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Old February 5th, 2011, 21:18
yourlittleangel yourlittleangel is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 1
Unhappy I need lost..

It has been exactly 57 days since I lost my Pap. He was stubborn and kind. He could always figure something out with out instructions and he would never give up.
I was at my best friends house getting ready to go out with some friends when i got a call from my mom. She was crying. She told me to pack my things, and that my pap just died...It broke my heart, Completely shattered. He lost his battle with cancer. He was going through both radiation and chemo. He stopped Chemo because it kept making him sick. When we got the news that his tumor went from stage 3 to stage 2 I had a huge sign of relief. I thought to myself thank god he is going to be okay. But I was wrong...
Its funny that day before my mom called i started feeling a huge empty space in my heart now I know why. That huge piece will always be empty and theres nothing I can do about it...
I didnt see him much or get to spend time with him because we live in a different state. I didnt get to say goodbye...My mom just talked to him before he died...
I have a major problem though...I feel so lost...I dont know what to do. I've looked through so many websites on how to cope but none of them work...
I just cant accept him being know its just not possible to me...
Im soo much like him too...I get my stubborness from him. I love him soo much..It just kills me knowing he wont be there when I go back...I feel like I disappointed him too..All my cousins and brother gave him great grandchildren...And i didnt...All my cousins and brother learned how to swim from him....and again I didnt...
Help me?
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Old July 11th, 2011, 18:05
hannahf hannahf is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: London, UK
Posts: 8

Hi there

I hope you see this reply, as I can see you posted quite a while ago. I am sorry for your loss. I lost my Granddad too, a few weeks ago. He was 92 and in a nursing home. 2 and a half years before, he suffered a major stroke which got him there. From then on he developed dementia and slowly deteriorated. He was in great health 2 weeks before his death and he deteriorated very rapidly.

I went through so many emotions from guilt, depression, disbelief, anger, and everything. I don't know why either but the night before my Grandpa died I too felt a funny feeling that he was going to pass away.

During the last 2 weeks of his life, my sister and I would blend foods for him to eat as he lost his ability to swallow properly. Despite doing this, after his death I felt immense guilt that i just didn't do enough and I felt guilt that I was spending time away from him with my friends on some days when I knew I could have been helping him.

But I have come to realise that there was not much else I could have done, it would have happened sooner or later. He just had enough of life, he was done fighting and he fought very hard till the end. He was exhausted, and it would be selfish of us to try to stop what they wanted. So please do not feel guilty that you could have done more for him, or you could have seen him more. You did what you could, and you loved him.

Please remember all the good traits that you have inherited from him, and all the lessons you have learned. This will bring you comfort.

During the last few years of his life, I have had a number of dreams about him where he was speaking normally and doing normal things, things he could do before the stroke. I had a dream about him last night. I believe prayer and the belief in God and an afterlife brings them closer to you whether that is through dreams or memories and thoughts.

Your grandpa will guide you in life, his spirit will help you. Maybe you can learn to swim now and make him proud?

I hope you have found comfort in my words, and hope you feel stronger since you posted.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Hannah x
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