who had just got remarried his wife threw away all his junk before he moved in with her with this junk was his beloved teddy who he called little ted jane sent it up the tip with all the rest it was hilarious to see this 65 yr old man in tears over the teddy he had since he was a child and said he was going up the tip to recover it of course he never found it again
darren and i went on holiday a few weeks later and sent dave a missing you card it said
sorry daddy you don't love me any more and you left me on the tip to die a big bird swooped down and saved my life and dropped me on the beach in yarmouth where i am sitting with my icecream in a deckchair i know your new wife didn't want me so i'm now a little orphan teddy with no one in the world to love me
sent it to the pub when dave arrived we all watched him open his card i could hardly stifle my laughter as he went round asking who had sent it he suspected us but we put our innocent face on
dave loves football and was gutted as he couldn't go to south africa to see the world cup as my son lives there i sent a letter for him to post
dear daddy i miss you are you still living with my wicked stepmother who threw me away i'm here in south africa enjoying the football and if you can get over here i have two spare tickets for the final i love you even though i'm not wanted love little ted
they were all in on our joke at the pub it was so funny he went round to everyone showing them the letter
next a friend went to australia and sent another letter we wrote
gadday pommie dad i'm sitting on bondai beach with the shielas
you can keep my wicked stepmother as i'm having a great time here my hairy body is being pampered in oil and these shielas are something else never coming home again from little ted
this went on and on cards and letters we had sent from all over the world thailand(better not share with you what that letter said)spain italy sweeden america he travelled everywhere little ted got married and had little baby bears etc and dave never knew it was us i only wish i could have found ted on the tip and friends could have taken photos of him all round the world it would have been an even better joke
i told dave at darrens funeral it was us all along and he was very touched over 2 yrs we all in the pub had so much laughter with these letters isn't it
good to see the funny side of things and just have a laugh i hope we can all recover from our grief and be able to feel like this again love hazelxx
hey hazel, just read this one, oh darling i was bought to tears, was so touched at the love it took to do this, yes it was love and friendship. you are a gem of radiant colours, a gift from god to this world, luv ya. chrissie. xxx
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  #8  
Old December 10th, 2012, 20:55
Chaka Chaka is offline
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 46
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hazelharris View Post
dear daddy i miss you are you still living with my wicked stepmother who threw me away i'm here in south africa enjoying the football and if you can get over here i have two spare tickets for the final i love you even though i'm not wanted love little ted
they were all in on our joke at the pub it was so funny he went round to everyone showing them the letter
next a friend went to australia and sent another letter we wrote
gadday pommie dad i'm sitting on bondai beach with the shielas
you can keep my wicked stepmother as i'm having a great time here my hairy body is being pampered in oil and these shielas are something else never coming home again from little ted
this went on and on cards and letters we had sent from all over the world thailand(better not share with you what that letter said)spain italy sweeden america he travelled everywhere little ted got married and had little baby bears etc and dave never knew it was us i only wish i could have found ted on the tip and friends could have taken photos of him all round the world it would have been an even better joke
i told dave at darrens funeral it was us all along and he was very touched
This is awesome!! What fun!!
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  #9  
Old December 13th, 2012, 07:12
hazelharris hazelharris is offline
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Posts: 1,144
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thanks chukka when we have lost a loved one the last thing we think about is laughing again we sometimes forget the funny things that have happened and feel it's wrong to find our sense of humour again we should have more stories on here to lift one another up i know it's helped me eventually in being able to laugh again you don't have to be funny to have a sense of humour just an ability to see the lighter side of life i found this saying the other week
humour is my sword and my shield it protects me
you can open a door with humour and drive a truck though it
i hope you all can find something again in your lives to smile or laugh about that will open doors for you and help lighten your grief
hazelxx
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  #10  
Old December 13th, 2012, 15:33
gumek gumek is offline
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Default blobby

haze my fantastic buddy, a few days ago we were both down and we chatted about some of the telly we used to watch, we remembered what we were doing in those days, mr blobby was on on saturday night so a nice meal was cokked or a taleaway, bottle of good red was opened and we laughed at that daft program and the other one was russ abbott and blunder woman, so we went onto you tube and watched, i had tears running down me face of laughter and sadness cos one in particular of russ and blunder i remembered every datail of that day with my love. but its ok cos we have to have these tears till they are no more then the laughter will come back to stay as one day those memories won't hurt anymore.

haze you are an incredible person what you and darren did for your friend dave, was awesome and what you do for all of us is amasing, luv ya very much, thank you darling.

bug higs.

chrissie xxxxxxx
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