Esrd

[shay]

I have ESRD (End Stage Renal Disease), and I am always worried about dying before everyone else in my family, as I am only 20. I am supposed to have a living will and everything, but I can't bring myself to do it. Filling one out is like admitting that I could die soon, and I don't want to accept that yet. I've been on dialysis for ESRD for a year and a half now. I am trying to get a transplant, but they are afraid that it would kill me due to a blood clotting disorder I have and am on blood thinners for.

I am not afraid to die, but I am afraid of what it would do to my mom, sister, fiance, and grandmother. I've been struggling to stay alive my entire life, but when they started talking to me about a living will, that's when I started thinking about my family...I feel so helpless sometimes.

Anyway, I just wanted to get that out. What a great first post. lol.

[Calypso]

Shay,

Welcome! I'm sorry you're going through so much, but I'm glad you posted. I wish I had magic words to say that would take the grief and sadness away, but I don't. Perhaps you can talk to your family about your concern for them. They're probably equally concerned about you.

About the living will...hard to believe, but that might actually make it easier on your family. That way if you can't state your wishes, they won't have to second guess about what kind of treatment you would or wouldn't want. Just a thought...

I wish you the best!

[shay]

Thanks for the welcome. Yeah, I know I need one, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I've tried twice and just ended up tossing it out in the trash. I have talked with my family about what I would want done...My mom said that if I can talk about it, then I should be able to write it, but I can't. It's different when it's in writing. It's more permanent, you know?

[Calypso]

I think it's important to be gentle with yourself. This is your process, and you have a right to do it your way. If you can't bring yourself to write it down, you can't. That's okay. At least you've been able to talk about your wishes with your loved ones...

[riskey58]

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through all this and at such a young age. But I would have to agree with the above poster in that in the long run a will is the best thing you can do for your family. It just brings so much peace for them to know that they are doing what you wanted done.

[shay]

It's been a while since I posted this. I think I am ready. I think my grandfather dying has acutally helped me with this situation in some way. That's so hard to believe that after 2 years old trying to make this living will, it was my grandfather's death that has made me ready to make it. I am also thinking about gving my fiance power of attorney over just my medical stuff, but I have no idea about any of that. I'm only 20 for pete's sake! lol.

[Ricardo]

Shay, I'm sorry to hear about the ordeal you're going through. I have no personal experience with anything like that.

You sound very strong to me, and I think you're handling this difficult situation very well. Please know that thoughts and prayers are with you.

[skatss]

I hope you're still doing fine. You have a wonderful attitude. It's one thing to know that you're very sick but when asked to fill out a will it kind of brings things into perspective.

Stay strong and keep fighting.

[Nicola]

You sound like such an amazing person, you really do !!!