Loss of my brother

[rswear]

My brother passed away 3 weeks ago. He was 40 years old. He had been in pain for some weeks and was diagnosed with Diverticulitis. This is an inflammation of small pouches in the Colon. Normally this is a relatively minor disorder that is treated with antibiotics and pain medication, certainly not life threatening in and of itself. Unfortunately, he did not respond to antibiotics. He was hospitalized on Monday. They put him on advanced antibiotics and pain medication. Late Tuesday he took a down turn and they decided emergency surgery was needed. They removed a section of his colon that was almost completely blocked with infection. In the early morning hours Wednesday, he succumbed to septic shock. They worked on him for 50 minutes but were not able to revive him.

I live nearby and had no idea he was ill until his wife contacted me when he went into the hospital. We did not think it was all that serious. It wasn’t until I got a text message that needed emergency surgery that I went to the hospital. His wife and I stayed with him and waited during the surgery. Afterwards when the doctor explained what they found and that he was septic that it started to sink in just how serious this all was. We saw him for a little bit at around 2 am. Went home and attempted to sleep. My sister in-law called my around 4 am to go to the hospital. On the drive there I a knot in the pit of my stomach and knew he was probably gone. I walked into the room full of hospital staff working on him. His wife was begging God to bring him back and the doctors to try one more time. The surgeon told them to perform compressions again. He then turned to me, told me they had worked on him for 50 minutes. After 38 minutes they brought him back briefly but then lost him again and there was nothing more they can do. I nodded at him in understanding. He hugged me and told me how sorry he was. Then said "Ok let's call it, time of death…" I have no idea what time he said and it's all a blur after that. I grabbed my sister in-law as she nearly collapsed into my arms. At some point someone said to take us to the chapel. We went into the hallway and one of her good friends was coming towards us. She grabbed her and helped me to hold her up. She was asking what happened and I just looked at her in the eye and told her Steve died. She just shook her head and said "what!?!" The staff then took all of us to the chapel. My sister in-law sat sobbing in the arms of her friend and I just sat there staring at the floor. At some point I decided to call mom while I was still in shock so I could speak. As a bit of background, our father just passed away a little over a year ago. I called Mom, told her and she screamed. She asked me several times what happened and I don’t know what I told her. She then hung up to call my sisters.

From then to the funeral seems like one long day. Lots more details during that not but I don’t feel like writing it all up. During that time my sister in-law kept telling me I was her rock. After Dad passed I was starting to feel like the patriarch of the family but I could share that with Steve. Now I am the oldest adult male in the family, I am 45. I have my 2 sisters, my mother, my sister in-law and their two boys, 8 & 12 leaning on me. I don’t mind but it so hard and keep looking around to find my support from someone. I told the boys I was going to step it up as their uncle and we will get through this.

I am single and live alone. Two years ago my beloved 17 year old cast passed, last year my Dad, he was 79. In both cases while painful they were older and while their deaths were a surprise they were something I knew would happen one day. With Steve though, he was a young healthy guy. He was supposed to live to be 100 and bury my older sisters and myself. Not the other way around.

I am just numb about all this.

[tom-fisherman]

Shalom in Yeshua rswear, I am sad to hear that you death of your brother has upset the whole family in this way. I want to welcome you to the forum and tell you that I have already said a prayer for you all to be comforted.

You appear to be a sensitive man who puts on a front for the others. While this is good for them it may not be good for you. I would urge you to have some private time to weep and mourn for your brother.

I would then suggest that you get everyone together and talk about him and the happy times you had together. Share stories, laugh and cry this is all part of celebrating his life and help yourselves to grieve for him.

Please come back to us often and let us know how you are. We all want to help you with you feelings, as we have all been in your situation.

May God bless you
Tom

[hazelharris]

hi rswear i am so sorry for you your sister in law and all your family in the loss of your brother it's so heartbreaking when we lose a loved one but suddenly like this the shock must feel devistating
you must all cling together and help one another get through all this grief to hold one another up it will take a lot of strength courage love and understanding each of you will handle the grief differently as you try to come to terms with your loss
the rock of the family is always handed down from generation to generation and we have learned from our parents know your dad may have felt like this once daunted at the task ahead but he was able to continue and do his best you can't be everything to everyone don't put too much on yourself the impossible can't be achieved you have your own grieving to do but gradually you will become the rock of your family just like dad was being the rock only means you are there for them when you can
your family love you and know you can only do your best
we can't take away your pain i wish we could but we are here for you we understand what it is to lose a loved one and we care
love hazelxx

[rswear]

Thank you Tom & Hazel for your responses I appreciate it.

