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Old March 2nd, 2012, 19:15
Megs Megs is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 2
Default My strong sister.

My little baby sister, youngest of 12, toughest of all.

For 10 years she has been fighting chronic myeloid leukemia. For 15 years she has been fighting a borderline personality disorder. For almost 4 years she has been the best mom in the world. For 16 year she has been the coolest aunt alive.

With that I never thought I had to face the day I would stand there in front of all the people and tell them how beautiful my sister was. The one who could make a room full of crying people smile. Always made something up to celebrate. Never had a dull moment in her life, except this last year.

After a remission of nearly 2 years I got the news on the 5th of February 2011 that Anna her leukemia was back, again. The strong one she is she went into the deep once again, did the chemo, did the radiation. Half March doctors found out Anna her liver wasn't working any more. On the 12th of May 2011 Anna received a liver transplant. She recovered, amazingly and the end of June 2011 we celebrated her 28 birthday.

Blood tests told us nothing was helping a single bit, in search for a bone-marrow donor. Anna was very strict, her daughters weren't an option. She didn't want to put them through something that just wouldn't cure her. We didn't believe and tried to talk her out of that. At the end of August Anna said yes.

The bone-marrow transplant took place on the third of October. A month later there was no hope left. Anna decided to stop treatment.

Despite the fact doctors told us we should be happy to have her among us during Christmas she even celebrated New Years.

At the end of January 2012 Anna asked us to come with her to the family cabin. For two weeks we've been with her, two weeks of seeing her slide.

In the cold night of the third of February 2012 Anna found her peace. She was close to her two daughters while her husband held her hand.

No more pain, she said during one of our late night talks. For her yes. She leaves a hell of a big empty spot in our family and a lot of pain. Emptiness, sadness and hurt. All three get me through the day.

I wake up in the morning by the voice of my 6 year old son, calling for his mommy. (Which directly reminds me that my two little nieces can't). During breakfast my 12 year old daughter reminds me that I don't have to go to the pharmacy, as the sticky note still tells me, because 'mom, aunt Anna is now in Heaven'. During the day I do my normal things but my gut tells me to go to her house and get a coffee with her when I want to reach for the car keys I remember and find myself, again, crying. The radio plays a song she used to sings, I cry. After school my daughter storms in yelling 'I have an A on math! I'm going to call aunt Anna!!!' In all her enthusiasm she 'forgets' and I have to stop her and tell her she can't call. Together we cry. Getting them into bed takes more time, they want to pray for their uncle and nieces. They cry.
The evening is maybe my best part of the day because I can lay on the couch and whenever I start sobbing I feel the hand of my husband on my back. The night is long, exhausting. I barely sleep, I'm afraid I will forget.

So to break through I thought it's maybe wise to get out of the house today. I did that and I shouldn't have. I ran into a member of our Church. She asked me how I am, I told her I'm not doing that well. Her response was: 'Just get over it, there are worse things in life.'

And I wonder, how long is it 'okay' to grief? How many days? Weeks? Is there a rule book? Is it okay that you get up in the morning and feel like crying? And when you go to bed you still feel the same way?

I surely can't get the hang of it, she was my little sister and He took her away from me. I'm mad, disappointed. She was an example of how to get through life, a solid rock that was always there. For everyone. Now leaving a hole that can't be filled. None of my other siblings is like her. There will never be another Anna. Never. Despite how hard they'll try.

I miss her.
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Old March 2nd, 2012, 19:35
cal821 cal821 is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 477
Default Megs I'm truly sorry to hear of your losss



My heart goes out to you in your pain right now..

You have come to a place of kindred spirits... Where you can read, write, rant , vent , contemplate..You will be able to be yourself and feel at home here as you will never be judged only surrounded by those empathetic and sypathetic souls who share the same bond with you in profound personal deep loss.

As to what you are feeling it is normal.. Understand please there are no rules. Grief is neither predictable, neat,or tidy. It is unique each and every time we lose a loved one. We all grieve at different levels and intensities.

It is an unfortunate process that we all must go through as when we lose a realtionship with someone who touched our life. It cuts us to our core being.

The pain and sorrow is a completely natural process that we all go through that ultimately teaches us to learn to accept and ultimately become learn to live on without the person we lost.. as they can no longer be with us physically. and learn to accept the new life we live with the new person we have become after our deep loss.

The loss changes us all. we are never meant to return to who we were before our loss..

As to your sisters children they are going to be alright.. Children are remarkable on what they can understand and go through. They are resilient. It will be a very tough go for the next while.. But they will make it through. I went through this when I lost my wife and my 3 children were grieving her loss.

