Guilt

[moonmagick]

Do you feel a sense of guilt for being relieved that the suffering someone has undergone is over when they have passed from a long illness? I have a friend coping with this kind of guilt. She was devastated to lose her mother, but also relieved that she wasnt suffering anymore.

[tater03]

I can see how one would have a sense of relief when someone finally passes away when they have been suffering a lot of pain. I think that is normal to feel myself. I know I hope that my parent when their time comes that it is not a painful lingering type of illness.

[Taggart]

I don't feel guilt at the relief after someone passes, but I probably feel some guilt for things that I wish I'd done differently to make the person more comfortable in any way I could during their illness.

[sandmike123]

I haven't felt guilt for being relieved that they had passed. I have however felt the guilt and dismay for not being able to do enough if anything to help them. With illnesses what can you do?

[Calypso]

Guilt is a really common feeling among family members who've nursed a loved one through a long illness--guilt that they feel relief when their loved one finally dies, guilt that they couldn't "fix" their loved one, guilt over times when they felt they could have done more but didn't...it's such a common emotion, I've come to feel it's as normal a part of the grieving process as denial or depression.

Most people do work through guilt on their own if given time and space, but you can certainly add your reassurance that their feelings are normal and that, from where you are standing, they did everything any reasonable person could expect them to do.

[SageMother]

Originally Posted by moonmagick

Do you feel a sense of guilt for being relieved that the suffering someone has undergone is over when they have passed from a long illness? I have a friend coping with this kind of guilt. She was devastated to lose her mother, but also relieved that she wasnt suffering anymore.

I usually feel a sense of relief, if the death is the result of long standing illness. I am relieved that the suffering has ended.

[DefyingGravity]

One of my closest friends lost his father a few years ago. His dad had gotten very ill, very quickly. It affected his liver and kidneys, and he became a different person almost overnight. His disposition changed, he was moody and sometimes angry, and then he couldn't recognize his family, his wife and children. This all took place within 2-4 months! And he was only in his 40's. Even though it was so sudden, his death was an eventual relief to his family, because he was no longer himself, and it took a lot to care for him. I know the family was sad, and grieved for him, but I think the grief had already been going on since his personality changed and they knew he was getting worse.

I remember when my friend called me only moments after his dad had passed. When I relayed my condolences, he assured me that there was much relief felt, and that they were doing all right because they'd been preparing for this, and had been grieving for a while already.

Relief sounds so cold, but it's really not. A friend of mine recently passed away, also very suddenly, and while I miss her greatly, I am also a bit relieved because she is no longer in pain. It's an odd thought, really...

[katharina]

Originally Posted by DefyingGravity

It affected his liver and kidneys, and he became a different person almost overnight. His disposition changed, he was moody and sometimes angry, and then he couldn't recognize his family, his wife and children. This all took place within 2-4 months!

Oh my goodness, this is so horrible! Was it the illness that made him change so drastically, or just the drain on him from *having* the illness? To make that more clear was there a documented medical reason for the change in disposition like some meds can do?

[jnjsarauer]

I understand how you feel that guilt, but I don't think is wrong to feel that sense of relief. It is only natural. What a horrible, stressful situation for all involved. I hope that healing is happening now.

[hamilton]

Originally Posted by Taggart

I don't feel guilt at the relief after someone passes, but I probably feel some guilt for things that I wish I'd done differently to make the person more comfortable in any way I could during their illness.

Exactly. Relief that their suffering is over should be about the last thing one should feel guilty about.