I’ve always tended to have delayed emotional responses to things. This can be an asset during a crises but after a while it catches up with me. My Dad was a pastor and I had seen him on many occasions deal with grieving and upset people in times of crises and be the level headed one. I have picked up more of this than I ever realized. My sisters and mother live a couple thousand miles away but I moved 7 years ago to be closer to my brother and his family. I am much closer to him than my sisters. He also had that rock quality too and I needed that from him more then I knew.

The funeral was standing room only. We had an 'open-mic' which is something I had not seen at a funeral before. It was really nice, many of this friends and co-workers came up to share stories about him. It was good to hear from people who were strangers to me yet respected and thought highly of Steve.

The last thing I said to him, was that I wish I had a dumb joke to share. I got a half-grin out of him and almost a laugh, in spite of the pain & medications he was on. He also looked like he was smiling in the casket. We shared a very dry sense of humor especially when something seemed funny at an inappropriate time. It was part of what bonded us. So I am glad we were kidding around in the end. That’s how we always were, just relaxed with each other.

I feel like I’ve been in grief mode for two years now. First that cat, and just as I was coming to terms with that, Dad passed and now a year later, as I was adjusting to Dad being gone, Steve….

The rock is cracking and even though I know over time those cracks will fuse right now it doesn’t feel like this pain will ever leave.

Thanks,
-Raymond

[hazelharris]

hi raymond sometimes we don't relise how much we are like a parent or brother we see ourselves differently to how others see us but part of your dad is part of you and you had a good relationship with your brother and had the same outlook and sense of humour as him The words you said to him was very moving and would have been exactly what he wanted to hear the joke it meant i.m with you and i love you he knew that
let the rock crack it will feel it's in a million pieces you need to grieve but bit by bit over time you will put the pieces all back together again because the rock is your heart and the love of all those you lose will be in there with you and will shine more lovely and beautiful when whole again giving you guidance and love forever
love hazelxx

[tom-fisherman]

Shalom in Yeshua Raymond, thanks for coming back to us.

It sounds like you had a very popular brother and even though his popularity showed to others, the bond you both shared as brothers was and still is very special. Nobody will be able to take those memories from you.

We are taught that our loved ones can hear us while they are in Sheol so talk to him and tell Steve how you miss him. He will be praying for you and won't want you to be upset about him going home. If you don't know what to say then just tell him another joke, he will hear it and it will make you smile too. Just imagine he is with your dad and all your other ancestors.

As I have said before it would be good for the 'crack' to allow you to cry. Try not to do the 'stiff upper lip' thing. Be yourself. It does hurt so don't shy away from your feelings. We have a belief that we will be re-united some day and that gives us all hope.

May God bless you
Tom

[gumek]

Morning haze, tried to answer your message bit ya box is full. Speak later. Xx chrissie. Ps have a good day. Xx

[hazelharris]

hi raymond how are you today know we are all thinking of you
love hazelxx

[rswear]

I went to my sister in-laws for dinner last night. Spent some time with her and my nephews. It was good, had some fun with them. I am off work today, slept late, got up feeling good. Then went downstairs and the (new) cat was demanding her late breakfast. I of course didn’t mind getting her food, but that one little everyday demand on me suddenly caused me to feel tired and sad all over again. Intellectually I understand the process but emotionally I still have to go through it. I find I weep when writing these posts something I don’t do when telling someone about things in person. The emotions are more focused and intense when writing about all this. Thank you for giving me a place to do that.

I went to the cemetery a couple of days ago to put fresh flowers on his grave. We don’t have a marker for him yet. I noticed the stone for the grave next to him. A lady who had died two years ago but was also 40 when she passed. There was an old and wilted flower on her stone someone had put there some not all that long ago. So I put one of the fresh ones I brought on hers too, next to the wilted one. Somehow I felt like I was being neighborly, not sure I really understand my motives but I felt good about it.

Normal life is resuming for those around me (co-workers and such) I still have no energy and find it hard to care about work. My boss is very understanding fortunately. I also have a great team that works for me and is going above and beyond. I just know at some point I have to suck it up and get back to living my life.

I also need to adjust my vision for my future. Steve and I had talked for some time about going into business together. We actually attempted to several years ago with another friend. It didn’t work out but we learned a lot and had plans in the next 5 to 10 years of figuring out something we could do to enjoy ourselves and take off the pressure of being in the corporate world while we rolled into our early retirement years.

Thanks,
-Raymond

[tom-fisherman]

Shalom in Yeshua Raymond, you are doing just fine I think. It is a slow process returning to a normality again and there will be moments when you suddenly will burst into tears. Thats normal and part of the grieving process. Writing it down on this forum is very good therapy and while your emotions intensify in sadness it is good for you.

Being neighbourly at the cemetery was a wonderful gesture to make and will have been seen by that woman and your brother. You now have someone else praying for you.

With regard to future plans there is no rush. Get back to a normal routine and then when your mind is clear and focused again then consider your options. Take your time and be kind to yourself.

May God bless you
Tom