It is a very brutal time for everyone there. Your loss is raw and Fresh and the waves of sorrow and pain seem unrelenting. Please believe me.... in time the waves of pain will slow down.... enough for you to catch your breath..

Just take things slowly on day at a time... Give yourself a chance to absorb everything that has happened , and so the process begins to work towards the healing.

You have made the first step by coming here to the community of empathetic souls who share the same feeling of loss. From the stories of others and from reading how others have coped you will ultimately be able to find your own way on this path to understanding..

Just come back when you can and let us know what is happening for you.. The best thing you can do for yourself is to keep talking and don't isolate yourself in your pain.. Talking about your pain helps to open the channels to realeasing the pain and sorrow a little bit at a time..

As I said Just take it one small step at a time , remember to keep breathing and just go with the grief it will take you to where you need to go in the path of healing from your loss..

I wish you peace from the raging sorrow that fills your heart at this time, and clarity of thought in the painful days that come.

Memory can only tell us what we were,
in the company of those we loved;
it cannot help us find what each of us, alone, must now become.
Yet no person is really alone;
those who live no more echo still within our thoughts and words,
and what they did has become woven into what we are.

I wish you peace and a level path on your journey...


Last edited by cal821 : March 2nd, 2012 at 19:46.
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Old March 3rd, 2012, 06:03
tom-fisherman tom-fisherman is offline
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Northwest England
Posts: 534

Shalom in Yeshua Megs, I am sorry to hear of the loss of your baby sister. She sounds like a wonderful person, and such a brave one too!! May God bless her. Know that I have also said a prayer for you and your family to be comforted.

I am disappointed that you met someone from your church who has little or no compassion for their fellow man, and suggest that you say a prayer for her, so that she may come to understand what love is.

Your sisters children will be okay, because YOU are there for them!! Talk to them and let them know that they have you to lean on. Let them talk to you and share happy moments you had with your sister with them. This will help not only them but you also.

My brothers and sisters in faith are taught that our loved ones can hear us while they are in Sheol, and from what you say your family already pray together, so may I suggest that you all get together and talk to her in prayer. Your own daughter can then tell her aunt about 'her A in maths' as she will hear her.

All the feeling you describe are quite normal. We have all felt them, but these feelings do eventually subside. There is no timescale for this it happens naturally over time and then even when you feel over it something will trigger the emotions and they all flood back. Be kind to yourself. You are not going mad, you are not ill, just grieving, and with the help of your family and friends you will get through this.

May God bless you
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Old March 3rd, 2012, 17:40
Megs Megs is offline
Junior Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 2

Call821 & Tom, Thanks for your understanding words. I know this journey will be rough, raw and take more time than I could wish for. I've lost loved ones before, both parents and a brother. Yet this particular one seems so different. It may be because of her very own self, it may be because I in some sort of way blame myself. The story around my sister is not like any other, it's like a bad Hollywood drama. For this it makes it even harder to talk about my loss because it isn't something people get if you say it with half a word. I have to explain everything which makes it harder and harder.

Her two daughters will be okay, I know that. They resemble their mother in any way possible, so I know they'll be okay. They're tough. The oldest, 4, can explain in perfect words that her mommy is now with God, visiting her own mommy and daddy. She pictures them drinking tea. Her youngest, 2, wonders if mommy gets her medication from God, or how she brushes her teeth now. She asks those questions out loud and in some sort of way they are funny. You just don't get how a child's mind works. Surely they have their moments, little tantrums, heavy cries or just a soft I miss mommy. It takes my heart out but I know they're going to be okay.

As for myself, I need to vent. I need to talk about everything, fact is I just can't. I don't open up that easily and even writing this takes more then I thought it would. At this moment I feel like screaming it out loud, I want to open the door and scream it through-ought the street, the neighborhood, the city, the province, the country and way beyond. I want the whole world to know how much it hurts.

Probably won't help a thing but maybe it's just something that makes me smile. Then at least I can say I've smiled again since the 4th.

Maybe I am going mad?

Thanks, again, for your response it's 'nice' to know I am not completely going insane and am not the only living soul who feels this way. Yet it fills my heart with sadness to know you've lost as well. Grief and bereavement is something you wouldn't even want your worse enemy to feel.

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Old March 4th, 2012, 06:13
tom-fisherman tom-fisherman is offline
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Northwest England
Posts: 534

Shalom in Yeshua Megs, I know it is difficult right now to 'vent' but this period will pass and you will find it easier to talk, and write your feelings down. As I have already said you are not going mad!!

I have suggested to many in this forum that you should talk to her and tell her how you feel. Set a time when you just sit quietly with something that belonged to her and the talk to her. She can hear you and will be praying for you to be comforted which will make her feel happier. I will keep you in my prayers and know that I am here to help you whenever you wish.

May God bless you
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